[Hythlo smiles, too, but his smile is more subdued, more wistful.]
...That, too, was no uncommon thing in my homeland. I... cannot understand the cruelty of this world. At times I think it must be simply a bad dream, yet I still wake here every day.
[He stares at the stone again, unseeing. Come to think of it, wasn't it Atsushi in whom he first saw the extent of damage humans are willing to inflict upon each other? It made him sick with terror at first; now, the feeling is more akin to confusion and deep sadness. He doesn't know if that is a good or a bad thing.]
Edited (imagine not making typos in your dramatic tags) Date: 2020-11-09 09:27 am (UTC)
He's unsure whether it'll help or make things worse, but Sagi steps a little closer and, as gently as possible, puts his hand on the side of Hythlo's giant arm.]
They're rebuilding, too, and helping each other. It's not everyone.
[Then he hesitates, because the next thought he has is one of the few he doesn't tend to voice much.]
It's... a lot of people. Usually with their own reasons. Sometimes they don't even mean it. But never everyone.
[Hythlo takes a deep breath and puts his hand over Sagi's, trying to show his appreciation.]
I understand. I... never meant to insinuate there is naught but evil in this world. But the cruelty that exists... I cannot comprehend it. And... I cannot help but pity those who choose the darker path, as well. 'Tis not a choice one can make out of happiness, of that I am certain.
[He looks down, trying to breathe evenly.]
Yet I could never deny that it terrifies me. Truly. Mayhap I am simply too weak.
"Weak" isn't it. I think that's where everything else starts. Seeing what people are capable of, for what it is, and... deciding not to be that.
...That might sound like just a platitude, coming from me.
[It's a little rare for Sagi to sound overtly self-deprecating like this. Is it Sagi doing the talking right now? Well, it has to be in the absence of anyone else, so he isn't thinking about it.]
I can't always handle it either, so... [A small, casual shrug with his other hand.] Who knows.
[It's mildly hypocritical for him to pretend a part of him doesn't want to see the world burn sometimes, and that's about it. He doesn't think that's complicated enough to be confusing.]
[Hythlo smiles a little, patting Sagi's hand in turn.]
Mayhap we could fail to handle it together. A better dream is finding a way to handle it... But I have my doubts as to how long I shall be able to go on without breaking.
[About Hythlo, primarily. Sagi already has an answer for himself, the same one it's always been: as long as he has to, to do what he needs to, until he can go home. Hythlo... doesn't have that. He's dead.
Marno didn't have that, either. His answer ended up different: until Sagi's story is over, whenever that might be. That wouldn't be Hythlo's, obviously... but it suggests there's one to be found.
He keeps his hand on Hythlo's arm a little longer, because it seems like that's what helps them see eye to eye. Figuratively. Not that he understands why, exactly. Maybe he can't.]
If it helps, you can talk to me about it. It doesn't have to be today. I'll listen.
[He can't promise more than just listening, either. He just thinks it's only fair.]
[He'd figured Hythlo wouldn't be in the mood, but he supposes anyone loitering in the grounds near the roped-off tower has their own business to attend to, unless they're him. He lets go and sits down, arms loosely crossed over his knees.]
He felt that he had to enter them, in order to... subdue his Pokemon. Make them listen to him. The idea did not sit right with master Atsushi... nor with me, I must needs say.
[He laughs quietly.]
In the end we decided that neither of us was cut out for battling, and that mayhap 'twould be best if we chose to do something different with our companions... But that is not what I meant to talk about.
[Hythlo takes a deep breath, trying to steel himself for breaching the actual subject.]
When we talked... It seemed as though he remembered something. I know not whether it was my words that brought back the memory or aught else... Yet come it did.
[He breaks off the blade of grass, winds it around a finger. Unwinds, rewinds.]
I know not what it was he remembered, of course. But all he could do was fall to his knees. Cower. Weep. Beg for forgiveness. Promise to be better.
