[You are greeted with the sound of randomly disrupted static, at the end of which three melodic beeping signals are heard. Yep, that's your cue to leave a message!]
Even I do not welcome violence. Would I the choice, I would partake in none of it. Neither does Cosmo. It may seem an odd phrase, but we are proud that we can accomplish what we set out to do, but neither of us relish the harm that comes of it.
Thus I wonder if your question truly would be 'is it better if I were accustomed to killing and violence'?
Levity clenches his fists, knuckles white with the effort of it.]
... well, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it be better for everyone?
[Of course, a thing to consider is that in this state there is no way Levity is going to get himself accustomed to murderviolence in any way that is not terribly traumatic.]
The answer to that I still believe is no, but it has two parts.
If you return home, you will have no need of it. Not in that utopian place. For here and other star, would it make it easier? Perhaps. But is that truly you? I have no doubts you can still find your true self and navigate the hardships thrown at you. It will not be easy.
But now I wonder of the original question. The way it was phrased. You fear becoming what I am, don't you? Or at least what you mind perceives me to be. Because it feels so unnatural to who you are at your core. And I say this not to blame or judge you, but it does explain why our relationship has no lack of strain.
[He freezes in place, and the fear is obvious on his features. He never did analyze it quite that far, or perhaps he's simply been afraid to - because thinking about it and admitting it would mean that he does fear what Cosmo and Alexander are, what they've become. And he never wanted that.
At the same time, where's the way out? There's no denying the difference between them, and no denying the fact that it leaves Levity feeling alone and frightened.
He closes his eyes, in part to stave off the anxious dizziness he's feeling, in part to avoid seeing how Emet might react.]
I-- It feels like what I lack, compared to you and Cosmo and everyone else. And that's why I feel like I don't fit in. So is it not logical that I should... try to change that about myself?
[He runs a hand through his hair as calming and gentle as he can be.]
Is it truly everyone else? Do you feel so inadequate next to Lily to whom you share so many traits with? Your unitmates. Your friends on other units.
You will not get to the heart of this without acknowledging what is it. Hiding from it will not change reality. I want you to heal, my friend, and you won't be able to unless you understand where this fear comes from.
[He bites at his lip, tears starting to well up again. Well, so much for trying to keep his emotional turmoil a secret. Who could have predicted that he would be bad at lying.]
Hades...
[It's the first time he uses the name today, too. He raises a shaky hand, holding onto Emet's arm - but more like onto a lifeline rather than trying to stop him.]
Of--of course I don't want that. And I don't want that for you, either! Do you know how it feels to see you, of all people, acting dismissive of others' suffering?! But I can't just undo that for you, and half the time I don't even know if you're being sincere with it or merely acting, and--
[He stops, gulping air as more bitter tears well up, and wipes at his face with his free hand angrily.]
[He pulls him into his lap fully maneuvering around the grip and the fact that Levity is much taller. And once he has him there, he holds him close trying to provide a sense of comfort.]
I cannot save everyone, myself included. Yes, yes, I do put on the air that I could, but 'tis simply not the reality nor the answer you want to hear. And thus I must select or risk losing everything. And if I did care, if I was not submissive, or thought about it too deeply, I simply would not survive it.
But you do not need to be this way. You will need to find your own way to cope, but know that I will be here for you no matter what you choose.
[Levity pauses in shock and surprise... and then wraps his arms around Emet in return, squeezing tightly, protectively. His head still spins and the tears still come, but this time it's relief rather than despair.]
Hades, you godsdamned fool... I was starting to believe your acting! I thought you really had changed so much! I didn't even know what you might want with me anymore, I just felt like a weakling next to you, I--
[His voice breaks for a moment, his mind flooded with relief and emotion. Once again he thinks back to what Lily said: the difference between adapting in order to survive and destroying oneself.]
[He continues to hold him, rubbing his back lightly.]
I have changed. Just as you can never truly be 'Hythlodeaus', I can never be 'Hades'. And for a long time, that is all I wanted to be. And I held onto it with a white knuckled grip as if nothing could replace it would I lose it.
