[ But before Hythlo gets into an even more depressive slump, let Hien clarify. ]
It's not like you wanted to, even if it happens anyway. You're not a hypocrite when it comes to that. Besides... it was an emotional moment for you, I'm sure. You were making a memorial for Atsushi, and talking about sensitive topics with Sagi.
Yet I am much older than him. I should know better. What manner of a mentor am I to keep forcing him to be my emotional support, whether intentionally or not?
[ He would also like to add that age doesn't do anything, as evidenced by a lot of old people who seemingly never learn their lesson. But... that's neither here nor there right now. ]
He is a good person. If I end up crying in front of him, of course he will try to console me. I feel as though I take advantage of his good nature, even if unwillingly.
[ It's not that he says that as a rather cop-out answer on purpose, but Hien genuinely doesn't know if he can cry anymore, and the uncertainty shows on his face. If he can, he would rather not test it since the events that precede his tears would probably be absolutely devastating from how dull his emotions feel most of the time. ]
I'm glad you don't see me as a kid anymore, at least.
Hien... I stopped seeing you as a child the moment you said you were not one. Did I somehow give the impression that I thought you to be one still this whole time?
[Hythlo takes a deep breath. This is sooner, much sooner than he would have wanted, but then again... how long was he going to conceal the truth? His stomach churns with trepidation, but he forces himself to speak nonetheless.]
If I told you what I told him... I fear that you would come to despise me, correct though you would be.
[ He'd rather hear it from Hythlo than from someone else, so he's all here for it. Though even if Hien didn't know beforehand, he'd be more than willing to listen anyway.
He also thinks no one else would ever come close to Hien's level of absolute Spite that has two people included in his shitlist, but. You know what... it's fine. Sometimes, things are better that way. ]
[Hythlo opens his mouth, then hesitates. A part of him, the strange, newfound part that reacts before it thinks, the one that scares him all the more as time passes, wants to be spiteful about it, lay out his deeds before Hien in disgusting detail and derive some perverse enjoyment from hurting his friend.
The thought makes him sick. He grits his teeth, takes a deep breath. No... if he's going to do this, he's going to do it his way. His people's way.
He stands up briefly to sit down in front of Hien, instead, cross-legged, putting his hands in his lap.]
I shall speak freely, then. If I falter... I ask you to give me time to continue. These are not simple things to talk about, and I... do not wish to give in to pointless emotion.
[Hythlo smiles weakly. Something about the gesture makes him feel both hopeful and scared.]
Thank you.
[Now, where to start...]
It is to do with the fate of my world. Of what we had to do in our attempts to save it, and the reason for why I seek death so much. Why it is so hard for me to hold onto hope.
[He takes a deep breath, trying to distance himself from the facts of the matter, closes his eyes to concentrate better. That way, maybe he won't need to see Hien's disappointment and disgust.]
...I have told you of the Final Days, yes? Our world... suddenly changed. The creation magicks that we once used to bring forth beauty and prosperity birthed monsters, instead. Our nightmares, given form. Slowly, it began, but soon grew in scale, engulfing all of our lands, all of our cities. And we did not know why this happened, or how, or how we could reverse it.
[He swallows. It seems like the matter is starting to get to him, so he takes a few moments before continuing, eyes still closed.]
But something needed to be done. Our world burned. Our people were dying. The old, the young, the newborn. No one was spared. Even as we defeated the horrible creatures that came forth, there was no end. 'Twas as though the star itself had gone... rotten, sick. And all we were doing was dealing with the consequences, not the cause. So... it was the very laws of our world that we needed to change, we judged.
[He finally opens his eyes, looking down at the floor. His voice grows quieter, his expression growing closer to that of someone who is not forcing himself to be distant, but is already drifting away.]
...But that is no easy feat. To change a whole world? Not even we could do that. Not simply. So... we needed someone, something else to save us. So... we created our first god. Zodiark. He would become the new will of the star.
[Hythlo falls silent again, gripping Hien's hands in his before letting go of them, shakily. It looks like this is one of the moments when he will need some time to compose himself.]
[ Hien doesn't say anything and waits for Hythlo to continue. However, he still keeps his hold on his hands, because he sees that they're shaking a little. There's no rush and he firmly holds his hands together as if to remind him to breathe... take your time... he won't go anywhere. ]
[He stays silent for a time, trying to balance himself out without slipping into the familiar panic. A part of him feels disgusted - just how much can he repeat this cycle? Can't he do better?
Eventually, he continues.]
Despite everything, life is one thing we cannot create. In order for Zodiark to be a living creature... someone had to become his core. A person. One of us. We all offered ourselves for the role, of course. But... it was not... we had to be reasonable about it. What good would it do if we chose someone just for their noble desire to give themselves, only for them to prove unsuitable to the task? What would we say to our people, then? So... the choice had to be the right one.
[He swallows with difficulty. Even now, thinking about Elidibus makes him feel like his heart is being slowly torn apart.]
...To our dismay, it was... Elidibus. The Emissary. Our youngest. Our brightest. Our kindest. He--we had to give up him...
