[You are greeted with the sound of randomly disrupted static, at the end of which three melodic beeping signals are heard. Yep, that's your cue to leave a message!]
[He listens, breathing quietly, anxiety churning his gut. A part of him does want to believe that Absinthe cares for him in truth, that it was just... some outside influence. But it's so hard to separate whether that is what he truly wants to think or if it's just that terrified part of him, the one that hoped that belief can replace reality, that if he pretends enough it won't hurt as much, it won't damage him as badly.
It's a tangled mess, but unfortunately the last part just makes it worse. Levity stares at the floor, unseeing, feeling an abyss open up within him. He didn't... even find the actual source of the corruption, then. It was all for nothing. The stupidest mistake he could have made, and now he doesn't even have the shield of having tried to help. He was just... an idiot.
Slowly, he transfers his gaze to the cup in his hand. Maybe if he breaks it he will end up with a piece sharp enough to cut his throat with again. Or... the teaspoon... make into a knife--or, ahah, a nail, stab himself again, however painful it was, and being unable to even scream, and the blood in his lungs, and...]
[DO NOT @ HIM????? Levity actually flinches at the mortifying ordeal of being known, fingers digging into his palms, body tense, breath coming faster.]
[No, what he's actually going to do is cry :'( but at least rather than the tears of a self-hating breakdown it's more... helpless, vulnerable, at knowing that it wasn't just him, that someone understands how he feels. That maybe, just maybe, blaming himself is unreasonable--because it would mean blaming Lucifel, too, when he is strong and kind and caring.
...Why is it so that caring for others is a mistake in this world? Why is it apparently weak, laughable, naive, something to break, even by those very same people who want and need it?
Maybe it would be better if he could articulate it, but as it is Levity can only cry, pulling up his knees to his chest to hide his face in them.]
[ the deeply, deeply unfortunate part about all of this is that lucifel isn't really in a better headspace himself—food is food is food is food—but he can, at least, pretend that he is, so that he can walk levity through his own pain.
though, perhaps not right now—what can he do for levity right now, when he needs to get his pain out but he can't be touched?
persephone would do this for him—he would sing. so, he lets levity cry—if someone who's very nearly a stranger can make him cry so heavily, he's certain levity needs it—while he hums a soothing, hymnal sort of tune with a low, steady voice. ]
Edited ((i just wanted to add the ellipses it paces better in my head sorry)) Date: 2021-02-14 01:11 pm (UTC)
[The singing does, in fact, help - Lily sings to him too, and Levity generally finds great relief in music. Of course, it's not a way to stop crying, but it helps him coast through it more easily, his sobs eventually subsiding to quiet sniffling.
He feels so exhausted. He's tired of the nightmares, of remembering, of the way his body feels disgusting and alien now, of the constant background terror, of the way anger burns him out, whenever he manages to be angry instead of terrified. Of the acid in his insides and the way food doesn't taste like anything anymore and the way words fall apart in his mind when he tries to read and the way the world seems to be so much smaller, so much duller now.
He's so tired.
Levity lets himself stay curled up like that, just... listening to Lucifel's voice. The repeating patterns of the hymn help soothe him, draw his mind away from the bleak depths he usually finds himself in these days. Little by little, he lets his breath even out, even as he still shivers.]
[He actually looks a little flustered, but in a good way - and certainly more alive than before.]
Ah--no, in fact. I would be happy to share what I write, if you would wish to see. I've yet to write things that would truly be kept private by their nature or the subjects they address...
Ah, thank you so much. I am glad you enjoy them--I am not trained, truly, and it is possible that I break whatever conventions there are when it comes to composing poetry.
[He looks aside, smiling.]
...She was very happy. O-Or, well... She ended up crying, and I thought it was because I said something wrong, but it was simply that she was not used to such gestures. Which is why... I want to do more for her. And write more for her.
[He blushes for a moment - that level of embarrassingly sincere compliment is exactly what Levity would have said, too, it's just that he never had it directed at him. This is unexpected, but not unwelcome.]
...I do want to write more. Especially as I recover...
[He trails off; his expression falls then as he remembers something.]
...I suppose there is one there that was not for Lily.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
weenwoon
cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Date: 2021-02-14 10:41 am (UTC)It's a tangled mess, but unfortunately the last part just makes it worse. Levity stares at the floor, unseeing, feeling an abyss open up within him. He didn't... even find the actual source of the corruption, then. It was all for nothing. The stupidest mistake he could have made, and now he doesn't even have the shield of having tried to help. He was just... an idiot.
