[In his alley, Hythlo feels like he can't breathe: the strange pulsations feel like they beat in time with his heart, only on a much grander scale, throwing his internal rhythms into disarray. It's like his nerves short-circuit, no signals arriving properly anymore, and he just about has the time to wonder if he's waking up, going back to the burning Amaurot to claim his last seconds of consciousness before death.
And then, as suddenly as it came, the pressure disappears, leaving only a persistent ringing in Hythlo's ears. He falls to his knees, gasping for air, trying to blink the tears out of his eyes. He can't think of swearwords strong enough to express his reaction to all this, and he feels like he's about to throw up.
It's only his luck there wasn't anyone around for this, he thinks, standing up and wiping his mouth on a sleeve. Normally, he would worry about having made a mess on public property, but right now he could not give less of a shite. He needs a nap, or like ten.
He turns to unsteadily walk deeper into the alley, hoping to make a shortcut to the Center, one hand to the wall to support himself... and then stops, and blinks.
Again.
And again.
Then raises a hand to his face to take off his mask in disbelief, unsure if his eyes aren't playing tricks on him... but no, even with the mask off it's the same.
He turns his hand over in wonder, then raises his head to follow the faint silvery lines dancing in the air around him. It's weaker, so much weaker than what he's used to, but it's there and he has no idea how or why but it's there--
Laughter bubbles up within him, first quiet, then growing louder, until he runs out of breath and dissolves into half-hysterical giggling. This is becoming a running theme.
And luckily for Sagi, the Espurr stops screaming as suddenly as it started, turns away from the wall and directs its blank stare at Sagi again, somehow a lot more intense than before. It seems to be waiting for something... for all of five seconds before it leans back a bit and slams its head against Sagi's ankle, and looks up at him again, even more insistently despite its expression not changing. Possibly that was to get his attention? Who could tell.]
[Sagi unfolds again with a start. He doesn't fully realise the sound has stopped until the Espurr waddles over and headbutts him. But it has, leaving only the sounds of a bustling city and an echo in his head.
Wait, no. Another sound. Someone fairly nearby, someone no more than a street or two away, is laughing - or crying. A man? Without getting closer, he can't put a finger on it, but it feels like he should be able to. Now that he hears it, it might not be that far off from the direction the little cat was staring...
It's not unusual for animals to figure out that people need help before the people themselves, Sagi knows that. He exhales. He'd better take a look. If nothing else, he'd prefer this thing not to start screaming again.]
OK, you win. I'll see what I can do.
[He dusts himself off and glances from side to side. Over there, behind the Espurr, the alley turns a corner in roughly the right direction... That'll do. He'll just follow it around.]
[It seems like that was exactly what the Espurr was expecting: it gives a meep and turns around to bouncily waddle off into the alley, following Sagi.
It won't take the two of them too long to find the right place: even though the crying laughter has died down, Espurr seems to know where exactly to go... and leads Sagi into a narrower side passage where a familiar figure looms, seemingly staring at the sky, his back to the two of them. Be careful not to step into his sick, Sagi.]
[Ohh, nasty. At least Sagi spots the puddle before he can get too close, already primed to be cautious of whatever the Espurr was screaming about. Even after he recognises the figure from height alone, he's still wary enough to hang back at the alley corner. Call him still faintly shaken by that noise, call it yet another hunch - he isn't sure, and it isn't relevant.]
Hythlodaeus?
[He doesn't consciously drop the Mr, it's just a little harder to think of someone as authority after seeing him have a nervous breakdown and roll around in the mud. No, that wasn't the last time he ran into Hythlo, but it was the last time he saw Hythlo standing stock still in front of nothing the way he seems to be now.]
[He startles when he hears Sagi's voice and spins around--he looks happy and exhausted at the same time, those are rather obviously tears in his eyes, and he's not wearing his mask.]
Sagi!
[The latter fact seems to finally occur to him as his expression changes to embarrassment. He turns around quickly again, fiddles with the mask to get it back on in place, and turns back, a little flustered but still clearly happy.]