But I was wrong.
We grow. We learn. We change. Our Amaurot is beautiful, but its aspiration to push boundaries, to become more than it was... that was its true beauty. And the same goes for all those who dwell within it.
He holds onto him silently for a little while more, overwhelmed with everything he has to process... and then shakes his head, burrowing deeper into the hug.]
... No. You are Hades. You've changed, but... you're still you. You're not someone else.
[He breathes out shakily, finally starting to relax.]
I'm so glad...
[Taking another breath, he finally pulls back a little, wiping at his eyes.]
I could see the Hades from my memories in you, and sometimes it felt like everything was the same as it had been back then... But then you would act so differently, cold and calculating, and I could no longer tell what was or was not real. Even as my memories came back, they did not seem to match the reality, and it was terrifying to realize that regaining them would not make a difference for us. And you said that you would mislead or hide things from me, so I... I had no idea how to reconcile those different sides of you in my mind. But I think... I can now.
[There is so much conflict on his face. And the gut reaction is to agree. Tell Levity he is correct and leave it at that. It gives him such comfort, this conclusion he has come to. Why break that bubble?
But be vulnerable they said.]
Hythlodeaus... I do not wish to give you false hope or expectations. When I look upon your memories, when I look upon my memories, I see a person long gone. One to be remembered fondly.
I can be cold. I can be calculating. Countless times I have rationed death, turned nations against each other. Just because I do not revel in it, does not mean I will not use these skills if necessary. I will commit acts you find unsavory.
But just as I have changed up until this point, I will continue to grow from this point onward. Shackling myself to what I was will never end well.
[He pulls back a little more, expression more determined.]
... I know. But your skills are not what you are. That's what makes the difference. I had thought that you have become those things you learned to act as, and that's why I couldn't... understand anything, nor figure out what I'm supposed to do.
[He shakes his head, this time with a somewhat wry smile.]
I think... It's the same trap I fell into with Absinthe. But just as... that part of him is only a part, and I don't think he is cruel by nature, merely shaped to be so by what he had to endure... I think it is the same for you. So--even if you have changed, and changed greatly, you are still Hades.
I imagine it is similar to why you don't consider yourself a changed version of Hythlodeaus. Dramatic events have changed us both. Your past has influenced you, but it is much more than that.
[There's a few moment of thoughtful silence from him, and then he answers.]
... I do, in fact. Slowly, I have been coming to think of myself more as Hythlodaeus.
[He sighs, as though he's about to admit something shameful.]
In the past week or so... I've taken to rewatching my memories. I do not feel brave enough to take new ones, and I could not stand being in the present for long... so I tried to lose myself in the past. It only made me feel all the more lonely and miserable, but there was something else that eventually came to me.
Right now, I may not be Hythlodaeus as he was back then... But he, too, did not stay unchanging forever. My friendship with you - with 'Hades' - changed me, even back then. As did becoming close with Azem. And I thought once again about what I told Cosmo soon after my arrival - that 'Levity' is simply Hythlodaeus without his memories. And about how you told me that I tried to become 'Hythlodaeus' too quickly, like he was a state for me to achieve. And after talking to Lily and Serenity and others... I came to realize that I am not a different version of Hythlodaeus. I am him and he is me.
[Except, well, he is a different version, but he'll metaphorically cross that bridge when he gets to it. Finding a way to stabilize his identity is hard enough already without adding nuance to it.]
... So that's why I say that you, too, are Hades. You are not how you were all those years ago, that is true. But at the same time... The man who became Emet-Selch instead of me was also not the boy I played with when we were children. But they were both Hades to me. And so you are, too.
[He is very proud. So proud in fact that he kisses the top of his head.]
I'm glad. That you found your answer. Had others to listen to. Listened to yourself. I only hope it come easier from here on out as you continue to discover yourself.
Levity smiles though, inclining his head into the kiss.]
I hope so too. But... if we did not speak today like this, I don't think I would have allowed myself to realize it. So... thank you. I feel like I can finally be with you again... my old friend.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
weenwoon
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-19 11:04 am (UTC)... Can I ask you something?
