Ah, yes. Our world is a star, like many others, [he makes a circle shape with his finger], - a sphere with immense energy at its core. Amaurot is the capital of my people, the biggest and most illustrious city on the star. 'Tis where I have abided all my life, but there are many settlements out there.
[He picks up his unused straw and gestures vaguely above the table.]
All the islands, floating. The stars, somewhere above. [He points a little higher, above the top of his cup, then lower again.] Below us, the Taintclouds. Then below even that, the earth.
[Punctuated with a tap on the table. Honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if he's not explaining well even with the gestures - he remembers how overwhelming it was to see the earth for the first time, so he expects it's equally hard to wrap your head around the reverse. Still, he's trying his best.]
[Hythlo listens with interest. That's a very unusual setup, indeed... but one that sounds fascinating.]
Hmmm... If the islands float, they must needs have a particularly strong source of energy, am I correct? 'Tis not too hard to overcome gravity with the aid of magicks, but doing so on such a grand scale with such massive structures... truly impressive! I would love to learn more.
[A little crease forms in Sagi's brow. It didn't occur to him that Hythlo would wonder about what keeps the islands afloat, considering how long he went without ever questioning it.]
It's... magic, yeah. Left over from the bodies of gods a thousand years ago. Nobody could lift entire continents like that today. ...That's basically how Marno got up there.
[Well, it's the truth. He's beginning to realise since a couple days ago that even his lies by omission aren't very good.]
Sagi says nothing, although his own attempt at a smile fades pretty fast. He resists taking offense to the idea of wanting to be a god's vessel, since they certainly aren't picturing the same thing. Whether Hythlo elaborates or not, it won't be on him.]
[Hythlodaeus takes a couple slow breaths, balancing himself out. No, he won't cry about it. That would be simply selfish of him, in face of everyone's sacrifices.]
...Our world fell into ruin suddenly, you see. Much... much like what happened here. Creation magicks running rampant, birthing monsters that would devour people and raze cities. To stop it... we had to change the world itself. [He takes a deep breath, trying to distance himself from the things he's talking about.] Unfortunately, that was no easy feat. We had no time, nowhere else to turn. So... we decided to create a new will for our star. Zodiark, who would rewrite the laws of our world anew. Bring it peace again. He... is what I meant when I said that we had need of a god once.
[He falls silent for a little while, rests his elbows on the table and leans forward, still keeping his eyes on his hands.]
Yet we could not create life. Someone needed to become the heart of Zodiark. To be his core. We volunteered, all of us, but in the end the one judged most fitting... was only one of us. One of my friends. As for myself... and many others... the core was only a start. To grant Zodiark the power he would need to save our world... we offered to give our souls. The mightiest source of energy we had left. [He swallows thickly, his voice dropping to quiet monotone.] I would have been one of them. I had no regrets. But--the separation of the soul from the body is a delicate process still. One that requires skill. One that requires precision. Good sight. Like mine.
[Sagi listens quietly the whole time, the way he does when he knows he has nothing to contribute. He doesn't immediately react when Hythlo's voice falters, either. His expression only darkens.
When he does speak up, the words come out at least as flat as Hythlo's - but softly, because he deliberately reins them in.]
You killed them. And it didn't save you.
[He isn't judging. It isn't pointed. It wants to point, to bite - how twisted must this home of Hythlo's have been, that a multitude of people just like him would buy into all these justifications, would give up their lives for some cause that didn't even work? And he thinks someplace like that is less traumatic than anywhere else?
But no, something in his heart stops him. That isn't reasonable. Hythlo was alive in the wrong place at the wrong time. It clearly didn't leave him unaffected. Maybe he - like Sagi - just thought he saw a chance to start over here, that turned out not to be there.]
Not killed. Took them, yes. But not killed. Pray believe me when I say I know the difference. [His knuckles whiten as he clenches his hands.] And I would have gladly given my own life, had I been allowed to do so. But--
[He breaks off, shakes his head, tries to continue the explanation.]
It did save us. The rampages stopped. The life returned. But... we wanted to bring our brethren back. That was the point of involving those with the Sight, like myself. The cleaner the separation, the easier it is to restore the soul. That was... why we had to do it. Why I could not give my life. [He brings up a tired hand to his face to rub at his eyes, aware that he's getting sidetracked.] But that is not--not the point. What happened was that the decision many chose to agree with was waiting until enough life had sprung up, and then offer it to Zodiark again so that he might restore those who had given themselves to create him. Many disagreed. And thus... came the first conflict between our people. 'Twas in the aftermath of it that I died.