M-my apologies, I forgot I've... You won't believe what happened!
[He has a face under the mask! Incredible! ...Is that what he's so happy about? But then, what was the little cat creature trying to say? He doesn't see anyone nearby other than Hythlo.
Well, regardless of what it is, it does Sagi's heart good to see that he's in no obvious danger, nor doing anything... strange. His relief shows on his face as he steps out from the alley corner. Maybe the Espurr will follow him out.] Why, what happened?
[If Sagi had any actual criticism of Hythlo's fashion sense, this might have explained a lot, but he doesn't. He turns his head when he notices the Espurr isn't following along any more, though. It's possible that, like him, it doesn't want to step in anything untoward... He can't exactly ask it how long it was stuck in that dumpster, after all.]
Oh yeah, this little guy... [He beckons to it. It's just his 8 foot tall friend, no need to be shy.] It was acting like it overheard you earlier and thought you were crying. Everything's good now, right?
I could not see truly, master Sagi. But now... I can again...
[He trails off suddenly. Now that his high has worn off a bit, he has enough presence of mind to concentrate on what he's seeing now. The shimmering shapes and colours are much fainter, after all... but even if he doesn't have the previous clarity, not much of it is needed to see the shape in front of him.]
... Oh.
[The word is quiet, horrified, and Hythlo almost takes a step back, staring at Sagi as though he suddenly turned into a monster.
Espurr waddles up to the tall man, puts its little paw on his leg, as far as it can reach, stares up at him. Then turns around and stares at Sagi this time - not trying to draw his attention, but examining him, like he's some sort of strange, unfamiliar thing. Despite the fact that this is a small, ridiculous-looking catlike creature, the effect is nonetheless disconcerting.]
[All of a sudden, they're looking at him. At him, not through him. Sagi receives enough stares lately that he's certain of it. He still turns around to look behind him, for lack of any other clue, but there's nothing there except the deserted, narrow street he walked out of.
He may have been a little premature, assuming this wasn't another episode like the last one. Or not, if the cat creature is in on it. A prank? He'd believe any number of possibilities, really. They aren't more than a short walk away from the cemetery tower, and while this world seems to play by its own rules up until it doesn't, he gets a not entirely comfortable vibe off of that place.]
What is it?
[But until someone presents the options to him, he legitimately doesn't know.]
[Hythlo has always enjoyed his gift, but right now he finds himself desperately wishing he hadn't regained it. Sagi is... but a child, his friend, bright and good and caring, and that makes the sight all the more horrifying. Like hypnotized, he follows the unnaturally crushed, bent lines, here and there curving in on themselves so much they form holes like those burrowed by worms in an overripe apple; here and there, frazzled and frayed like worn fabric, pathetic strands with nowhere to connect, yet moving, straining, like a million tiny hands reaching out blindly to grab at something, anything to make them whole. And in the middle of it all...
Like meat on an amateur butcher's slab, he thinks, lightheaded; perhaps precision is intended in the dressing of the carcass, the separation of tissue from the bone, but the hand holding the knife is inexpert and the result is ugly, uneven, a superimposition of a dead thing and a living creature.
He finally forces himself to look away, grateful at the back of his mind that he'd already thrown up, and places a hand over his mouth, trying to control his breathing.]
... Who did this to you?
[Sagi can probably rule out "prank": he sounds crushed, like he's about to cry again.]
[The word comes out flatter than simple incredulity or confusion would, then sinks like the feeling in the pit of Sagi's stomach. Him. He knew it. If it wasn't obvious enough, the Espurr is still staring at him.
There's still a chance that stress or something else has gotten to Hythlodaeus, that he and the cat are somehow sharing the same horrifying vision but nothing is really there. He should... check. Out of concern.
He hazards another step forward, inches from the vomit.]
[Hythlodaeus opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again, looking like he doesn't know where to begin or what to say. He's never shared with Sagi what his gift was, and how could he explain it now, when he's still shaken and Sagi is obviously unsettled?
