[You are greeted with the sound of randomly disrupted static, at the end of which three melodic beeping signals are heard. Yep, that's your cue to leave a message!]
SUPERNOVA: I’ve never really been good at hiding things anyway. SUPERNOVA: Things are okay for right now, but… SUPERNOVA: It’s probably still something you should know. SUPERNOVA: Something you’d want to know. SUPERNOVA: We can talk about it when you get here. SUPERNOVA: Come to the private lounge. I have the drinks covered, so just bring yourself.
[He looks a little relieved at that - given her messages and knowing Serenity it might well have been "I am now going to sacrifice myself for the rest of imeeji to be free".]
there is SO much to unpack in that single sentence. Normally, he'd worry about anyone hurting Lily, but he knows Serenity isn't that kind of person at all. Eventually, he settles on a question:]
She... told me that the person I love isn't real. That I was just wasting my time.
[Serenity sets down her drink and folds her hands together. When her hands shake, she just squeezes tighter; nails leaving indents in her skin.]
I just... got so mad.
I knew she'd been acting strange towards me for a while. But... I didn't realize it went that deep. Once she listened to me she... told me that she doesn't know who she is anymore. That she can't even look at herself in the mirror because it makes her feel sick to her stomach. She felt like people were looking at someone else, and it was eating away at her... because she felt like she was lying to them.
[... He wraps an arm around her shoulders, guiding her to rest against him.]
Oh, Lily...
[His voice is quiet but pained - it's not as though he hasn't noticed she's been acting differently, too, but at least she never went as far as actually telling him that she is not real. Then again, it's not like he's unaware of her feelings of self-inadequacy, one way or another.]
... I'm so sorry, Renny. She was telling me just yesterday, too, that I have worth and value and that it's alright for people to change, but she never... never really applies the same things to herself...
[Serenity leans against him, sniffling; but quickly wiping her tears on the back of her hands.]
It’s okay. […] I mean yeah, of course I was upset, but… she’s the one who’s really hurting.
But it also made me feel… like maybe I failed her, too. Like I didn’t do enough. I want her to know that we all love her just the way she is—- all the complex parts of her. That we’d never abandon her…
... I know. I... felt the same once, after a game... because she kept saying it was fine if she got hurt, and that I don't need to worry about her... and I felt so helpless. Like I couldn't get through to her no matter what... And whether I did or didn't do something she would still be hurting.
[He kisses the top of Serenity's head, holding her closer.]
... But you did not fail her. I promise. I think that... the only people who failed her were her creators. Who did not treat her like a human being, who--
[He clenches his jaw, trying to swallow down the bile. He hasn't seen many of Lily's memories, but even what little he's seen is enough.]
... Every time I feel like I am not enough for her I... I try to remember that. And I ask myself if I could ever treat her the way they did. And if I know that I could not... then I know that I can't let myself get lost in feeling like I'm not enough.
[Serenity takes his hand and holds it between her own. Whatever chill lingered from her drink quickly melts away.]
…you’re right.
She told me that she couldn’t possibly ask for my help because she’s put me through enough already but I simply told her that it doesn’t matter because she doesn’t have to ask. And I know you and the others would feel the same.
That’s why I wanted you to know. I’m sure it will take time to heal but I have to believe that together we can get through to her.
She's done so much for me. A lot of the confidence I have today is thanks to her. I would do anything to help do the same for her. She deserves to be able to see it for herself and know the truth.
Right? I owe so much to her, too. She's been there for me through everything that's happened to me since I arrived. And... some things I would have dealt with so much worse if not for her.
[He sighs, taking a sip of the drink.]
Glory once said that both me and Lily are the kind of person who is better at thinking about others than about ourselves. Though... I think you are like that too, Renny.
.....Yeaaah, you're not the first person to tell me that.
[She stopped counting after the second time.
She takes one hand back to grab her drink, continuing to hold his hand with the other.]
...she was the person who told me that it was okay to live... even if that meant hurting others. Even if I couldn't do anything. Back when I was ashamed of living, she stayed by my side and supported me.
So this... this is the least I can do for her. I don't think it's really possibly to repay her for everything she's done-- but I'd gladly spend my whole life trying.
[mmmm love that survivor's guilt! love having it also!
He holds her closer, closing his eyes.]
... She was right. You shouldn't be ashamed of living. None... none of us should be.
And I don't know if these things are something we should repay. I think it's better to think of it as giving back, perhaps. Sharing the happiness she helped us find.
[Actually what if she just sits in his lap? Because then she can lean into him and feel his heartbeat.]
