[You are greeted with the sound of randomly disrupted static, at the end of which three melodic beeping signals are heard. Yep, that's your cue to leave a message!]
That is by no means an excuse, or a reason to think less of that time. But it is possible to be so kind and so cruel.
[ after a few moments, he stands himself up—carefully, from the space that he's in, he takes his shawl off to drape it over levity's shoulders, careful to avoid covering his head and doing his best not to get too close or to move too suddenly. he's certain levity couldn't deal with physical touch, but at least his shawl is warm. ]
I'm sorry, Levity-san. I know it hurts—to be so hurt, so deeply, by someone you loved and trusted.
[In a sense, the shawl does help. Levity wraps it around himself, almost without realizing it, as he sobs helplessly. He hasn't really let himself cry like this, yet - everyone else who's come to console him after this was close to Absinthe, and Levity couldn't quite let himself have the same level of vulnerability with them. And as for Lily and D.Va... The last thing he wanted was to add to their burdens. A selfish desire in this situation, maybe, but he would do anything to spare them a little bit of despair.
And in a way, it's... good to have someone who does understand. He did care for Absinthe greatly, and didn't want to believe that he would want to hurt him--until it was too late. And of course a part of him hopes that it wasn't really real, that it's not the way Absinthe truly sees him, but--
Levity shakes his head as he cries, voice choked with his sobs.]
I... I'm not the first... He's--done this before, to someone else, and I...
[Does he really have reason to trust Absinthe anymore? To think that the man ever did care for him? He's not the first to endure this particular kind of abuse from him, and the thought that he might not be the last leaves him utterly shaken and devastated.]
cw sexual assault talk thru this thread btw i forgot. also cannibalism imagery cuz lucifel is fucked
[ and honestly, though he doesn't know levity well he can tell that he's gentle, naive, a star at the least and certainly the sun of one would let him be so close—and it pains him to know how absinthe has hurt this gentle star, too young and almost assuredly not with the means to carry himself through something as painful as this.
(but he is not surprised; carnivores have a nose for the easiest prey, and while he's certain absinthe of all people would be more careful with someone precious to the ascians, pure predatory instinct—for what else could be in that closet but the husk of a man's darkest desires, fueled (if not poisoned) to pursue his need without care for even the closest loved one—could not resist an easy meal.
the bitter truth is that there are those that eat, and those that are eaten, and levity knew not how wide absinthe's maw is, nor how deep of a bite he could take if invited to just take the one.)
more softly he speaks, ]
. . . Is he aware?
EVERYTHING'S FUCKED!! also thats such good prose what the fuck, im emo
[fun fact absinthe himself compared levity to the sun, so,
Levity only tenses up at the further confirmation that he's not the first. And Absinthe wanted him to be understanding about it? To understand the reason behind it? As if "I want to" is any kind of a worthy reason, as if it's anything other than greed and disregard for others--
He tries to breathe deeply to calm down, fingers digging into his scalp.]
...I-- I've no idea. I do not... I couldn't... I-I can barely handle the mention of his name, much less speaking to him.
smoothly, deliberately with a higher, agreeable inflection to soothe him ]
Of course, I understand. It would be too painful to do so—I know.
[ he's foregone sitting in his seat but he won't be too close to levity; instead, he crouches nearby, at a lower angle so as to appear smaller, more harmless ]
You owe nothing to him—not your presence, nor your words, nor your grace.
. . . You are safe, here. This harm will not come to you again.
more sexual assault trauma plus suicidal tendencies
[The reassurance does help! His breathing evens out a little. It's... true. He doesn't owe anybody anything. It's his choice. The things he does, the things he says... they're going to be his choice.
He doesn't want to have those regrets again.]
...Thank you.
[Slowly, Levity rubs at his face, trying to wipe the remaining tears away.]
But it is... not just about me. D.Va... was there with me... but we were separated, and now she blames herself. For not saving me. When she didn't even know...
[He swallows thickly.]
I... What he did to me was--horrifying. I... I cannot kiss Lily anymore, or let D.Va hold me. I can't touch anyone. I can... barely look at myself in the mirror, or get dressed in the morning, I just--want to claw my skin off, and I want to die, every day...
[Levity takes a shaky breath.]
But I wasn't--I wasn't angry. But... D.Va cried, and begged me for forgiveness... and Lily tries to stay strong in front of me, but I know, I know just how much it hurts her, and--
I can... live through what he's done to me. One day at a time. One moment at a time. But I feel so furious and helpless at the thought of what he's done to them, and--and if it was any bloody use, I would face him myself. But--but it's not, and I can't do anything, just--just watch them be hurt and blame themselves.
Re: more sexual assault trauma plus suicidal tendencies
. . . They are hurt, because of how deeply you were hurt—is that not so?
[ . . . ]
Though it might be too difficult now, they can only move on when you move on. ... And—it is difficult, to get better, but it is certainly possible. So long as you do not force yourself to do more than you can do at the time, and so long as you have the space to do so.