He looks away, still trying to breathe deeply. No, he doesn't have it in himself to try and think up an explanation right now. He's tired and shocked and he feels like curling up into a ball and falling asleep for several eons.]
[The reaction tracks. Sagi averts his eyes the other way, fixing them on the ground off to his side. No such luck, then.]
Oh.
[Again, it comes out a little flat. Fear doesn't come easily to Sagi, and even then it tends to be for other people. In all honesty, fear isn't the word for the feeling creeping up on him right now, either. Fear lives in the unknown, in the worst case scenarios. There's nothing horrible lurking inside of him that hasn't already happened.
It's more... Imagine if he'd had the power to just see something like that. Imagine if everyone did. He wouldn't be awkwardly standing here today, he knows that much.]
Actually, no. I don't think that's exactly what you saw.
[With ever-growing horror Hythlo remembers the conversation they had back in the woods. He'd simply thought Sagi's words strange back then, perhaps a more poetic way of talking about the death of a loved one, but with the misshapen sight before his eyes he realizes what Sagi actually meant back then.]
... The one who has known death.
[He also realizes that he can't bring himself to look up at the boy again, a fact that fills him with burning shame. He knows he should, he has to, for his friend's sake, but here and now he is too much of a coward to confront it again. He would have thought even a... "clean", willing merging of souls to be unusual and somewhat unsettling, but the alien, dead yet obscenely 'alive' core of Sagi's being is more than he can take.]
The one I talked about. I did start wondering if he was still there.
[He finds himself touching a hand to his heart. It's not like he believes that's going to cover up... whatever Hythlodaeus sees. It definitely can't shield him from the viscerally sharp realisation that Hythlo is looking away on purpose. Watching a reaction like that is worse than just knowing, somehow. How much of a mess can he be, the one functional fake from that whole project, that someone who remembers all the trauma of dying can't stand to even perceive him? Or does knowing what death is supposed to look like, having something natural to compare him to, make him look worse?
No, fear isn't even close to the right word for the emotion rising in him now. It's something a lot more familiar. He didn't ask to get metaphysically chopped up as a kid. He doesn't even get to share any of the vision that rattled Hythlo so badly. He doesn't deserve this.
He knows how to tamp this one down. For now, it only manifests as a crease in the corner of his small, weak smile.]
It's not pretty, is it. I'm sorry for... upsetting you again.
[Something about Sagi's voice and the fact that he's apologizing to Hythlo, as if it could ever have been his fault, makes Hythlo feel like something snaps inside of him. What in creation does he have to be afraid of or disgusted by, when Sagi has to bear the brunt of it? "Inconsiderate" does not do his behaviour justice, and it's as though the shame he feels boils over, becomes something else.
He slowly looks up at Sagi again, an expression of grief that changes into one of grim determination. He moves, suddenly, striding towards Sagi--a few steps for someone his height, really--and when he's close enough he sinks to one knee and pulls the boy into a hug.]
... 'Tis I who should be apologizing.
[His voice is shaking, but his hold is protective, almost desperate, as though he's trying to retroactively shield Sagi from whatever that had happened to him.]
[Whatever Sagi had expected, it wasn't that. He doesn't have the presence of mind to pull away, nor do anything except register that it's happening. He simply freezes up, the same way his anger freezes at the touch. Not gone, but crystallised. Numb. Back under control.]
You're -
["- fine." Hearing his own voice catch in his throat, he stops; he's not going to convince anyone that way, even though it's true.
His eyes sting a little. Hmm. It's been a pretty long while since he last cried. Probably not since he was still short enough for his mom to hold him like this.
Halfway through reaching up to rub his eyes, he changes his mind. He pats Hythlodaeus softly on the side of his giant shoulder instead.]
[Hythlo chuckles at the patting, bitterly, breathlessly. How ironic is it for Sagi to be trying to comfort him? And while it is true that he feels shaken enough, it's ridiculous to put the responsibility on a child. He's supposed to be the adult here.
