But that is bleak, is it not? Fighting against your nature, against your circumstances for all of your existence, and being rewarded with naught but death, your legacy barely persisting for mere decades after your passing... Nay, what is worse is knowing that others share your fate, too. How could a heart bear it?
[Hmm... didn't work as well that time. He's really upset. Sagi frowns again.]
Hythlodaeus, I can't argue you into being okay with it.
[He's less chiding than simply, plaintively sad. He could choose to be something other than sad, but there's really only one other option, and what Hythlo is saying isn't wrong enough to warrant getting mad. People struggle, then disappear. A thousand years is long enough to uplift gods out of humans and forget the earth under the sky. Everything washes away, the good and the bad. At one point, he was ready to just let it...
He wouldn't now, no. He has someone to go home to. Hythlo doesn't, because he's dead.]
I wish I could. You're kind, and brave, and you've been really nice to me. And, it's clearly hurting you just to think about. I just don't have the answer you're looking for. I only have mine and his.
[Can he even meet it halfway? He tries to think. In the periphery of his vision, the marble slab feels like it's staring at them.]
You said there's a "wanderer" who guides the lost. Isn't that for you, too?
[The wanderer that guides the lost... Shepherd to the stars in the dark. Their traveller, one who not only brought Amaurot and the rest of the world together, but was their connection to each other, too.
The homesickness, the loneliness feel like a fern of frost slowly but inexorably spreading through him, from the core to his fingertips. He did not... really think about it before, didn't let himself. He remembers that night during the trip to Mango when Sagi followed him, remembers that feeling of wanting to go on and on and on, until he could finally forget everything. Maybe he could have been happy here, if he could only forget.
But they stand before his inner vision now, the figures of his closest friends, the Traveller's cheerful smile, the Architect's ever-present frown, the poor cover for his affection. And the memories come back, of the life he had, of the day-to-day work, of meetings and partings, of celebrations and arguments. Of the comfort he took for granted, the comfort of knowing who he was, what his purpose had been, of knowing he was among his people. Is that not why he suffers so much here? To be torn away from everyone, everything you've ever known, thrown into a world that only you don't seem to understand or accept... how is he supposed to survive that, pretend to be fine through all of that?
Slowly, Hythlo pulls up his legs to his chest, hugs his knees with one arm, hunches over, his whole body tense as his defences finally break down. He wants to go home so much. He wants to have at least someone, anyone who could really understand him, not simply sympathize but know what he feels. But there's no one and nowhere to go back to, anymore.
Even Azem's boundless compassion, his contagious cheer, his unbending resolve, is gone. Like the last star winking out in the sky.]
Azem... Where are you...
[His voice is pleading, almost childlike. It's probably pathetic, a part of him thinks, but he doesn't care right now.]
[Seeing Hythlo slump like this is uncomfortable to watch. There must be so much rushing through him. Someone from those long-lost days of magic would be able to read his heart, reach his mind, ease whatever is hurting him beyond simple culture shock. But there's only Sagi, well outside his wheelhouse, and the little bunnycat burrowed into Hythlo's clothes.
Were it any other person he's met in this world, he'd be thinking about stepping away. It's obvious that he touched a nerve he didn't fully mean to, and nothing else he says is going to contribute anything positive now.
He thinks, instead, about a closer friend. About resigning yourself to death as it turns its blades on you, only to wake up in a place that might as well be another dimension, where everything is wrong. Yourself, your heart, the whispers in the back of your mind, the people, the world, the rules, the existence you find yourself lodged in with no way out. Alone, for the first time. Sagi has barely thought about it from that angle before, but wouldn't anyone break a little bit, under those circumstances? Maybe enough to close your heart off for years, even if you were already awake? Could that have happened?
...It probably isn't anything alike, to be honest. He just wonders. No, not exactly. He just wants to understand. To not handle this together, not to stand by, useless.
He lets go of Hythlo's arm, stands up - then puts both of his arms around Hythlo's hunched shoulders. It's less awkward than his other attempts, because he knows this one, even if he hasn't given it to anyone in a long while. It's the hug you give a crying child who has slipped past the reach of words.
When he leans in, the hood and mask help him imagine a face he's never truly going to see.]