[Hythlodaeus is aware that he left out many details, but at the same time he feels so utterly drained just trying to talk about it. He falls silent again, staring at nothing, waiting for Sagi's judgement without fear. Whatever it might be, it can't be worse than what he's been subjecting himself to every time he allowed his thoughts to wander back to the past.]
If your world-saving vision means deluding people into throwing away their lives for cheap, you've gone wrong somewhere.
[Sagi doesn't look up, but nor does he skip a beat. His attempt at keeping his tone of voice dispassionate definitely slips here. It's personal. Not to him, just to someone very close.]
[Hythlo steeples his hands before him, brings them close to his face, staring ahead of him intently.]
Deluding, you say. Aye, I daresay the people of this world would have needed to deceive each other to achieve something. Every life, every life offered was given willingly, do you understand? We truly believed this would be our salvation, and it was. What would you have had us done? Look for another solution? While our cities burned, while our children died? You would have had us face our people and tell them we had no morally simple solution, please sit back and watch each other be devoured by the monsters of the Final Days?!
[Hythlo's own voice slips from the monotone as well as he grinds his teeth, clenches his hands to the point of pain, digging the nails into his skin.]
[Sagi looks up from the straw he was staring at, over at the closest table where a trainer is squinting suspiciously at them, then back down again. In his mind, it may as well be Milly's father ranting at him. Spittle flying. Blood flecking.
He shakes his head to clear the image away. He's still not here to get swept up in a moral debate, no matter how desperately Hythlo seems to want them.]
[Hythlo breathes out a shaky sigh and seems to deflate, falling back in his seat, bringing up his hands to cover his face.]
...Neither do I. Truly I don't, Sagi. I do not know whether what we did was wrong or right or if there even was anything to be done that could be right! I just--I just wish it never happened in the first place...
[His voice breaks again as he tries to choke back his tears.]
[Again, it's the kindest thing he can think of to say. Not for bringing it up, because he didn't, not this time. For every era in every world in every alternate dimension being cruel, he supposes.]
[Hythlo takes a deep breath, seems to get himself under control after a few more moments. He slowly raises himself back up, gives Sagi a tired, sad look.]
...Thank you, Sagi. For saying you don't know. [He looks away again, still breathing deeply.] We none of us know whether it was right, and in so many ways it was not. But 'twas a choice made, and one that we must needs carry the burden of. Wrong or right, it was ours.
[He hadn't really been conscious of himself slouching, but now he sits up, drawing his clasped hands a little closer to his side of the table - to his heart, just incidentally.]
I hope you find your way again, too.
[It's not quite a prayer in the same way as the one at the gravestone, but that doesn't make it not one.]
[Something about that--the fact not of acceptance, nor forgiveness as such, but a gift of hope and kindness instead, feels like it breaks some last barrier in Hythlo's heart. He nods, tearfully, a hand over his mouth to stop himself from completely breaking down once again. It's not entirely successful and he has to pull the hood over his face again to save Sagi the sight of more of his crying. It's shorter this time, at least, and it's maybe a few minutes before Hythlo allows himself to relax again and grab some tissues from the table to wipe his face.]
...Thank you, Sagi. I... want to find it too.
[He looks down still as he continues.]
I... envy your kind in a way. You are so much more used to pain and death. We are not. We... never knew how to deal with it. Mayhaps that was why... why we chose something like that.
[Yet again, Sagi doesn't try to interrupt Hythlo when he cries. He pushes the tissues a little ways across the table when it seems like Hythlo is starting to regain his composure, and that's about it. He still hasn't touched his drink.]
I don't know about that, either. Most people aren't. You either learn, or you never have to.
[In the corner of his mind, something wonders: what is his "kind" lately, anyway? He doesn't pay attention to it, since it isn't relevant.]
[Hythlo shakes his head. To him, the difference is obvious.]
Nay, what I mean is... You are surrounded by it from your very birth. A child will oft see his grandparents pass well before his own prime. Disease, accidents, mere overwork... There is so much besides forceful death. You... are so much more cognizant of it. You have to be. And deep down you know from such young age that you, too, shall expire one day. You do not even know what might wait for you on the other side. You are all...
[He looks down at his lap, the sadness in his voice rivaling that in Joss's expression.]
...so alone.
[The words come out as almost a whisper, but rather than pity, they sound very much like a child being unable to force reality, puzzled and hurt and scared.]
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no subject
Date: 2020-11-25 11:02 am (UTC)Ah, yes. Our world is a star, like many others, [he makes a circle shape with his finger], - a sphere with immense energy at its core. Amaurot is the capital of my people, the biggest and most illustrious city on the star. 'Tis where I have abided all my life, but there are many settlements out there.