[The grass tears between his fingers.]
He was not talking to me. He was talking to someone else. Someone made him like this.
[Hythlo's breath is coming deeper, more measured, as though he's trying to keep himself under control.]
[Sagi stays quiet while Hythlo recounts it, like he said he would. Something twists in the pit of his stomach while he processes it. He'd noticed that Atsushi was especially jumpy about people touching him; it makes a horrifying amount of sense that there'd be... something else going on there. He doesn't need nor want to guess at the details. But even thinking about that chain of logic from so distant, so voyeuristic a vantage point is kind of sickening in itself.
(When people made him the way he is, he wasn't remotely old enough to remember. The lucky one, time after time...)
He reaches for the side of Hythlo's arm again, meaning to hook his own arm around it this time. It's another hesitant, awkward attempt at comfort, but it's the best he can think of.]
I'm sorry.
[What else can he say? Though it burns away at him somewhere inside to watch Hythlo get upset again like this and feel like he's doing nothing, he could only truthfully promise to listen.]
[The attempt is successful: Hythlo tugs on Sagi's arm a little in response, then leans onto him. For all his height, he suddenly seems smaller.]
... You've naught to apologize for. And... 'twas the same when I saw you, too. It was... it used to be unfathomable to me that people could be so cruel to each other. Yet the more time I spend here, the more I understand that it is simply the norm. And I know not what I am to do about it.
[He runs a hand down his face.]
I think... I almost convinced myself that should I simply not bring it to mind, the knowledge will go away. Turn out to be naught but a bad dream. But it did not, nor has it left. What am I to do? Try to prevent it from ever happening again? I am but a single man. 'Twould be as throwing rocks at the sun. What am I to do?!
[When he looks across at Hythlo again, his voice is quieter, but firm. He believes this completely. It's one belief every part of him holds.]
I think I get it. It's... hard, when something you took for granted your whole life turns out to be less rosy than you imagined. But - kids still need feeding, plants still need watering, floors still need cleaning. People still need a shoulder to cry on, sometimes.
[There's no mockery to his tone. His smile is soft.]
We don't have to be cut out to change the world. Just what we can reach. One thing at a time.
[Hythlo draws in a shaky breath. He can't deny that Sagi is right, that he, too, wants to see life go on as well. But...]
...Does it ever truly change? Truly? Destruction is so much simpler, so much easier than creation. How can one be certain that the things we do are not simply washed away by more selfishness, by more cruelty? 'Tis not an uphill battle, 'tis a losing one!
[He presses a hand to his face as his voice breaks, drags his nails down the skin, bitter tears welling up in his eyes. He wants to hope, he does, but from the point of view of someone who lives almost forever... how is it possible to close his mind to the suffering and despair people are willing to inflict on each other every day?]
But that is bleak, is it not? Fighting against your nature, against your circumstances for all of your existence, and being rewarded with naught but death, your legacy barely persisting for mere decades after your passing... Nay, what is worse is knowing that others share your fate, too. How could a heart bear it?
[Hmm... didn't work as well that time. He's really upset. Sagi frowns again.]
Hythlodaeus, I can't argue you into being okay with it.
[He's less chiding than simply, plaintively sad. He could choose to be something other than sad, but there's really only one other option, and what Hythlo is saying isn't wrong enough to warrant getting mad. People struggle, then disappear. A thousand years is long enough to uplift gods out of humans and forget the earth under the sky. Everything washes away, the good and the bad. At one point, he was ready to just let it...
He wouldn't now, no. He has someone to go home to. Hythlo doesn't, because he's dead.]
I wish I could. You're kind, and brave, and you've been really nice to me. And, it's clearly hurting you just to think about. I just don't have the answer you're looking for. I only have mine and his.
[Can he even meet it halfway? He tries to think. In the periphery of his vision, the marble slab feels like it's staring at them.]
You said there's a "wanderer" who guides the lost. Isn't that for you, too?