He half-ruffles, half-strokes Sagi's hair lightly, instead, hoping that the touch will help somehow, tell Sagi that he doesn't... have to bear it alone, that he has nothing to apologize for. He tries to speak, again, but something twists in his mind, reminding him of the last time he had to watch the young souls rend and fade.]
It is... I simply... You don't deserve this, little one...
[Despite his best attempts, he can't quite hide the tears in his voice and the tension in his body.]
[Sagi breathes out in an almost-laugh. Little in the sense that Hythlo's shoulder is all he can really reach, yeah. He doesn't lower his hand yet.]
I'm alive. I have someone to go home to when all's said and done. [Unlike Hythlo, from how it sounded.] I can't say you aren't making me curious about what it looks like... but you don't have to tell me. I'm already lucky.
[He could curse his lot in life like the others, or he could choose to see it this way. It's a choice, every time.]
Hythlo freezes, the words leaving a terrifyingly hollow feeling inside him. How could Sagi possibly see it as luck? He's not certain if the boy means he's lucky because he's managing to have a semblance of a normal life despite it all... or because he managed to find something good in it. He did speak of the... remnant within him as a friend.
He draws back, slightly, still half-holding Sagi. The sight... is still terrifying in its way, but this time it's more like horror at the idea that someone would do this to another person--Hythlo can't think of anything that would make it happen naturally, as it were... And even if it could, he has seen how parasites eat into their host, and there is a sort of--life quality to that, morbid and horrifying though it be. But this... he can see someone or something's hand behind this, in the mismatched joining of two souls below the places where they managed to merge. The thought fills his insides with acid.
He takes another shaky breath and gives Sagi a kind of tired, weak smile - it's the least he can do for his friend.]
... Then you are much stronger than I am, Sagi. I... I apologize.
[He looks down for a moment, then at Sagi again, the smile replaced with an expression of much deeper exhaustion--and something darker.]
... 'Tis not the sight of you, but the thought that... that such a thing would be done. That someone--
[His breath shudders, grows shallower, sharper as he tries to control it. His hands on Sagi's shoulders tense again, like he's trying not to let them curl into fists.]
[When Hythlo draws back a little, Sagi finally does wipe his eyes with the side of his glove. It was mostly the... closeness that got to him, he figures. He hadn't been prepared for it.]
Yeah. People turned me into this. That's what made me believe you. [When he asked "who", not "how".] But they're dead now, all of them. They can't hurt anyone else.
[This time he places his hand on top of Hythlo's. He's beginning to look tired too - he can't really smile through describing the actual thing, no matter how detached from it he feels. His own shoulder is easier to reach, at least.
[Hythlo almost goes to say that he can't not get mad about it... but pauses. Now that he's had time to calm down somewhat, he comes to realize that Sagi has the right of it: Hythlo's anger would only be hypocritical, pretentious; this burden is not his to bear without Sagi's permission, and it's disrespectful, almost voyeuristic to make him into a grand victim to feel sorry for--and even worse, push onto him Hythlo's own guilt for his involvement in the creation of Zodiark.
Put like that, wow, he's really making a mess of things.
So Hythlo only nods silently, and after a few moments gently lets go of Sagi's shoulders to take his hand into both of his. He stays silent still, unsure of what he can even say or do - normally words come easily to him, but not in a situation like this. All he knows is that he wants to somehow convey... what exactly? His desire to support his friend, perhaps, to give him space in which he can feel comfortable with himself. To let him know there is no shame in pain and grief and anger.
At least tension has left him, and his manner changes from that of someone torn between fury and misery to something calmer, more thoughtful. After a short while he looks up at Sagi, nods again and lets go of his hand to pull him into another hug if the boy lets him. It's... gentle, this time, without the earlier tension and desperation, kinder.
A little too late it occurs to Hythlo that perhaps kindness was the word he was looking for. Kindness is what Sagi deserves.]
[Sagi feels compelled to lean into the hug this time. He's hesitant, unpractised - slow to incline his head and push his weight forward, loose and tentative when he tries to wrap both arms under Hythlo's own, and his ghostly wings around Hythlo's sides.