[Hythlo trails off again, biting his lip, closing his eyes as the tears start to well up.]
[ Hien keeps one of his hands on Hythlo's while the other hand digs out a box of tissues from his insides of his cloak and puts it next to Hythlo. You know, in case he feels like he needs it. He doesn't rush him and continues to listen. ]
[He does need them, and takes one gratefully, wiping at his eyes. It takes him a little while to calm down and begin speaking again.]
But as I said... he would only be the core of Zodiark. To give our new god the power he would need to save our world... We needed energy. A lot of it. Aether. And... with our creation magicks disrupted as they were... with nowhere else to turn...
[He chuckles, bitterly, looking down at his hands.]
...It was ourselves we gave. Our own souls. The densest source of aether we had left. I... take it you can guess what that means. Can't you, Hien?
[ Hien nods in response, but doesn't say anything. He doesn't want to disrupt Hythlo's momentum of telling his story while he still has it.
Hearing Hythlo's side of the story fills in some holes he didn't know about, and he attempts to stick the pieces of lore together in his head with what he heard from Joss too. ]
[Hien's silence is a little unnerving, and Hythlo wonders how his friend is feeling about these revelations. A part of him fears a sudden outburst of hatred. He looks back down after glancing at Hien, simply breathes for a while to try and calm himself down.]
And... I... I wanted to give myself, too. We all did, all of us. What sorrow can there be in giving your life to save others? [He takes a shaky breath.] Yet still... we needed to be--logical. Not everyone could give themselves. Not everyone could... allow to give themselves.
[More silence, more shaking in his hands. He feels as though his head is spinning.]
Even when a life is given willingly... the separation of soul and vessel is not a simple process. 'Tis one that... needs precision. Care. Skill. Someone who can... who can sever it cleanly. Painlessly.
[A quiet, nervous laughter rises in his throat as he tries to tug his hands away from Hien's grasp.]
And what... what could someone like that choose? To throw himself away? Or stay, to ease his people's suffering, watch countless souls pass under his hands?
[ After taking out the tissue box, Hien's free hand had gone back to holding Hythlo's. When Hythlo tries to tug them away from his, he doesn't let him. His grip is tight, but not enough to hurt. He recognizes that sort of laughter--it's the broken kind that every time it's heard, it precedes something much worse. ]
Daeus.
[ His voice is even, despite the distortion. There's no sign of disapproval, but none for approval either. The tone that he carries with his voice only asks Hythlo to continue after gathering himself again. ]
[He tenses, head bowed, gripping Hien's hand in return. He wants comfort right now, desperately, but he has no idea whether he deserves any at all, whether Hien would be willing to give it. He's gotten so used to the kindness his friend usually shows him, and it's terrifying to think that he might be denied it now.
And yet, he can't help wanting to be selfish.]
Hien... Could you hold me? Just--just for now. So that--I can continue...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 03:44 pm (UTC)I... In a way, yes. It helped me feel better. But I should not have spoken of it with someone as young as him.
[His grip grows tighter.]
I speak all the time of not wanting to inflict pain onto others, yet what do I do instead? I am but a hypocrite.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 03:48 pm (UTC)[ But before Hythlo gets into an even more depressive slump, let Hien clarify. ]
It's not like you wanted to, even if it happens anyway. You're not a hypocrite when it comes to that. Besides... it was an emotional moment for you, I'm sure. You were making a memorial for Atsushi, and talking about sensitive topics with Sagi.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 04:00 pm (UTC)Yet I am much older than him. I should know better. What manner of a mentor am I to keep forcing him to be my emotional support, whether intentionally or not?
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 04:02 pm (UTC)[ He would also like to add that age doesn't do anything, as evidenced by a lot of old people who seemingly never learn their lesson. But... that's neither here nor there right now. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 04:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 04:08 pm (UTC)So... if I cried in front of you, would that count as me taking advantage of your good nature because I know you would try to comfort me?
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 04:18 pm (UTC)Of course not! 'Tis simply... I feel I must needs be his caretaker. Sagi is yet but a child.
[... And, as it often happens, his mind turns somewhere else.]
... Can you cry?
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 04:24 pm (UTC)[ It's not that he says that as a rather cop-out answer on purpose, but Hien genuinely doesn't know if he can cry anymore, and the uncertainty shows on his face. If he can, he would rather not test it since the events that precede his tears would probably be absolutely devastating from how dull his emotions feel most of the time. ]
I'm glad you don't see me as a kid anymore, at least.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 04:26 pm (UTC)Hien... I stopped seeing you as a child the moment you said you were not one. Did I somehow give the impression that I thought you to be one still this whole time?
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 04:31 pm (UTC)[ Anyway, this... isn't about him. ]
People can be stronger than you think, regardless of age. I think Sagi has that potential.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 12:49 am (UTC)[Hythlo smiles sadly. To be honest, it's often him who feels like a child compared to the others here.
...
He stays silent for a while, then leans away from Hien slightly.]
...You are kind to me, Hien. Funny, is it not? How scared I am of losing that. Truly, 'tis I who is but a child.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 12:53 am (UTC)[ Hien doesn't get it, but he understands the rest of it. ]
Why would I do that?