[The wanderer that guides the lost... Shepherd to the stars in the dark. Their traveller, one who not only brought Amaurot and the rest of the world together, but was their connection to each other, too.
The homesickness, the loneliness feel like a fern of frost slowly but inexorably spreading through him, from the core to his fingertips. He did not... really think about it before, didn't let himself. He remembers that night during the trip to Mango when Sagi followed him, remembers that feeling of wanting to go on and on and on, until he could finally forget everything. Maybe he could have been happy here, if he could only forget.
But they stand before his inner vision now, the figures of his closest friends, the Traveller's cheerful smile, the Architect's ever-present frown, the poor cover for his affection. And the memories come back, of the life he had, of the day-to-day work, of meetings and partings, of celebrations and arguments. Of the comfort he took for granted, the comfort of knowing who he was, what his purpose had been, of knowing he was among his people. Is that not why he suffers so much here? To be torn away from everyone, everything you've ever known, thrown into a world that only you don't seem to understand or accept... how is he supposed to survive that, pretend to be fine through all of that?
Slowly, Hythlo pulls up his legs to his chest, hugs his knees with one arm, hunches over, his whole body tense as his defences finally break down. He wants to go home so much. He wants to have at least someone, anyone who could really understand him, not simply sympathize but know what he feels. But there's no one and nowhere to go back to, anymore.
Even Azem's boundless compassion, his contagious cheer, his unbending resolve, is gone. Like the last star winking out in the sky.]
Azem... Where are you...
[His voice is pleading, almost childlike. It's probably pathetic, a part of him thinks, but he doesn't care right now.]
[Seeing Hythlo slump like this is uncomfortable to watch. There must be so much rushing through him. Someone from those long-lost days of magic would be able to read his heart, reach his mind, ease whatever is hurting him beyond simple culture shock. But there's only Sagi, well outside his wheelhouse, and the little bunnycat burrowed into Hythlo's clothes.
Were it any other person he's met in this world, he'd be thinking about stepping away. It's obvious that he touched a nerve he didn't fully mean to, and nothing else he says is going to contribute anything positive now.
He thinks, instead, about a closer friend. About resigning yourself to death as it turns its blades on you, only to wake up in a place that might as well be another dimension, where everything is wrong. Yourself, your heart, the whispers in the back of your mind, the people, the world, the rules, the existence you find yourself lodged in with no way out. Alone, for the first time. Sagi has barely thought about it from that angle before, but wouldn't anyone break a little bit, under those circumstances? Maybe enough to close your heart off for years, even if you were already awake? Could that have happened?
...It probably isn't anything alike, to be honest. He just wonders. No, not exactly. He just wants to understand. To not handle this together, not to stand by, useless.
He lets go of Hythlo's arm, stands up - then puts both of his arms around Hythlo's hunched shoulders. It's less awkward than his other attempts, because he knows this one, even if he hasn't given it to anyone in a long while. It's the hug you give a crying child who has slipped past the reach of words.
When he leans in, the hood and mask help him imagine a face he's never truly going to see.]
[The hug might be just what Hythlodaeus needed: just a hug, some measure of comfort and safety. He leans into it, pressing his forehead against Sagi's chest, lets himself cry as his fingers dig helplessly into the sides of Sagi's clothes. He cries, quietly at first, devolving into ugly sobs as his mind reaches the peak of despair. He cries for himself, lost and alone in an alien world, for the friends he will never see again, whom he never got to say goodbye to, for the fate of his people, for every child of his world who never got to live a full life.
But people can only remain in the abyss of anguish for so long, and eventually Hythlo's tears are exhausted. He stays in place for a little while longer, sniffling and trembling, then pulls away slowly to remove his mask and rub at his eyes.]
Thank you, Sagi... and... my apologies...
[He sure did just cry on a kid's shoulder for good ten minutes. Good job, him.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2020-11-09 08:38 am (UTC)Hythlo chuckles a little, as is his wont.]