[The hug might be just what Hythlodaeus needed: just a hug, some measure of comfort and safety. He leans into it, pressing his forehead against Sagi's chest, lets himself cry as his fingers dig helplessly into the sides of Sagi's clothes. He cries, quietly at first, devolving into ugly sobs as his mind reaches the peak of despair. He cries for himself, lost and alone in an alien world, for the friends he will never see again, whom he never got to say goodbye to, for the fate of his people, for every child of his world who never got to live a full life.
But people can only remain in the abyss of anguish for so long, and eventually Hythlo's tears are exhausted. He stays in place for a little while longer, sniffling and trembling, then pulls away slowly to remove his mask and rub at his eyes.]
Thank you, Sagi... and... my apologies...
[He sure did just cry on a kid's shoulder for good ten minutes. Good job, him.]
[The whole time, Sagi stays silent. Shushing or comforting Hythlo like an actual child would be going overboard, and as (Sagi's idea of) adults, there's nothing else to say - only another small, rueful smile when Hythlo seems to have gotten the worst of it out of his system and, at long last, lets go.]
Don't be sorry. It's not you who's done anything wrong.
[He remains standing, folding his arms over the large damp patch on the front of his clothes. The clothes aren't a big deal; he's had worse on him before. Very recently, even.]
You know, something about you reminds me of him.
[It may be that he should have kept that last part to himself. Still, it comes out a little softer, quieter.]
[For a moment Hythlo wonders what "him" Sagi is talking about, but his expression softens when he remembers their talk at the hospital. Sagi's friend...]
I can but hope 'tis not my penchant for crying that makes you think of him.
[He sniffles, wiping his face with a sleeve, but the joke is genuine, without self-deprecation behind it. He feels... better, maybe. Still shaky from exhaustion, but it feels as though a part of the weight has been lifted. He can forget about his grief for a time.]
No, it's not that. [He's so matter of fact about it, too. Yes, Hythlo seems to cry a lot.] I just wonder if he ever thought about anything similar. It's hard to describe...
[So he won't, unless told to try. He does hesitate, but it's because he's weighing up the next thing he kind of wants to say. He's not used to being the one to ask things like this.]
Do you want to go get a drink somewhere?
[On the other hand, it makes sense to, right? A number of shops have managed to reopen by now, and Hythlo did cry a lot.]
Indeed... I would prefer to avoid another migraine. Thank you for your kindness, Sagi.
[As he brushes himself off, Lucy finally pops out of his hoodie, trembling. It... looks like she cried, too. Hythlo immediately feels terribly guilty.]
Oh goodness... I am so sorry, Lucy. Sagi, I think 'twould be best if we could find a treat for her, as well... and I would love to hear more about Marno. If I remind you of him... even if the connection exists only in my mind, 'tis heartening to think there might have been someone like me.
[The walk doesn't take too long, and at least it gives Hythlo a chance to recover from his breakdown some more and feel like a regular person. When they arrive, he orders some water first - after all, sugary tea isn't exactly going to be good replacement for lost fluid, - and then the specialty boba with a side order of treats for Lucy, who once again hides in his clothes until they sit down and she can be sure there's no one other than Hythlo and Sagi around. Hythlo unzips his hoodie to about halfway so the Sentret can eat without exposing herself to the outside too much. Poor scaredy thing.]
Do you ever wonder what the tapioca balls look like in dry form, Sagi?
[Sagi didn't say much on the way here, and the short trek to the boba shop wouldn't have been long enough for storytelling anyway. He orders a milk tea, but he's just absently prodding at the side of the cup with a straw when Hythlo's comment makes him look up again, nonplussed.]
Huh? They're dried?
["Bright, but not in the intelligence sense" is still not far off the mark. Thanks, Hythlo.]
I wonder if they have some manner of a storage of those... Mayhap I could ask the barista to let me try some.
[He takes a thoughtful sip of his boba and hands Lucy a berry. The Sentret takes it furtively, then hides back into his hoodie, only her beady eyes and long ears visible.]
But I digress... You offered to tell me of your friend? And mayhap I could tell you more of my world, as well.
Oh! Yeah, I would like to hear more about the kind of place you come from. It sounds nice.
[Not so coincidentally, the reason he sounded distracted was because he was still thinking about what exactly about Marno is left to tell. Whether that merits looking as sheepish as he does now that it comes up again is an open question.]
[He looks confused - except then, suddenly, a flash of inspiration strikes. It's less a lightning strike than a minor sizzle, but it's there.]