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Date: 2020-11-25 11:13 am (UTC)You live on a star? Wow... I've never heard of anything like that.
[So the kind of star he's talking about is... a sphere? Is it constantly on fire or something?]
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Date: 2020-11-25 12:33 pm (UTC)... Hmmm. What do you call your world? As in... how is it structured?
[He's trying to... pose his questions so that Sagi doesn't misunderstand them...]
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Date: 2020-11-25 12:50 pm (UTC)[He picks up his unused straw and gestures vaguely above the table.]
All the islands, floating. The stars, somewhere above. [He points a little higher, above the top of his cup, then lower again.] Below us, the Taintclouds. Then below even that, the earth.
[Punctuated with a tap on the table. Honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if he's not explaining well even with the gestures - he remembers how overwhelming it was to see the earth for the first time, so he expects it's equally hard to wrap your head around the reverse. Still, he's trying his best.]
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Date: 2020-11-28 01:21 pm (UTC)Hmmm... If the islands float, they must needs have a particularly strong source of energy, am I correct? 'Tis not too hard to overcome gravity with the aid of magicks, but doing so on such a grand scale with such massive structures... truly impressive! I would love to learn more.
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Date: 2020-11-28 01:51 pm (UTC)It's... magic, yeah. Left over from the bodies of gods a thousand years ago. Nobody could lift entire continents like that today. ...That's basically how Marno got up there.
[Well, it's the truth. He's beginning to realise since a couple days ago that even his lies by omission aren't very good.]
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Date: 2020-11-28 01:58 pm (UTC)[Hythlo looks sad at that. It's not exactly something he wants to talk about, but Sagi deserves honesty from him in turn, as well.]
...'Tis true that such things possess great power. Enough to save a world.
[He looks down at his hands. That sure sounds like someone talking from experience.]
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Date: 2020-11-28 02:09 pm (UTC)[He admits that with a weaker smile, but stops short of actually pushing to find out the details. Hythlo is fragile enough.]
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Date: 2020-11-28 02:13 pm (UTC)...I wish it had been me. But I would not have made a fitting vessel. A different task fell to me instead.
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Date: 2020-11-28 02:21 pm (UTC)Sagi says nothing, although his own attempt at a smile fades pretty fast. He resists taking offense to the idea of wanting to be a god's vessel, since they certainly aren't picturing the same thing. Whether Hythlo elaborates or not, it won't be on him.]
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Date: 2020-11-28 02:36 pm (UTC)...Our world fell into ruin suddenly, you see. Much... much like what happened here. Creation magicks running rampant, birthing monsters that would devour people and raze cities. To stop it... we had to change the world itself. [He takes a deep breath, trying to distance himself from the things he's talking about.] Unfortunately, that was no easy feat. We had no time, nowhere else to turn. So... we decided to create a new will for our star. Zodiark, who would rewrite the laws of our world anew. Bring it peace again. He... is what I meant when I said that we had need of a god once.
[He falls silent for a little while, rests his elbows on the table and leans forward, still keeping his eyes on his hands.]
Yet we could not create life. Someone needed to become the heart of Zodiark. To be his core. We volunteered, all of us, but in the end the one judged most fitting... was only one of us. One of my friends. As for myself... and many others... the core was only a start. To grant Zodiark the power he would need to save our world... we offered to give our souls. The mightiest source of energy we had left. [He swallows thickly, his voice dropping to quiet monotone.] I would have been one of them. I had no regrets. But--the separation of the soul from the body is a delicate process still. One that requires skill. One that requires precision. Good sight. Like mine.
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Date: 2020-11-28 03:12 pm (UTC)When he does speak up, the words come out at least as flat as Hythlo's - but softly, because he deliberately reins them in.]
You killed them. And it didn't save you.
[He isn't judging. It isn't pointed. It wants to point, to bite - how twisted must this home of Hythlo's have been, that a multitude of people just like him would buy into all these justifications, would give up their lives for some cause that didn't even work? And he thinks someplace like that is less traumatic than anywhere else?
But no, something in his heart stops him. That isn't reasonable. Hythlo was alive in the wrong place at the wrong time. It clearly didn't leave him unaffected. Maybe he - like Sagi - just thought he saw a chance to start over here, that turned out not to be there.]
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 07:48 am (UTC)Not killed. Took them, yes. But not killed. Pray believe me when I say I know the difference. [His knuckles whiten as he clenches his hands.] And I would have gladly given my own life, had I been allowed to do so. But--
[He breaks off, shakes his head, tries to continue the explanation.]