Ah, no. 'Tis an ability all of my people possess. My sight is the one thing that stands out... on all other accounts, I am quite an unremarkable man.
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Date: 2020-11-09 08:51 am (UTC)[He actually smiles. He may not like it himself, but...]
It's a nice idea. It's thoughtful.
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Date: 2020-11-09 09:06 am (UTC)...That, too, was no uncommon thing in my homeland. I... cannot understand the cruelty of this world. At times I think it must be simply a bad dream, yet I still wake here every day.
[He stares at the stone again, unseeing. Come to think of it, wasn't it Atsushi in whom he first saw the extent of damage humans are willing to inflict upon each other? It made him sick with terror at first; now, the feeling is more akin to confusion and deep sadness. He doesn't know if that is a good or a bad thing.]
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Date: 2020-11-09 09:40 am (UTC)He's unsure whether it'll help or make things worse, but Sagi steps a little closer and, as gently as possible, puts his hand on the side of Hythlo's giant arm.]
They're rebuilding, too, and helping each other. It's not everyone.
[Then he hesitates, because the next thought he has is one of the few he doesn't tend to voice much.]
It's... a lot of people. Usually with their own reasons. Sometimes they don't even mean it. But never everyone.
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Date: 2020-11-09 09:49 am (UTC)I understand. I... never meant to insinuate there is naught but evil in this world. But the cruelty that exists... I cannot comprehend it. And... I cannot help but pity those who choose the darker path, as well. 'Tis not a choice one can make out of happiness, of that I am certain.
[He looks down, trying to breathe evenly.]
Yet I could never deny that it terrifies me. Truly. Mayhap I am simply too weak.
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Date: 2020-11-09 10:28 am (UTC)"Weak" isn't it. I think that's where everything else starts. Seeing what people are capable of, for what it is, and... deciding not to be that.
...That might sound like just a platitude, coming from me.
[It's a little rare for Sagi to sound overtly self-deprecating like this. Is it Sagi doing the talking right now? Well, it has to be in the absence of anyone else, so he isn't thinking about it.]
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Date: 2020-11-09 01:57 pm (UTC)What do you mean? You are a good man, Sagi. I would trust that you know what you are talking about, and mean it, too.
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Date: 2020-11-09 06:53 pm (UTC)I can't always handle it either, so... [A small, casual shrug with his other hand.] Who knows.
[It's mildly hypocritical for him to pretend a part of him doesn't want to see the world burn sometimes, and that's about it. He doesn't think that's complicated enough to be confusing.]
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Date: 2020-11-10 06:23 am (UTC)Mayhap we could fail to handle it together. A better dream is finding a way to handle it... But I have my doubts as to how long I shall be able to go on without breaking.
[It's the self-deprecation baybey!!!]
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Date: 2020-11-10 08:33 am (UTC)[About Hythlo, primarily. Sagi already has an answer for himself, the same one it's always been: as long as he has to, to do what he needs to, until he can go home. Hythlo... doesn't have that. He's dead.
Marno didn't have that, either. His answer ended up different: until Sagi's story is over, whenever that might be. That wouldn't be Hythlo's, obviously... but it suggests there's one to be found.
He keeps his hand on Hythlo's arm a little longer, because it seems like that's what helps them see eye to eye. Figuratively. Not that he understands why, exactly. Maybe he can't.]
If it helps, you can talk to me about it. It doesn't have to be today. I'll listen.
[He can't promise more than just listening, either. He just thinks it's only fair.]
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Date: 2020-11-10 09:12 am (UTC)[He pats the grass next to him. Sit down, Sagi, it's time for existential sadness.]
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Date: 2020-11-10 09:20 am (UTC)[He'd figured Hythlo wouldn't be in the mood, but he supposes anyone loitering in the grounds near the roped-off tower has their own business to attend to, unless they're him. He lets go and sits down, arms loosely crossed over his knees.]