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-19 11:07 am (UTC)[He nods.]
Go ahead.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-19 11:12 am (UTC)Would it... would it not be better for you and Cosmo if-- if I could welcome things like killing and violence? If I was more...
[... mortal.]
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-19 11:21 am (UTC)Even I do not welcome violence. Would I the choice, I would partake in none of it. Neither does Cosmo. It may seem an odd phrase, but we are proud that we can accomplish what we set out to do, but neither of us relish the harm that comes of it.
Thus I wonder if your question truly would be 'is it better if I were accustomed to killing and violence'?
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-19 11:25 am (UTC)Levity clenches his fists, knuckles white with the effort of it.]
... well, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it be better for everyone?
[Of course, a thing to consider is that in this state there is no way Levity is going to get himself accustomed to murderviolence in any way that is not terribly traumatic.]
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-19 11:32 am (UTC)If you return home, you will have no need of it. Not in that utopian place. For here and other star, would it make it easier? Perhaps. But is that truly you? I have no doubts you can still find your true self and navigate the hardships thrown at you. It will not be easy.
But now I wonder of the original question. The way it was phrased. You fear becoming what I am, don't you? Or at least what you mind perceives me to be. Because it feels so unnatural to who you are at your core. And I say this not to blame or judge you, but it does explain why our relationship has no lack of strain.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-19 11:52 am (UTC)At the same time, where's the way out? There's no denying the difference between them, and no denying the fact that it leaves Levity feeling alone and frightened.
He closes his eyes, in part to stave off the anxious dizziness he's feeling, in part to avoid seeing how Emet might react.]
I-- It feels like what I lack, compared to you and Cosmo and everyone else. And that's why I feel like I don't fit in. So is it not logical that I should... try to change that about myself?
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-19 11:57 am (UTC)Is it truly everyone else? Do you feel so inadequate next to Lily to whom you share so many traits with? Your unitmates. Your friends on other units.
You will not get to the heart of this without acknowledging what is it. Hiding from it will not change reality. I want you to heal, my friend, and you won't be able to unless you understand where this fear comes from.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-19 12:10 pm (UTC)Hades...
[It's the first time he uses the name today, too. He raises a shaky hand, holding onto Emet's arm - but more like onto a lifeline rather than trying to stop him.]
Of--of course I don't want that. And I don't want that for you, either! Do you know how it feels to see you, of all people, acting dismissive of others' suffering?! But I can't just undo that for you, and half the time I don't even know if you're being sincere with it or merely acting, and--
[He stops, gulping air as more bitter tears well up, and wipes at his face with his free hand angrily.]
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-19 08:40 pm (UTC)I cannot save everyone, myself included. Yes, yes, I do put on the air that I could, but 'tis simply not the reality nor the answer you want to hear. And thus I must select or risk losing everything. And if I did care, if I was not submissive, or thought about it too deeply, I simply would not survive it.
But you do not need to be this way. You will need to find your own way to cope, but know that I will be here for you no matter what you choose.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-20 12:28 am (UTC)Hades, you godsdamned fool... I was starting to believe your acting! I thought you really had changed so much! I didn't even know what you might want with me anymore, I just felt like a weakling next to you, I--
[His voice breaks for a moment, his mind flooded with relief and emotion. Once again he thinks back to what Lily said: the difference between adapting in order to survive and destroying oneself.]
... I thought I'd lost you, too.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-20 06:30 am (UTC)I have changed. Just as you can never truly be 'Hythlodeaus', I can never be 'Hades'. And for a long time, that is all I wanted to be. And I held onto it with a white knuckled grip as if nothing could replace it would I lose it.
But I was wrong.
We grow. We learn. We change. Our Amaurot is beautiful, but its aspiration to push boundaries, to become more than it was... that was its true beauty. And the same goes for all those who dwell within it.
[Maybe a little character growth!]
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-20 06:55 am (UTC)He holds onto him silently for a little while more, overwhelmed with everything he has to process... and then shakes his head, burrowing deeper into the hug.]
... No. You are Hades. You've changed, but... you're still you. You're not someone else.