...you're right. It's something that was given freely-- and that we give back freely, no matter what. So that's not really the right word. Sharing is much better.
I'd like to work on her self image a little, for starters. It makes me sad that someone so beautiful doesn't see that.
...and yeah, I know how that sounds, coming from me of all people. But it means extra to me, because she was always there, fighting my insecurities.
[She hums, thinking for a long moment.]
Maybe... something like a photo album? Something we could fill together with pictures of special memories together with her in it.
I know that... despite how she's feeling about herself right now, she's still really grateful for those times. So maybe that would be a nice way to show her.
[He laughs a little at the mention of Serenity's issues because, yeah, her of all people saying that is both a little ironic and sweet. KISSES THE TOP OF HER HEAD, GF CUTE]
That's a wonderful idea, Renny! I'm sure she would love it, and... I think it would be a good reminder of the fact we do love her. Because those times were important to us, too.
[Thinks for a moment, too...]
Ah... Crow has told me you used to be in a band together. Perhaps we could write Lily a song, too?
Exactly! It's something she could keep... for when she needs those reminders.
[When he brings up the band, that surprises her a little, making her blush.]
O-oh. That's right. I don't think you were here for the concert we put on here. It's a little embarrassing you heard about that.
[ESPECIALLY FROM THAT DUMB BIRD!! gosh]
But if it's instrumentals and that, you'd have to ask him-- I've only ever done lyrics and vocal. A song... would be really nice though. I know she loves music.
Re: day 402
Date: 2021-09-17 07:48 am (UTC)SUPERNOVA: Things are okay for right now, but…
SUPERNOVA: It’s probably still something you should know.
SUPERNOVA: Something you’d want to know.
SUPERNOVA: We can talk about it when you get here.
SUPERNOVA: Come to the private lounge. I have the drinks covered, so just bring yourself.
Re: day 402
Date: 2021-09-19 06:17 am (UTC)Accomplice: I'll be there soon.
Accomplice: ... Stay safe, okay?
[HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON BUT!! he's! worried!
But he'll show up in a bit, texting her ahead of time to let her know.]
Accomplice: I'm here.
Re: day 402
Date: 2021-09-19 06:27 am (UTC)[She is in fact fine and safe!!! Just also seated at the bar with a drink already started.]
Re: day 402
Date: 2021-09-19 06:45 am (UTC)Hey, Renny. What happened?
Re: day 402
Date: 2021-09-19 07:09 am (UTC)Look she’d probably give him SOME notice before she did that.]
Hey Letty.
[He’s getting a kiss first. Before things have to be Serious.]
I… had a talk with Lily earlier. We kiiinda fought. Or, I guess I did anyway. I got through to her but—- I’m still pretty worried about her.
Re: day 402
Date: 2021-09-19 08:01 am (UTC)He kisses back happily, but his expression quickly grows concerned at the news. He... can guess what Serenity might be worried about.]
... By fought you mean?..
Re: day 402
Date: 2021-09-19 03:24 pm (UTC)I... punched her. Twice.
Re: day 402
Date: 2021-09-20 02:05 am (UTC)there is SO much to unpack in that single sentence. Normally, he'd worry about anyone hurting Lily, but he knows Serenity isn't that kind of person at all. Eventually, he settles on a question:]
... what was she doing?
Re: day 402
Date: 2021-09-20 02:16 am (UTC)[Serenity sets down her drink and folds her hands together. When her hands shake, she just squeezes tighter; nails leaving indents in her skin.]
I just... got so mad.
I knew she'd been acting strange towards me for a while. But... I didn't realize it went that deep. Once she listened to me she... told me that she doesn't know who she is anymore. That she can't even look at herself in the mirror because it makes her feel sick to her stomach. She felt like people were looking at someone else, and it was eating away at her... because she felt like she was lying to them.
oh i did not hit send.
Date: 2021-09-20 07:50 am (UTC)Oh, Lily...
[His voice is quiet but pained - it's not as though he hasn't noticed she's been acting differently, too, but at least she never went as far as actually telling him that she is not real. Then again, it's not like he's unaware of her feelings of self-inadequacy, one way or another.]
... I'm so sorry, Renny. She was telling me just yesterday, too, that I have worth and value and that it's alright for people to change, but she never... never really applies the same things to herself...
Re: oh i did not hit send.
Date: 2021-09-20 08:24 am (UTC)It’s okay. […] I mean yeah, of course I was upset, but… she’s the one who’s really hurting.