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 01:00 am (UTC)If I told you what I told him... I fear that you would come to despise me, correct though you would be.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 01:02 am (UTC)[ He'd rather hear it from Hythlo than from someone else, so he's all here for it. Though even if Hien didn't know beforehand, he'd be more than willing to listen anyway.
He also thinks no one else would ever come close to Hien's level of absolute Spite that has two people included in his shitlist, but. You know what... it's fine. Sometimes, things are better that way. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 01:19 am (UTC)The thought makes him sick. He grits his teeth, takes a deep breath. No... if he's going to do this, he's going to do it his way. His people's way.
He stands up briefly to sit down in front of Hien, instead, cross-legged, putting his hands in his lap.]
I shall speak freely, then. If I falter... I ask you to give me time to continue. These are not simple things to talk about, and I... do not wish to give in to pointless emotion.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 01:22 am (UTC)[ He reaches over to hold Hythlo's hands in his own. Maybe this will help ground him. ]
Take your time.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 01:39 am (UTC)Thank you.
[Now, where to start...]
It is to do with the fate of my world. Of what we had to do in our attempts to save it, and the reason for why I seek death so much. Why it is so hard for me to hold onto hope.
[He takes a deep breath, trying to distance himself from the facts of the matter, closes his eyes to concentrate better. That way, maybe he won't need to see Hien's disappointment and disgust.]
...I have told you of the Final Days, yes? Our world... suddenly changed. The creation magicks that we once used to bring forth beauty and prosperity birthed monsters, instead. Our nightmares, given form. Slowly, it began, but soon grew in scale, engulfing all of our lands, all of our cities. And we did not know why this happened, or how, or how we could reverse it.
[He swallows. It seems like the matter is starting to get to him, so he takes a few moments before continuing, eyes still closed.]
But something needed to be done. Our world burned. Our people were dying. The old, the young, the newborn. No one was spared. Even as we defeated the horrible creatures that came forth, there was no end. 'Twas as though the star itself had gone... rotten, sick. And all we were doing was dealing with the consequences, not the cause. So... it was the very laws of our world that we needed to change, we judged.
[He finally opens his eyes, looking down at the floor. His voice grows quieter, his expression growing closer to that of someone who is not forcing himself to be distant, but is already drifting away.]
...But that is no easy feat. To change a whole world? Not even we could do that. Not simply. So... we needed someone, something else to save us. So... we created our first god. Zodiark. He would become the new will of the star.
[Hythlo falls silent again, gripping Hien's hands in his before letting go of them, shakily. It looks like this is one of the moments when he will need some time to compose himself.]
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 01:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 02:01 am (UTC)Eventually, he continues.]
Despite everything, life is one thing we cannot create. In order for Zodiark to be a living creature... someone had to become his core. A person. One of us. We all offered ourselves for the role, of course. But... it was not... we had to be reasonable about it. What good would it do if we chose someone just for their noble desire to give themselves, only for them to prove unsuitable to the task? What would we say to our people, then? So... the choice had to be the right one.
[He swallows with difficulty. Even now, thinking about Elidibus makes him feel like his heart is being slowly torn apart.]
...To our dismay, it was... Elidibus. The Emissary. Our youngest. Our brightest. Our kindest. He--we had to give up him...
[Hythlo trails off again, biting his lip, closing his eyes as the tears start to well up.]
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 02:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 02:18 am (UTC)But as I said... he would only be the core of Zodiark. To give our new god the power he would need to save our world... We needed energy. A lot of it. Aether. And... with our creation magicks disrupted as they were... with nowhere else to turn...
[He chuckles, bitterly, looking down at his hands.]
...It was ourselves we gave. Our own souls. The densest source of aether we had left. I... take it you can guess what that means. Can't you, Hien?
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 02:24 am (UTC)Hearing Hythlo's side of the story fills in some holes he didn't know about, and he attempts to stick the pieces of lore together in his head with what he heard from Joss too. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 02:37 am (UTC)And... I... I wanted to give myself, too. We all did, all of us. What sorrow can there be in giving your life to save others? [He takes a shaky breath.] Yet still... we needed to be--logical. Not everyone could give themselves. Not everyone could... allow to give themselves.
[More silence, more shaking in his hands. He feels as though his head is spinning.]
Even when a life is given willingly... the separation of soul and vessel is not a simple process. 'Tis one that... needs precision. Care. Skill. Someone who can... who can sever it cleanly. Painlessly.
[A quiet, nervous laughter rises in his throat as he tries to tug his hands away from Hien's grasp.]
And what... what could someone like that choose? To throw himself away? Or stay, to ease his people's suffering, watch countless souls pass under his hands?
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 02:44 am (UTC)Daeus.
[ His voice is even, despite the distortion. There's no sign of disapproval, but none for approval either. The tone that he carries with his voice only asks Hythlo to continue after gathering himself again. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-11-30 03:15 am (UTC)And yet, he can't help wanting to be selfish.]
Hien... Could you hold me? Just--just for now. So that--I can continue...
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