...Wait, you mean the kids' game. Paper-gator-thorns. Right? With the - hand gestures, for deciding things.
[He mimes the gator one, two fingers out. The gator eats paper, paper covers a ball of thorns, thorns pop the gator. It's a kids' game, it doesn't have to make sense.]
I know that one. Sometimes Marno would help me pick.
["Help". Anyway, that's what bridged that particular logical connection. Don't expect him to manage it often.]
Well... there might be a kind of Pokemon that looks like a gator. I haven't seen any yet.
[Shrug. It feels like the wackiest of things in this world could only mildly surprise him at this point, and yet he keeps getting surprised.]
It's just one of the monsters that's common in the woods we'd play in as kids. Round like a ball, kind of stubby... They can roll at you pretty fast if you annoy them. The two fingers are supposed to be its jaws.
[He mimes the gator again, moving his fingers this time. Snappity snap.]
Gator beats paper, paper beats thorns, thorns beat gator. It's like that.
[Round and stubby... that sounds kind of cute to Hythlo.]
Now that I come to think of it, mayhap 'twould be an interesting event to exchange information about everyone's worlds. The flora and fauna all of us are used to appears to be quite different... Can you draw, Sagi?
[Well, guess who's likely to go onto another tangent about how you should totally draw him a gator.]
Wait, you're an artist? [He regards Hythlo with genuine wonder.] I had no idea.
[He isn't sure what he envisioned Hythlo doing, actually. Probably not crying. If anything, he would have thought... soul things... were a full-time job, considering how common it is for people to die. Then again, he wasn't good at any of his full-time jobs.]
I would not go so far as to call myself that, but I do enjoy the arts quite a lot. 'Tis not uncommon among my people. Of course, after the promotion I've had less time to engage in it... Mayhap I should pick it up again now that I am here.
[But since there aren't any art supplies here, and he isn't really thinking about whether Hythlo can create those or not...]
OK, count of three? Three, two, one...
[He hesitates for just a barest instant too long before going with "gator" again; it's not that he's trying to cheat so much as, yeah, he's used to having someone else help him decide at the last second. Oops.]
[Hythlo is sufficiently distracted by the fact that Sagi started counting backwards instead of one-two-three, as he is used to, and ends up with... paper, because he didn't think to form his hand into anything else.]
Oh dear. Well, I suppose the honour falls to you first, Sagi! You said I remind you of Marno, yes?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2020-11-10 04:54 pm (UTC)But that is bleak, is it not? Fighting against your nature, against your circumstances for all of your existence, and being rewarded with naught but death, your legacy barely persisting for mere decades after your passing... Nay, what is worse is knowing that others share your fate, too. How could a heart bear it?
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Date: 2020-11-10 07:31 pm (UTC)Hythlodaeus, I can't argue you into being okay with it.
[He's less chiding than simply, plaintively sad. He could choose to be something other than sad, but there's really only one other option, and what Hythlo is saying isn't wrong enough to warrant getting mad. People struggle, then disappear. A thousand years is long enough to uplift gods out of humans and forget the earth under the sky. Everything washes away, the good and the bad. At one point, he was ready to just let it...
He wouldn't now, no. He has someone to go home to. Hythlo doesn't, because he's dead.]
I wish I could. You're kind, and brave, and you've been really nice to me. And, it's clearly hurting you just to think about. I just don't have the answer you're looking for. I only have mine and his.
[Can he even meet it halfway? He tries to think. In the periphery of his vision, the marble slab feels like it's staring at them.]
You said there's a "wanderer" who guides the lost. Isn't that for you, too?
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Date: 2020-11-11 02:11 pm (UTC)The homesickness, the loneliness feel like a fern of frost slowly but inexorably spreading through him, from the core to his fingertips. He did not... really think about it before, didn't let himself. He remembers that night during the trip to Mango when Sagi followed him, remembers that feeling of wanting to go on and on and on, until he could finally forget everything. Maybe he could have been happy here, if he could only forget.
But they stand before his inner vision now, the figures of his closest friends, the Traveller's cheerful smile, the Architect's ever-present frown, the poor cover for his affection. And the memories come back, of the life he had, of the day-to-day work, of meetings and partings, of celebrations and arguments. Of the comfort he took for granted, the comfort of knowing who he was, what his purpose had been, of knowing he was among his people. Is that not why he suffers so much here? To be torn away from everyone, everything you've ever known, thrown into a world that only you don't seem to understand or accept... how is he supposed to survive that, pretend to be fine through all of that?