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Date: 2020-11-10 09:37 am (UTC)Have I ever told you about the time when I spoke with master Atsushi at the contest hall?
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Date: 2020-11-10 09:42 am (UTC)I don't think so. I didn't know he was interested in them.
[Not that he knows anything about Pokemon contests, but the name alone suggests they wouldn't be ideal for someone so... anxious.]
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Date: 2020-11-10 10:24 am (UTC)[He laughs quietly.]
In the end we decided that neither of us was cut out for battling, and that mayhap 'twould be best if we chose to do something different with our companions... But that is not what I meant to talk about.
[Hythlo takes a deep breath, trying to steel himself for breaching the actual subject.]
When we talked... It seemed as though he remembered something. I know not whether it was my words that brought back the memory or aught else... Yet come it did.
[He breaks off the blade of grass, winds it around a finger. Unwinds, rewinds.]
I know not what it was he remembered, of course. But all he could do was fall to his knees. Cower. Weep. Beg for forgiveness. Promise to be better.
[The grass tears between his fingers.]
He was not talking to me. He was talking to someone else. Someone made him like this.
[Hythlo's breath is coming deeper, more measured, as though he's trying to keep himself under control.]
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Date: 2020-11-10 11:16 am (UTC)(When people made him the way he is, he wasn't remotely old enough to remember. The lucky one, time after time...)
He reaches for the side of Hythlo's arm again, meaning to hook his own arm around it this time. It's another hesitant, awkward attempt at comfort, but it's the best he can think of.]
I'm sorry.
[What else can he say? Though it burns away at him somewhere inside to watch Hythlo get upset again like this and feel like he's doing nothing, he could only truthfully promise to listen.]
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Date: 2020-11-10 01:07 pm (UTC)... You've naught to apologize for. And... 'twas the same when I saw you, too. It was... it used to be unfathomable to me that people could be so cruel to each other. Yet the more time I spend here, the more I understand that it is simply the norm. And I know not what I am to do about it.
[He runs a hand down his face.]
I think... I almost convinced myself that should I simply not bring it to mind, the knowledge will go away. Turn out to be naught but a bad dream. But it did not, nor has it left. What am I to do? Try to prevent it from ever happening again? I am but a single man. 'Twould be as throwing rocks at the sun. What am I to do?!
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Date: 2020-11-10 02:15 pm (UTC)[When he looks across at Hythlo again, his voice is quieter, but firm. He believes this completely. It's one belief every part of him holds.]
I think I get it. It's... hard, when something you took for granted your whole life turns out to be less rosy than you imagined. But - kids still need feeding, plants still need watering, floors still need cleaning. People still need a shoulder to cry on, sometimes.
[There's no mockery to his tone. His smile is soft.]
We don't have to be cut out to change the world. Just what we can reach. One thing at a time.
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Date: 2020-11-10 02:32 pm (UTC)...Does it ever truly change? Truly? Destruction is so much simpler, so much easier than creation. How can one be certain that the things we do are not simply washed away by more selfishness, by more cruelty? 'Tis not an uphill battle, 'tis a losing one!
[He presses a hand to his face as his voice breaks, drags his nails down the skin, bitter tears welling up in his eyes. He wants to hope, he does, but from the point of view of someone who lives almost forever... how is it possible to close his mind to the suffering and despair people are willing to inflict on each other every day?]
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Date: 2020-11-10 03:00 pm (UTC)He squeezes Hythlo's arm slightly, as if trying to close it that way instead of with words.]
If you ask me? We haven't lost until we've lost.
[That's all. Morality debates are a field nobody wins on. He refuses to even try.]
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Date: 2020-11-10 04:54 pm (UTC)But that is bleak, is it not? Fighting against your nature, against your circumstances for all of your existence, and being rewarded with naught but death, your legacy barely persisting for mere decades after your passing... Nay, what is worse is knowing that others share your fate, too. How could a heart bear it?