(His wings - proof, lately, that there's no place he can really belong anywhere, no matter how far he's made to travel. But proof, too, of a heart.)
He closes his eyes, forgetting the alley and the city and the sea. Despite his clear awkwardness, he'll stay like this as long as they need. A choice, every time.]
[There's something strangely comforting about being shielded by Sagi's wings. Hythlo still has no idea what they are, apart from the fact that, well, only Sagi has them, and there never seemed to be a good time to ask. Besides, he's more perceptive than it may appear, and it didn't quite escape him how Sagi's smile would become a little strained whenever he noticed people staring at the wings for too long. If Sagi tells him, let it be on his own terms.
Hythlo squeezes his younger friend lightly in response to his hesitation and awkwardness, hoping that it will help get across that it's fine to have a hug. There's no shame in showing you care about each other, either.
He stays like that a while, just breathing quietly, letting his mind deal with things in ways that are completely unseen to Hythlo himself. But he comes to a kind of peace, and can only hope that Sagi does as well.
When it feels like he's starting to wake up from this strange, slightly otherworldly state, Hythlo pulls away gently and smiles at the boy.]
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Date: 2020-10-09 06:33 am (UTC)And then, as suddenly as it came, the pressure disappears, leaving only a persistent ringing in Hythlo's ears. He falls to his knees, gasping for air, trying to blink the tears out of his eyes. He can't think of swearwords strong enough to express his reaction to all this, and he feels like he's about to throw up.
It's only his luck there wasn't anyone around for this, he thinks, standing up and wiping his mouth on a sleeve. Normally, he would worry about having made a mess on public property, but right now he could not give less of a shite. He needs a nap, or like ten.
He turns to unsteadily walk deeper into the alley, hoping to make a shortcut to the Center, one hand to the wall to support himself... and then stops, and blinks.
Again.
And again.
Then raises a hand to his face to take off his mask in disbelief, unsure if his eyes aren't playing tricks on him... but no, even with the mask off it's the same.
He turns his hand over in wonder, then raises his head to follow the faint silvery lines dancing in the air around him. It's weaker, so much weaker than what he's used to, but it's there and he has no idea how or why but it's there--
Laughter bubbles up within him, first quiet, then growing louder, until he runs out of breath and dissolves into half-hysterical giggling. This is becoming a running theme.
And luckily for Sagi, the Espurr stops screaming as suddenly as it started, turns away from the wall and directs its blank stare at Sagi again, somehow a lot more intense than before. It seems to be waiting for something... for all of five seconds before it leans back a bit and slams its head against Sagi's ankle, and looks up at him again, even more insistently despite its expression not changing. Possibly that was to get his attention? Who could tell.]
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Date: 2020-10-09 07:05 am (UTC)[Sagi unfolds again with a start. He doesn't fully realise the sound has stopped until the Espurr waddles over and headbutts him. But it has, leaving only the sounds of a bustling city and an echo in his head.
Wait, no. Another sound. Someone fairly nearby, someone no more than a street or two away, is laughing - or crying. A man? Without getting closer, he can't put a finger on it, but it feels like he should be able to. Now that he hears it, it might not be that far off from the direction the little cat was staring...
It's not unusual for animals to figure out that people need help before the people themselves, Sagi knows that. He exhales. He'd better take a look. If nothing else, he'd prefer this thing not to start screaming again.]
OK, you win. I'll see what I can do.
[He dusts himself off and glances from side to side. Over there, behind the Espurr, the alley turns a corner in roughly the right direction... That'll do. He'll just follow it around.]
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Date: 2020-10-09 08:02 am (UTC)It won't take the two of them too long to find the right place: even though the crying laughter has died down, Espurr seems to know where exactly to go... and leads Sagi into a narrower side passage where a familiar figure looms, seemingly staring at the sky, his back to the two of them. Be careful not to step into his sick, Sagi.]
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Date: 2020-10-09 08:19 am (UTC)Hythlodaeus?