Slowly, Hythlo pulls up his legs to his chest, hugs his knees with one arm, hunches over, his whole body tense as his defences finally break down. He wants to go home so much. He wants to have at least someone, anyone who could really understand him, not simply sympathize but know what he feels. But there's no one and nowhere to go back to, anymore.
Even Azem's boundless compassion, his contagious cheer, his unbending resolve, is gone. Like the last star winking out in the sky.]
Azem... Where are you...
[His voice is pleading, almost childlike. It's probably pathetic, a part of him thinks, but he doesn't care right now.]
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Date: 2020-11-11 03:54 pm (UTC)Were it any other person he's met in this world, he'd be thinking about stepping away. It's obvious that he touched a nerve he didn't fully mean to, and nothing else he says is going to contribute anything positive now.
He thinks, instead, about a closer friend. About resigning yourself to death as it turns its blades on you, only to wake up in a place that might as well be another dimension, where everything is wrong. Yourself, your heart, the whispers in the back of your mind, the people, the world, the rules, the existence you find yourself lodged in with no way out. Alone, for the first time. Sagi has barely thought about it from that angle before, but wouldn't anyone break a little bit, under those circumstances? Maybe enough to close your heart off for years, even if you were already awake? Could that have happened?
...It probably isn't anything alike, to be honest. He just wonders. No, not exactly. He just wants to understand. To not handle this together, not to stand by, useless.
He lets go of Hythlo's arm, stands up - then puts both of his arms around Hythlo's hunched shoulders. It's less awkward than his other attempts, because he knows this one, even if he hasn't given it to anyone in a long while. It's the hug you give a crying child who has slipped past the reach of words.
When he leans in, the hood and mask help him imagine a face he's never truly going to see.]
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Date: 2020-11-15 10:50 am (UTC)But people can only remain in the abyss of anguish for so long, and eventually Hythlo's tears are exhausted. He stays in place for a little while longer, sniffling and trembling, then pulls away slowly to remove his mask and rub at his eyes.]
Thank you, Sagi... and... my apologies...
[He sure did just cry on a kid's shoulder for good ten minutes. Good job, him.]
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Date: 2020-11-15 11:20 am (UTC)Don't be sorry. It's not you who's done anything wrong.
[He remains standing, folding his arms over the large damp patch on the front of his clothes. The clothes aren't a big deal; he's had worse on him before. Very recently, even.]
You know, something about you reminds me of him.
[It may be that he should have kept that last part to himself. Still, it comes out a little softer, quieter.]
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Date: 2020-11-15 11:27 am (UTC)I can but hope 'tis not my penchant for crying that makes you think of him.
[He sniffles, wiping his face with a sleeve, but the joke is genuine, without self-deprecation behind it. He feels... better, maybe. Still shaky from exhaustion, but it feels as though a part of the weight has been lifted. He can forget about his grief for a time.]
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Date: 2020-11-15 12:03 pm (UTC)[So he won't, unless told to try. He does hesitate, but it's because he's weighing up the next thing he kind of wants to say. He's not used to being the one to ask things like this.]
Do you want to go get a drink somewhere?
[On the other hand, it makes sense to, right? A number of shops have managed to reopen by now, and Hythlo did cry a lot.]
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Date: 2020-11-15 02:01 pm (UTC)Indeed... I would prefer to avoid another migraine. Thank you for your kindness, Sagi.
[As he brushes himself off, Lucy finally pops out of his hoodie, trembling. It... looks like she cried, too. Hythlo immediately feels terribly guilty.]
Oh goodness... I am so sorry, Lucy. Sagi, I think 'twould be best if we could find a treat for her, as well... and I would love to hear more about Marno. If I remind you of him... even if the connection exists only in my mind, 'tis heartening to think there might have been someone like me.
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Date: 2020-11-15 03:31 pm (UTC)[Just not right this second. He stretches widely, then looks from side to side to re-orient himself.]
If it's Pokemon treats, maybe the boba shop... OK, let's go.