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Date: 2020-11-10 07:31 pm (UTC)Hythlodaeus, I can't argue you into being okay with it.
[He's less chiding than simply, plaintively sad. He could choose to be something other than sad, but there's really only one other option, and what Hythlo is saying isn't wrong enough to warrant getting mad. People struggle, then disappear. A thousand years is long enough to uplift gods out of humans and forget the earth under the sky. Everything washes away, the good and the bad. At one point, he was ready to just let it...
He wouldn't now, no. He has someone to go home to. Hythlo doesn't, because he's dead.]
I wish I could. You're kind, and brave, and you've been really nice to me. And, it's clearly hurting you just to think about. I just don't have the answer you're looking for. I only have mine and his.
[Can he even meet it halfway? He tries to think. In the periphery of his vision, the marble slab feels like it's staring at them.]
You said there's a "wanderer" who guides the lost. Isn't that for you, too?
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Date: 2020-11-11 02:11 pm (UTC)The homesickness, the loneliness feel like a fern of frost slowly but inexorably spreading through him, from the core to his fingertips. He did not... really think about it before, didn't let himself. He remembers that night during the trip to Mango when Sagi followed him, remembers that feeling of wanting to go on and on and on, until he could finally forget everything. Maybe he could have been happy here, if he could only forget.
But they stand before his inner vision now, the figures of his closest friends, the Traveller's cheerful smile, the Architect's ever-present frown, the poor cover for his affection. And the memories come back, of the life he had, of the day-to-day work, of meetings and partings, of celebrations and arguments. Of the comfort he took for granted, the comfort of knowing who he was, what his purpose had been, of knowing he was among his people. Is that not why he suffers so much here? To be torn away from everyone, everything you've ever known, thrown into a world that only you don't seem to understand or accept... how is he supposed to survive that, pretend to be fine through all of that?
Slowly, Hythlo pulls up his legs to his chest, hugs his knees with one arm, hunches over, his whole body tense as his defences finally break down. He wants to go home so much. He wants to have at least someone, anyone who could really understand him, not simply sympathize but know what he feels. But there's no one and nowhere to go back to, anymore.
Even Azem's boundless compassion, his contagious cheer, his unbending resolve, is gone. Like the last star winking out in the sky.]
Azem... Where are you...
[His voice is pleading, almost childlike. It's probably pathetic, a part of him thinks, but he doesn't care right now.]
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Date: 2020-11-11 03:54 pm (UTC)Were it any other person he's met in this world, he'd be thinking about stepping away. It's obvious that he touched a nerve he didn't fully mean to, and nothing else he says is going to contribute anything positive now.
He thinks, instead, about a closer friend. About resigning yourself to death as it turns its blades on you, only to wake up in a place that might as well be another dimension, where everything is wrong. Yourself, your heart, the whispers in the back of your mind, the people, the world, the rules, the existence you find yourself lodged in with no way out. Alone, for the first time. Sagi has barely thought about it from that angle before, but wouldn't anyone break a little bit, under those circumstances? Maybe enough to close your heart off for years, even if you were already awake? Could that have happened?
...It probably isn't anything alike, to be honest. He just wonders. No, not exactly. He just wants to understand. To not handle this together, not to stand by, useless.
He lets go of Hythlo's arm, stands up - then puts both of his arms around Hythlo's hunched shoulders. It's less awkward than his other attempts, because he knows this one, even if he hasn't given it to anyone in a long while. It's the hug you give a crying child who has slipped past the reach of words.
When he leans in, the hood and mask help him imagine a face he's never truly going to see.]
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Date: 2020-11-15 10:50 am (UTC)But people can only remain in the abyss of anguish for so long, and eventually Hythlo's tears are exhausted. He stays in place for a little while longer, sniffling and trembling, then pulls away slowly to remove his mask and rub at his eyes.]
Thank you, Sagi... and... my apologies...
[He sure did just cry on a kid's shoulder for good ten minutes. Good job, him.]
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