[He breathes out shakily, finally starting to relax.]
I'm so glad...
[Taking another breath, he finally pulls back a little, wiping at his eyes.]
I could see the Hades from my memories in you, and sometimes it felt like everything was the same as it had been back then... But then you would act so differently, cold and calculating, and I could no longer tell what was or was not real. Even as my memories came back, they did not seem to match the reality, and it was terrifying to realize that regaining them would not make a difference for us. And you said that you would mislead or hide things from me, so I... I had no idea how to reconcile those different sides of you in my mind. But I think... I can now.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-20 08:15 am (UTC)But be vulnerable they said.]
Hythlodeaus... I do not wish to give you false hope or expectations. When I look upon your memories, when I look upon my memories, I see a person long gone. One to be remembered fondly.
I can be cold. I can be calculating. Countless times I have rationed death, turned nations against each other. Just because I do not revel in it, does not mean I will not use these skills if necessary. I will commit acts you find unsavory.
But just as I have changed up until this point, I will continue to grow from this point onward. Shackling myself to what I was will never end well.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-20 08:36 am (UTC)... I know. But your skills are not what you are. That's what makes the difference. I had thought that you have become those things you learned to act as, and that's why I couldn't... understand anything, nor figure out what I'm supposed to do.
[He shakes his head, this time with a somewhat wry smile.]
I think... It's the same trap I fell into with Absinthe. But just as... that part of him is only a part, and I don't think he is cruel by nature, merely shaped to be so by what he had to endure... I think it is the same for you. So--even if you have changed, and changed greatly, you are still Hades.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-20 05:07 pm (UTC)Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-20 05:12 pm (UTC)Why do you think you are not?
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-21 07:04 am (UTC)Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-21 07:26 am (UTC)... I do, in fact. Slowly, I have been coming to think of myself more as Hythlodaeus.
[He sighs, as though he's about to admit something shameful.]
In the past week or so... I've taken to rewatching my memories. I do not feel brave enough to take new ones, and I could not stand being in the present for long... so I tried to lose myself in the past. It only made me feel all the more lonely and miserable, but there was something else that eventually came to me.
Right now, I may not be Hythlodaeus as he was back then... But he, too, did not stay unchanging forever. My friendship with you - with 'Hades' - changed me, even back then. As did becoming close with Azem. And I thought once again about what I told Cosmo soon after my arrival - that 'Levity' is simply Hythlodaeus without his memories. And about how you told me that I tried to become 'Hythlodaeus' too quickly, like he was a state for me to achieve. And after talking to Lily and Serenity and others... I came to realize that I am not a different version of Hythlodaeus. I am him and he is me.
[Except, well, he is a different version, but he'll metaphorically cross that bridge when he gets to it. Finding a way to stabilize his identity is hard enough already without adding nuance to it.]
... So that's why I say that you, too, are Hades. You are not how you were all those years ago, that is true. But at the same time... The man who became Emet-Selch instead of me was also not the boy I played with when we were children. But they were both Hades to me. And so you are, too.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-21 07:40 am (UTC)[He listens, slowly and carefully, taking time to mull over the words before he speaks.]
And you have found comfort in that?
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-21 07:47 am (UTC)I have. Everything... makes a lot more sense like that.
[he's coping! aren't you proud of him!]
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-21 07:56 am (UTC)I'm glad. That you found your answer. Had others to listen to. Listened to yourself. I only hope it come easier from here on out as you continue to discover yourself.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-21 08:03 am (UTC)Levity smiles though, inclining his head into the kiss.]
I hope so too. But... if we did not speak today like this, I don't think I would have allowed myself to realize it. So... thank you. I feel like I can finally be with you again... my old friend.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-23 04:43 am (UTC)Give yourself some time, Levity. You need not solve the world's problems in a day.
Re: Day 401
Date: 2021-09-23 05:01 am (UTC)[...]
But to solve any of them, I need to solve a problem a day, perhaps. But there are so many of them I never know where to start.
[He closes his eyes, resting his head against Emet's shoulder.]
I missed you.
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