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Date: 2020-11-16 01:24 pm (UTC)[The walk doesn't take too long, and at least it gives Hythlo a chance to recover from his breakdown some more and feel like a regular person. When they arrive, he orders some water first - after all, sugary tea isn't exactly going to be good replacement for lost fluid, - and then the specialty boba with a side order of treats for Lucy, who once again hides in his clothes until they sit down and she can be sure there's no one other than Hythlo and Sagi around. Hythlo unzips his hoodie to about halfway so the Sentret can eat without exposing herself to the outside too much. Poor scaredy thing.]
Do you ever wonder what the tapioca balls look like in dry form, Sagi?
[Important questions.]
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Date: 2020-11-16 01:43 pm (UTC)Huh? They're dried?
["Bright, but not in the intelligence sense" is still not far off the mark. Thanks, Hythlo.]
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Date: 2020-11-16 03:04 pm (UTC)I wonder if they have some manner of a storage of those... Mayhap I could ask the barista to let me try some.
[He takes a thoughtful sip of his boba and hands Lucy a berry. The Sentret takes it furtively, then hides back into his hoodie, only her beady eyes and long ears visible.]
But I digress... You offered to tell me of your friend? And mayhap I could tell you more of my world, as well.
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Date: 2020-11-16 03:34 pm (UTC)[Not so coincidentally, the reason he sounded distracted was because he was still thinking about what exactly about Marno is left to tell. Whether that merits looking as sheepish as he does now that it comes up again is an open question.]
Um... who first?
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Date: 2020-11-16 03:39 pm (UTC)Ah, I was just recently taught the game of rock, paper and scissors. Do you know it?
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Date: 2020-11-16 04:13 pm (UTC)[He looks confused - except then, suddenly, a flash of inspiration strikes. It's less a lightning strike than a minor sizzle, but it's there.]
...Wait, you mean the kids' game. Paper-gator-thorns. Right? With the - hand gestures, for deciding things.
[He mimes the gator one, two fingers out. The gator eats paper, paper covers a ball of thorns, thorns pop the gator. It's a kids' game, it doesn't have to make sense.]
I know that one. Sometimes Marno would help me pick.
["Help". Anyway, that's what bridged that particular logical connection. Don't expect him to manage it often.]
no subject
Date: 2020-11-16 04:36 pm (UTC)Indeed! What is a gator, however? A thing of this world or yours?
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Date: 2020-11-16 05:09 pm (UTC)[Shrug. It feels like the wackiest of things in this world could only mildly surprise him at this point, and yet he keeps getting surprised.]
It's just one of the monsters that's common in the woods we'd play in as kids. Round like a ball, kind of stubby... They can roll at you pretty fast if you annoy them. The two fingers are supposed to be its jaws.
[He mimes the gator again, moving his fingers this time. Snappity snap.]
Gator beats paper, paper beats thorns, thorns beat gator. It's like that.
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Date: 2020-11-17 06:20 am (UTC)Now that I come to think of it, mayhap 'twould be an interesting event to exchange information about everyone's worlds. The flora and fauna all of us are used to appears to be quite different... Can you draw, Sagi?
[Well, guess who's likely to go onto another tangent about how you should totally draw him a gator.]
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Date: 2020-11-17 08:00 am (UTC)[He kind of likes the stick figures, sometimes, but he has to be honest.]
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Date: 2020-11-17 10:52 am (UTC)Ah... are children not taught the arts in your world? 'Tis quite a pity... Mayhap I could teach you some, should you have the inclination?
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Date: 2020-11-17 11:00 am (UTC)[He isn't sure what he envisioned Hythlo doing, actually. Probably not crying. If anything, he would have thought... soul things... were a full-time job, considering how common it is for people to die. Then again, he wasn't good at any of his full-time jobs.]
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Date: 2020-11-17 11:11 am (UTC)I would not go so far as to call myself that, but I do enjoy the arts quite a lot. 'Tis not uncommon among my people. Of course, after the promotion I've had less time to engage in it... Mayhap I should pick it up again now that I am here.
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Date: 2020-11-21 01:03 am (UTC)[But since there aren't any art supplies here, and he isn't really thinking about whether Hythlo can create those or not...]
OK, count of three? Three, two, one...
[He hesitates for just a barest instant too long before going with "gator" again; it's not that he's trying to cheat so much as, yeah, he's used to having someone else help him decide at the last second. Oops.]
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Date: 2020-11-24 10:42 am (UTC)Oh dear. Well, I suppose the honour falls to you first, Sagi! You said I remind you of Marno, yes?
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