Until then, it is in their love for you that their hearts ache; there is naught else to be done for them but to let yourself heal.
But it is the pain I wish to be rid of, not the who. It is why I do not wish to remove it altogether--I do not wish to trust him so blindly again, not when I know now what he can do to others.
I shall ask. I am acquainted with several people on that unit, too... He said that someone had turned to them before with a very similar request, for very similar reasons. So... I have hope.
The ability does not introduce pleasant feelings—it simply strips away the negative.
. . . For myself, I could recognize, still, intellectually, that something was "unpleasant"—but it did not reach me. I could feel that my heart was not swayed, and so I felt I could move forward without being overwhelmed by those emotions.
[ then, ]
I understand, if you don't wish to allow yourself to be affected by others in such a way. I can only give you my word that it will not be like that time—that it will be safe, and that any member of pep!pep! that administers the ability—[ like it's a medicine ]—will remove it immediately if you do not feel comfortable with it, or otherwise will not administer it again.
[He looks at the floor for a time, thinking about it. It... it does sound like what he needs. To be able to distance himself from this, to finally be able to sleep again, maybe even kiss Lily again.
I understand the fear. ... But, I find. . . . those fears of mine were hardly ever rewarded. None have turned me away in my time of need, and I received no judgment—only sympathy. My humanity was respected.
If you would like me to contact someone, I can. But I'm sure Sky-san can do it for you, if that person has the ability or funds to purchase the ability.
[ pausing—in a lighter tone, ]
Would you like to try a brownie? I've read that chocolate does wonders for one's mood.
[He smiles at the transition. Lucifel is sweet... er, edit that thought. Lucifel is kind. There we go.]
Indeed. Vergil brought me some hot chocolate, on the night after we all woke up... It was wonderful.
[Taking! A brownie!]
Thank you for coming to talk to me, Lucifel. I... do feel a little calmer. And, though it is selfish of me to say, and I wish with all my heart that we didn't both experience such things... it is good to know that someone understands.
Likewise. But I am certain we can put the circumstances of our meeting behind us--not to mention that we technically first met in the game. A much more pleasant first encounter. I really am quite impressed by how level-headed and logical you are, not to mention pleasant company overall.
Your words are too kind, Levity-san—but I'm glad you find my company pleasant, despite my forwardness. You are quite kind, to indulge me so.
. . . And, I would ask you to continue that—though we've only met infrequently thus far, if I can be a source of comfort to your worries, I'd like to be that. Ah—and if you have need of healing, of course, you can always contact me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: during among us
[ after a few moments, he stands himself up—carefully, from the space that he's in, he takes his shawl off to drape it over levity's shoulders, careful to avoid covering his head and doing his best not to get too close or to move too suddenly. he's certain levity couldn't deal with physical touch, but at least his shawl is warm. ]
I'm sorry, Levity-san. I know it hurts—to be so hurt, so deeply, by someone you loved and trusted.
Re: during among us
And in a way, it's... good to have someone who does understand. He did care for Absinthe greatly, and didn't want to believe that he would want to hurt him--until it was too late. And of course a part of him hopes that it wasn't really real, that it's not the way Absinthe truly sees him, but--
Levity shakes his head as he cries, voice choked with his sobs.]
I... I'm not the first... He's--done this before, to someone else, and I...
[Does he really have reason to trust Absinthe anymore? To think that the man ever did care for him? He's not the first to endure this particular kind of abuse from him, and the thought that he might not be the last leaves him utterly shaken and devastated.]
cw sexual assault talk thru this thread btw i forgot. also cannibalism imagery cuz lucifel is fucked
[ and honestly, though he doesn't know levity well he can tell that he's gentle, naive, a star at the least and certainly the sun of one would let him be so close—and it pains him to know how absinthe has hurt this gentle star, too young and almost assuredly not with the means to carry himself through something as painful as this.
(but he is not surprised; carnivores have a nose for the easiest prey, and while he's certain absinthe of all people would be more careful with someone precious to the ascians, pure predatory instinct—for what else could be in that closet but the husk of a man's darkest desires, fueled (if not poisoned) to pursue his need without care for even the closest loved one—could not resist an easy meal.
the bitter truth is that there are those that eat, and those that are eaten, and levity knew not how wide absinthe's maw is, nor how deep of a bite he could take if invited to just take the one.)
more softly he speaks, ]
. . . Is he aware?
EVERYTHING'S FUCKED!! also thats such good prose what the fuck, im emo
fun fact absinthe himself compared levity to the sun, so,Levity only tenses up at the further confirmation that he's not the first. And Absinthe wanted him to be understanding about it? To understand the reason behind it? As if "I want to" is any kind of a worthy reason, as if it's anything other than greed and disregard for others--
He tries to breathe deeply to calm down, fingers digging into his scalp.]
...I-- I've no idea. I do not... I couldn't... I-I can barely handle the mention of his name, much less speaking to him.
winky face
ripsmoothly, deliberately with a higher, agreeable inflection to soothe him ]
Of course, I understand. It would be too painful to do so—I know.