But it also made me feel… like maybe I failed her, too. Like I didn’t do enough. I want her to know that we all love her just the way she is—- all the complex parts of her. That we’d never abandon her…
Re: oh i did not hit send.
Date: 2021-09-20 08:45 am (UTC)[He kisses the top of Serenity's head, holding her closer.]
... But you did not fail her. I promise. I think that... the only people who failed her were her creators. Who did not treat her like a human being, who--
[He clenches his jaw, trying to swallow down the bile. He hasn't seen many of Lily's memories, but even what little he's seen is enough.]
... Every time I feel like I am not enough for her I... I try to remember that. And I ask myself if I could ever treat her the way they did. And if I know that I could not... then I know that I can't let myself get lost in feeling like I'm not enough.
Re: oh i did not hit send.
Date: 2021-09-20 03:26 pm (UTC)…you’re right.
She told me that she couldn’t possibly ask for my help because she’s put me through enough already but I simply told her that it doesn’t matter because she doesn’t have to ask. And I know you and the others would feel the same.
That’s why I wanted you to know. I’m sure it will take time to heal but I have to believe that together we can get through to her.
Re: oh i did not hit send.
Date: 2021-09-20 04:53 pm (UTC)[He reaches for a drink with his free hand.]
I... can't bear the thought of giving up on her. I just... wish she could love herself more. So that she could see how much we love her.
Re: oh i did not hit send.
Date: 2021-09-20 05:27 pm (UTC)She's done so much for me. A lot of the confidence I have today is thanks to her. I would do anything to help do the same for her. She deserves to be able to see it for herself and know the truth.
Re: oh i did not hit send.
Date: 2021-09-20 05:42 pm (UTC)[He sighs, taking a sip of the drink.]
Glory once said that both me and Lily are the kind of person who is better at thinking about others than about ourselves. Though... I think you are like that too, Renny.
cw for mentions of survivor's guilt and suicidal ideation and the likes...
Date: 2021-09-20 05:53 pm (UTC)[She stopped counting after the second time.
She takes one hand back to grab her drink, continuing to hold his hand with the other.]
...she was the person who told me that it was okay to live... even if that meant hurting others. Even if I couldn't do anything. Back when I was ashamed of living, she stayed by my side and supported me.
So this... this is the least I can do for her. I don't think it's really possibly to repay her for everything she's done-- but I'd gladly spend my whole life trying.
Re: cw for mentions of survivor's guilt and suicidal ideation and the likes...
Date: 2021-09-21 03:39 am (UTC)He holds her closer, closing his eyes.]
... She was right. You shouldn't be ashamed of living. None... none of us should be.
And I don't know if these things are something we should repay. I think it's better to think of it as giving back, perhaps. Sharing the happiness she helped us find.
Re: cw for mentions of survivor's guilt and suicidal ideation and the likes...
Date: 2021-09-21 04:08 am (UTC)...you're right. It's something that was given freely-- and that we give back freely, no matter what. So that's not really the right word. Sharing is much better.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-21 05:32 am (UTC)Yes. And I want to keep sharing it with her. And with you, too.
[...]
Do you think there is anything we could do for her? Together?
no subject
Date: 2021-09-21 05:45 am (UTC)I'd like to work on her self image a little, for starters. It makes me sad that someone so beautiful doesn't see that.
...and yeah, I know how that sounds, coming from me of all people. But it means extra to me, because she was always there, fighting my insecurities.
[She hums, thinking for a long moment.]
Maybe... something like a photo album? Something we could fill together with pictures of special memories together with her in it.
I know that... despite how she's feeling about herself right now, she's still really grateful for those times. So maybe that would be a nice way to show her.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-02 09:59 am (UTC)That's a wonderful idea, Renny! I'm sure she would love it, and... I think it would be a good reminder of the fact we do love her. Because those times were important to us, too.
[Thinks for a moment, too...]
Ah... Crow has told me you used to be in a band together. Perhaps we could write Lily a song, too?
no subject
Date: 2021-10-13 09:16 pm (UTC)Exactly! It's something she could keep... for when she needs those reminders.
[When he brings up the band, that surprises her a little, making her blush.]
O-oh. That's right. I don't think you were here for the concert we put on here. It's a little embarrassing you heard about that.
[ESPECIALLY FROM THAT DUMB BIRD!! gosh]
But if it's instrumentals and that, you'd have to ask him-- I've only ever done lyrics and vocal. A song... would be really nice though. I know she loves music.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 12:51 pm (UTC)I've actually been trying to write music lately. So I could do that, and you come up with the lyrics and sing it for her!