[He doesn't consciously drop the Mr, it's just a little harder to think of someone as authority after seeing him have a nervous breakdown and roll around in the mud. No, that wasn't the last time he ran into Hythlo, but it was the last time he saw Hythlo standing stock still in front of nothing the way he seems to be now.]
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Date: 2020-10-09 11:18 am (UTC)Sagi!
[The latter fact seems to finally occur to him as his expression changes to embarrassment. He turns around quickly again, fiddles with the mask to get it back on in place, and turns back, a little flustered but still clearly happy.]
M-my apologies, I forgot I've... You won't believe what happened!
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Date: 2020-10-09 12:28 pm (UTC)Well, regardless of what it is, it does Sagi's heart good to see that he's in no obvious danger, nor doing anything... strange. His relief shows on his face as he steps out from the alley corner. Maybe the Espurr will follow him out.] Why, what happened?
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Date: 2020-10-09 12:55 pm (UTC)[... He's unreasonably excited about it, and that does not really answer Sagi's question. Perhaps it WAS about having a face under his mask.
Espurr, meanwhile, is still at the corner: not hiding, just staring at Hythlo with those round, big eyes. And staring.]
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Date: 2020-10-09 02:15 pm (UTC)[If Sagi had any actual criticism of Hythlo's fashion sense, this might have explained a lot, but he doesn't. He turns his head when he notices the Espurr isn't following along any more, though. It's possible that, like him, it doesn't want to step in anything untoward... He can't exactly ask it how long it was stuck in that dumpster, after all.]
Oh yeah, this little guy... [He beckons to it. It's just his 8 foot tall friend, no need to be shy.] It was acting like it overheard you earlier and thought you were crying. Everything's good now, right?
[Is he asking Hythlo or the cat? Yes.]
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Date: 2020-10-09 02:49 pm (UTC)I could not see truly, master Sagi. But now... I can again...
[He trails off suddenly. Now that his high has worn off a bit, he has enough presence of mind to concentrate on what he's seeing now. The shimmering shapes and colours are much fainter, after all... but even if he doesn't have the previous clarity, not much of it is needed to see the shape in front of him.]
... Oh.
[The word is quiet, horrified, and Hythlo almost takes a step back, staring at Sagi as though he suddenly turned into a monster.
Espurr waddles up to the tall man, puts its little paw on his leg, as far as it can reach, stares up at him. Then turns around and stares at Sagi this time - not trying to draw his attention, but examining him, like he's some sort of strange, unfamiliar thing. Despite the fact that this is a small, ridiculous-looking catlike creature, the effect is nonetheless disconcerting.]
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Date: 2020-10-09 03:12 pm (UTC)[All of a sudden, they're looking at him. At him, not through him. Sagi receives enough stares lately that he's certain of it. He still turns around to look behind him, for lack of any other clue, but there's nothing there except the deserted, narrow street he walked out of.
He may have been a little premature, assuming this wasn't another episode like the last one. Or not, if the cat creature is in on it. A prank? He'd believe any number of possibilities, really. They aren't more than a short walk away from the cemetery tower, and while this world seems to play by its own rules up until it doesn't, he gets a not entirely comfortable vibe off of that place.]
What is it?
[But until someone presents the options to him, he legitimately doesn't know.]
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Date: 2020-10-09 03:51 pm (UTC)Like meat on an amateur butcher's slab, he thinks, lightheaded; perhaps precision is intended in the dressing of the carcass, the separation of tissue from the bone, but the hand holding the knife is inexpert and the result is ugly, uneven, a superimposition of a dead thing and a living creature.
He finally forces himself to look away, grateful at the back of his mind that he'd already thrown up, and places a hand over his mouth, trying to control his breathing.]
... Who did this to you?
[Sagi can probably rule out "prank": he sounds crushed, like he's about to cry again.]
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Date: 2020-10-09 04:33 pm (UTC)[The word comes out flatter than simple incredulity or confusion would, then sinks like the feeling in the pit of Sagi's stomach. Him. He knew it. If it wasn't obvious enough, the Espurr is still staring at him.