[ he's foregone sitting in his seat but he won't be too close to levity; instead, he crouches nearby, at a lower angle so as to appear smaller, more harmless ]
You owe nothing to him—not your presence, nor your words, nor your grace.
. . . You are safe, here. This harm will not come to you again.
more sexual assault trauma plus suicidal tendencies
He doesn't want to have those regrets again.]
...Thank you.
[Slowly, Levity rubs at his face, trying to wipe the remaining tears away.]
But it is... not just about me. D.Va... was there with me... but we were separated, and now she blames herself. For not saving me. When she didn't even know...
[He swallows thickly.]
I... What he did to me was--horrifying. I... I cannot kiss Lily anymore, or let D.Va hold me. I can't touch anyone. I can... barely look at myself in the mirror, or get dressed in the morning, I just--want to claw my skin off, and I want to die, every day...
[Levity takes a shaky breath.]
But I wasn't--I wasn't angry. But... D.Va cried, and begged me for forgiveness... and Lily tries to stay strong in front of me, but I know, I know just how much it hurts her, and--
I can... live through what he's done to me. One day at a time. One moment at a time. But I feel so furious and helpless at the thought of what he's done to them, and--and if it was any bloody use, I would face him myself. But--but it's not, and I can't do anything, just--just watch them be hurt and blame themselves.
Re: more sexual assault trauma plus suicidal tendencies
[ . . . ]
Though it might be too difficult now, they can only move on when you move on. ... And—it is difficult, to get better, but it is certainly possible. So long as you do not force yourself to do more than you can do at the time, and so long as you have the space to do so.
Until then, it is in their love for you that their hearts ache; there is naught else to be done for them but to let yourself heal.
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[He sighs, feeling completely drained.]
...Jason suggested I turn to BAD END for help with... changing the memory. I was against it at first, but--it may be for the best now.
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What good would that be?
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But it is the pain I wish to be rid of, not the who. It is why I do not wish to remove it altogether--I do not wish to trust him so blindly again, not when I know now what he can do to others.
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[ pauses, frowns ]
. . . Well, though, Jason-san would surely know more than I.
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I shall ask. I am acquainted with several people on that unit, too... He said that someone had turned to them before with a very similar request, for very similar reasons. So... I have hope.
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then, he looks up to him ]
In the meantime—if it's the pain that you want alleviated, might I suggest contacting a member of pep!pep! . . . ?
Their ability, Cloud Nine, may be what you seek for the pain, at least in the present.
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I... don't know. I opposed that at first, too--it was...
[He breathes out quietly.]
He... manipulated my perception, too. Made it feel pleasant, at first--until it was no longer fun, of course.
[Gods, he feels like he's going to throw up just thinking about it.]
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. . . For myself, I could recognize, still, intellectually, that something was "unpleasant"—but it did not reach me. I could feel that my heart was not swayed, and so I felt I could move forward without being overwhelmed by those emotions.
[ then, ]
I understand, if you don't wish to allow yourself to be affected by others in such a way. I can only give you my word that it will not be like that time—that it will be safe, and that any member of pep!pep! that administers the ability—[ like it's a medicine ]—will remove it immediately if you do not feel comfortable with it, or otherwise will not administer it again.
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He misses her so much.]
You've... used it before, too?
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. . . It's saved me from great pain, when I needed something like that the most. I'm grateful to the members of pep!pep! who took care of me then.
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[He runs his hands down his face tiredly.]
I believe I know barely anyone on the unit, but...
I... do trust Sky. If they have that ability, I shall turn to them.
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If you would like me to contact someone, I can. But I'm sure Sky-san can do it for you, if that person has the ability or funds to purchase the ability.
[ pausing—in a lighter tone, ]
Would you like to try a brownie? I've read that chocolate does wonders for one's mood.
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Indeed. Vergil brought me some hot chocolate, on the night after we all woke up... It was wonderful.
[Taking! A brownie!]
Thank you for coming to talk to me, Lucifel. I... do feel a little calmer. And, though it is selfish of me to say, and I wish with all my heart that we didn't both experience such things... it is good to know that someone understands.
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[ with a soft smile, ]
And, I'm glad to finally meet you, though the circumstances are poor.
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Likewise. But I am certain we can put the circumstances of our meeting behind us--not to mention that we technically first met in the game. A much more pleasant first encounter. I really am quite impressed by how level-headed and logical you are, not to mention pleasant company overall.
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. . . And, I would ask you to continue that—though we've only met infrequently thus far, if I can be a source of comfort to your worries, I'd like to be that. Ah—and if you have need of healing, of course, you can always contact me.
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cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
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Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
cannibalism implications
luci stop being food!!!! also big debression vibes here
he is food
stop! being food!
Re: stop! being food!
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luci answer ur own inbox also!!!
OH. I THOUGHT IT WAS DELETED MY BAD
dw is rude........
single tear
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