It did save us. The rampages stopped. The life returned. But... we wanted to bring our brethren back. That was the point of involving those with the Sight, like myself. The cleaner the separation, the easier it is to restore the soul. That was... why we had to do it. Why I could not give my life. [He brings up a tired hand to his face to rub at his eyes, aware that he's getting sidetracked.] But that is not--not the point. What happened was that the decision many chose to agree with was waiting until enough life had sprung up, and then offer it to Zodiark again so that he might restore those who had given themselves to create him. Many disagreed. And thus... came the first conflict between our people. 'Twas in the aftermath of it that I died.
[Hythlodaeus is aware that he left out many details, but at the same time he feels so utterly drained just trying to talk about it. He falls silent again, staring at nothing, waiting for Sagi's judgement without fear. Whatever it might be, it can't be worse than what he's been subjecting himself to every time he allowed his thoughts to wander back to the past.]
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Date: 2020-11-29 08:25 am (UTC)Something must have been rotten under the surface for a long time, for that to be the first.
[And Hythlo thought that place was somehow different from everywhere else in a non-geographical sense. Why?
...]
What did you "decide"?
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Date: 2020-11-29 01:21 pm (UTC)Before I answer... can you tell me what you mean by rotten?
[Depending on what Sagi says, Hythlo might agree with him.]
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Date: 2020-11-29 02:09 pm (UTC)[Sagi doesn't look up, but nor does he skip a beat. His attempt at keeping his tone of voice dispassionate definitely slips here. It's personal. Not to him, just to someone very close.]
It doesn't matter what the cause is.
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Date: 2020-11-29 02:23 pm (UTC)Deluding, you say. Aye, I daresay the people of this world would have needed to deceive each other to achieve something. Every life, every life offered was given willingly, do you understand? We truly believed this would be our salvation, and it was. What would you have had us done? Look for another solution? While our cities burned, while our children died? You would have had us face our people and tell them we had no morally simple solution, please sit back and watch each other be devoured by the monsters of the Final Days?!
[Hythlo's own voice slips from the monotone as well as he grinds his teeth, clenches his hands to the point of pain, digging the nails into his skin.]
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 02:51 pm (UTC)He shakes his head to clear the image away. He's still not here to get swept up in a moral debate, no matter how desperately Hythlo seems to want them.]
I don't know. I honestly don't know.
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Date: 2020-11-29 02:58 pm (UTC)...Neither do I. Truly I don't, Sagi. I do not know whether what we did was wrong or right or if there even was anything to be done that could be right! I just--I just wish it never happened in the first place...
[His voice breaks again as he tries to choke back his tears.]
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Date: 2020-11-29 03:14 pm (UTC)[Again, it's the kindest thing he can think of to say. Not for bringing it up, because he didn't, not this time. For every era in every world in every alternate dimension being cruel, he supposes.]
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Date: 2020-11-29 03:23 pm (UTC)[Hythlo takes a deep breath, seems to get himself under control after a few more moments. He slowly raises himself back up, gives Sagi a tired, sad look.]
...Thank you, Sagi. For saying you don't know. [He looks away again, still breathing deeply.] We none of us know whether it was right, and in so many ways it was not. But 'twas a choice made, and one that we must needs carry the burden of. Wrong or right, it was ours.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-29 03:38 pm (UTC)[He hadn't really been conscious of himself slouching, but now he sits up, drawing his clasped hands a little closer to his side of the table - to his heart, just incidentally.]
I hope you find your way again, too.
[It's not quite a prayer in the same way as the one at the gravestone, but that doesn't make it not one.]
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Date: 2020-11-29 03:52 pm (UTC)...Thank you, Sagi. I... want to find it too.
[He looks down still as he continues.]
I... envy your kind in a way. You are so much more used to pain and death. We are not. We... never knew how to deal with it. Mayhaps that was why... why we chose something like that.
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Date: 2020-11-29 07:46 pm (UTC)I don't know about that, either. Most people aren't. You either learn, or you never have to.
[In the corner of his mind, something wonders: what is his "kind" lately, anyway? He doesn't pay attention to it, since it isn't relevant.]
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Date: 2020-11-30 06:56 am (UTC)Nay, what I mean is... You are surrounded by it from your very birth. A child will oft see his grandparents pass well before his own prime. Disease, accidents, mere overwork... There is so much besides forceful death. You... are so much more cognizant of it. You have to be. And deep down you know from such young age that you, too, shall expire one day. You do not even know what might wait for you on the other side. You are all...
[He looks down at his lap, the sadness in his voice rivaling that in Joss's expression.]
...so alone.
[The words come out as almost a whisper, but rather than pity, they sound very much like a child being unable to force reality, puzzled and hurt and scared.]
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