There's still a chance that stress or something else has gotten to Hythlodaeus, that he and the cat are somehow sharing the same horrifying vision but nothing is really there. He should... check. Out of concern.
He hazards another step forward, inches from the vomit.]
What about me? What did you see?
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Date: 2020-10-09 04:48 pm (UTC)He looks away, still trying to breathe deeply. No, he doesn't have it in himself to try and think up an explanation right now. He's tired and shocked and he feels like curling up into a ball and falling asleep for several eons.]
... Your soul, Sagi.
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Date: 2020-10-09 05:27 pm (UTC)Oh.
[Again, it comes out a little flat. Fear doesn't come easily to Sagi, and even then it tends to be for other people. In all honesty, fear isn't the word for the feeling creeping up on him right now, either. Fear lives in the unknown, in the worst case scenarios. There's nothing horrible lurking inside of him that hasn't already happened.
It's more... Imagine if he'd had the power to just see something like that. Imagine if everyone did. He wouldn't be awkwardly standing here today, he knows that much.]
Actually, no. I don't think that's exactly what you saw.
[Deep breath. In, out.]
I think you saw my friend.
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Date: 2020-10-10 12:57 pm (UTC)[With ever-growing horror Hythlo remembers the conversation they had back in the woods. He'd simply thought Sagi's words strange back then, perhaps a more poetic way of talking about the death of a loved one, but with the misshapen sight before his eyes he realizes what Sagi actually meant back then.]
... The one who has known death.
[He also realizes that he can't bring himself to look up at the boy again, a fact that fills him with burning shame. He knows he should, he has to, for his friend's sake, but here and now he is too much of a coward to confront it again. He would have thought even a... "clean", willing merging of souls to be unusual and somewhat unsettling, but the alien, dead yet obscenely 'alive' core of Sagi's being is more than he can take.]
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Date: 2020-10-10 02:33 pm (UTC)[He finds himself touching a hand to his heart. It's not like he believes that's going to cover up... whatever Hythlodaeus sees. It definitely can't shield him from the viscerally sharp realisation that Hythlo is looking away on purpose. Watching a reaction like that is worse than just knowing, somehow. How much of a mess can he be, the one functional fake from that whole project, that someone who remembers all the trauma of dying can't stand to even perceive him? Or does knowing what death is supposed to look like, having something natural to compare him to, make him look worse?
No, fear isn't even close to the right word for the emotion rising in him now. It's something a lot more familiar. He didn't ask to get metaphysically chopped up as a kid. He doesn't even get to share any of the vision that rattled Hythlo so badly. He doesn't deserve this.
He knows how to tamp this one down. For now, it only manifests as a crease in the corner of his small, weak smile.]
It's not pretty, is it. I'm sorry for... upsetting you again.
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Date: 2020-10-10 02:54 pm (UTC)He slowly looks up at Sagi again, an expression of grief that changes into one of grim determination. He moves, suddenly, striding towards Sagi--a few steps for someone his height, really--and when he's close enough he sinks to one knee and pulls the boy into a hug.]
... 'Tis I who should be apologizing.
[His voice is shaking, but his hold is protective, almost desperate, as though he's trying to retroactively shield Sagi from whatever that had happened to him.]
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Date: 2020-10-10 08:22 pm (UTC)You're -
["- fine." Hearing his own voice catch in his throat, he stops; he's not going to convince anyone that way, even though it's true.
His eyes sting a little. Hmm. It's been a pretty long while since he last cried. Probably not since he was still short enough for his mom to hold him like this.
Halfway through reaching up to rub his eyes, he changes his mind. He pats Hythlodaeus softly on the side of his giant shoulder instead.]
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Date: 2020-10-11 06:21 am (UTC)He half-ruffles, half-strokes Sagi's hair lightly, instead, hoping that the touch will help somehow, tell Sagi that he doesn't... have to bear it alone, that he has nothing to apologize for. He tries to speak, again, but something twists in his mind, reminding him of the last time he had to watch the young souls rend and fade.]
It is... I simply... You don't deserve this, little one...
[Despite his best attempts, he can't quite hide the tears in his voice and the tension in his body.]
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Date: 2020-10-11 07:30 am (UTC)I'm alive. I have someone to go home to when all's said and done. [Unlike Hythlo, from how it sounded.] I can't say you aren't making me curious about what it looks like... but you don't have to tell me. I'm already lucky.
[He could curse his lot in life like the others, or he could choose to see it this way. It's a choice, every time.]
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Date: 2020-10-11 08:01 am (UTC)Hythlo freezes, the words leaving a terrifyingly hollow feeling inside him. How could Sagi possibly see it as luck? He's not certain if the boy means he's lucky because he's managing to have a semblance of a normal life despite it all... or because he managed to find something good in it. He did speak of the... remnant within him as a friend.
He draws back, slightly, still half-holding Sagi. The sight... is still terrifying in its way, but this time it's more like horror at the idea that someone would do this to another person--Hythlo can't think of anything that would make it happen naturally, as it were... And even if it could, he has seen how parasites eat into their host, and there is a sort of--life quality to that, morbid and horrifying though it be. But this... he can see someone or something's hand behind this, in the mismatched joining of two souls below the places where they managed to merge. The thought fills his insides with acid.
He takes another shaky breath and gives Sagi a kind of tired, weak smile - it's the least he can do for his friend.]
... Then you are much stronger than I am, Sagi. I... I apologize.
[He looks down for a moment, then at Sagi again, the smile replaced with an expression of much deeper exhaustion--and something darker.]
... 'Tis not the sight of you, but the thought that... that such a thing would be done. That someone--
[His breath shudders, grows shallower, sharper as he tries to control it. His hands on Sagi's shoulders tense again, like he's trying not to let them curl into fists.]
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Date: 2020-10-11 08:54 am (UTC)Yeah. People turned me into this. That's what made me believe you. [When he asked "who", not "how".] But they're dead now, all of them. They can't hurt anyone else.
[This time he places his hand on top of Hythlo's. He's beginning to look tired too - he can't really smile through describing the actual thing, no matter how detached from it he feels. His own shoulder is easier to reach, at least.
(A normal, human shoulder.)]
So just... don't get angry on my behalf. Please.
me, typing this: hythlo you dumbfuck you did literally the opposite of these things
Date: 2020-10-11 09:55 am (UTC)Put like that, wow, he's really making a mess of things.
So Hythlo only nods silently, and after a few moments gently lets go of Sagi's shoulders to take his hand into both of his. He stays silent still, unsure of what he can even say or do - normally words come easily to him, but not in a situation like this. All he knows is that he wants to somehow convey... what exactly? His desire to support his friend, perhaps, to give him space in which he can feel comfortable with himself. To let him know there is no shame in pain and grief and anger.
At least tension has left him, and his manner changes from that of someone torn between fury and misery to something calmer, more thoughtful. After a short while he looks up at Sagi, nods again and lets go of his hand to pull him into another hug if the boy lets him. It's... gentle, this time, without the earlier tension and desperation, kinder.
A little too late it occurs to Hythlo that perhaps kindness was the word he was looking for. Kindness is what Sagi deserves.]
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Date: 2020-10-11 11:05 am (UTC)(His wings - proof, lately, that there's no place he can really belong anywhere, no matter how far he's made to travel. But proof, too, of a heart.)
He closes his eyes, forgetting the alley and the city and the sea. Despite his clear awkwardness, he'll stay like this as long as they need. A choice, every time.]
bird hugs, which are for birds
Date: 2020-10-11 02:06 pm (UTC)Hythlo squeezes his younger friend lightly in response to his hesitation and awkwardness, hoping that it will help get across that it's fine to have a hug. There's no shame in showing you care about each other, either.
He stays like that a while, just breathing quietly, letting his mind deal with things in ways that are completely unseen to Hythlo himself. But he comes to a kind of peace, and can only hope that Sagi does as well.
When it feels like he's starting to wake up from this strange, slightly otherworldly state, Hythlo pulls away gently and smiles at the boy.]
... Thank you.
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