Slowly, he transfers his gaze to the cup in his hand. Maybe if he breaks it he will end up with a piece sharp enough to cut his throat with again. Or... the teaspoon... make into a knife--or, ahah, a nail, stab himself again, however painful it was, and being unable to even scream, and the blood in his lungs, and...]
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Date: 2021-02-14 11:18 am (UTC)[ in a low tone, slow, but in a firm one—to try breaking him out of his reverie ]
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Date: 2021-02-14 11:23 am (UTC)...I'm an idiot. Worse. I just...
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Date: 2021-02-14 11:29 am (UTC)[ shifting again, back to crouching for him ]
"It's my fault for letting myself get hurt. Even though I was warned, I made a mistake, and it was for nothing."
. . . Is that what you're thinking, now?
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Date: 2021-02-14 11:31 am (UTC)I-I--
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Date: 2021-02-14 11:34 am (UTC)[ with a reassuring tone, a little softer ]
It's alright, Levity-san. Please, breathe slowly.
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Date: 2021-02-14 11:47 am (UTC)...Why is it so that caring for others is a mistake in this world? Why is it apparently weak, laughable, naive, something to break, even by those very same people who want and need it?
Maybe it would be better if he could articulate it, but as it is Levity can only cry, pulling up his knees to his chest to hide his face in them.]
cannibalism implications
Date: 2021-02-14 12:20 pm (UTC)[ the deeply, deeply unfortunate part about all of this is that lucifel isn't really in a better headspace himself—food is food is food is food—but he can, at least, pretend that he is, so that he can walk levity through his own pain.
though, perhaps not right now—what can he do for levity right now, when he needs to get his pain out but he can't be touched?
persephone would do this for him—he would sing. so, he lets levity cry—if someone who's very nearly a stranger can make him cry so heavily, he's certain levity needs it—while he hums a soothing, hymnal sort of tune with a low, steady voice. ]
luci stop being food!!!! also big debression vibes here
Date: 2021-02-14 02:36 pm (UTC)He feels so exhausted. He's tired of the nightmares, of remembering, of the way his body feels disgusting and alien now, of the constant background terror, of the way anger burns him out, whenever he manages to be angry instead of terrified. Of the acid in his insides and the way food doesn't taste like anything anymore and the way words fall apart in his mind when he tries to read and the way the world seems to be so much smaller, so much duller now.
He's so tired.
Levity lets himself stay curled up like that, just... listening to Lucifel's voice. The repeating patterns of the hymn help soothe him, draw his mind away from the bleak depths he usually finds himself in these days. Little by little, he lets his breath even out, even as he still shivers.]
...thank you, Lucifel.
he is food
Date: 2021-02-15 02:19 am (UTC)How do you feel . . . ?
stop! being food!
Date: 2021-02-15 04:20 am (UTC)[It's the best there is for him at the moment, really.]
Re: stop! being food!
Date: 2021-02-15 08:56 am (UTC)[ pause ]
What do you like to do in your spare time? Besides playing phone games, that is.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-15 09:10 am (UTC)...I like reading. Learning new things. I... write poems, sometimes. Mostly for Lily--my girlfriend. I know not if you know her...
no subject
Date: 2021-02-15 09:18 am (UTC)I am indeed—we've met on occasion, and played together on occasion.
I suppose if they're for her, they're not to be shared with others?
no subject
Date: 2021-02-15 09:26 am (UTC)Ah--no, in fact. I would be happy to share what I write, if you would wish to see. I've yet to write things that would truly be kept private by their nature or the subjects they address...
no subject
Date: 2021-02-15 09:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-02-15 09:29 am (UTC)[He actually keeps the Embarrassment Notebook on him at all times and happily hands it over.
The last one is not for Lily, but, uh, he hasn't been thinking about that.]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-15 09:36 am (UTC). . . Levity-san is quite the romantic. Ah . . .
[ with a gesture to the second poem (day 315 date), not touching the paper ]
They are all elegant, but this in particular—I enjoy its simplicity. Was she happy to read it?
no subject
Date: 2021-02-15 09:43 am (UTC)Ah, thank you so much. I am glad you enjoy them--I am not trained, truly, and it is possible that I break whatever conventions there are when it comes to composing poetry.
[He looks aside, smiling.]
...She was very happy. O-Or, well... She ended up crying, and I thought it was because I said something wrong, but it was simply that she was not used to such gestures. Which is why... I want to do more for her. And write more for her.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-16 08:55 am (UTC)[ with a softness to his smile ]
You should certainly write more. I think you have a knack for this.
Of course, then it would not only be for her—perhaps you could write of other things, too. Your favorite things and experiences, and the like.
luci answer ur own inbox also!!!
Date: 2021-02-16 09:24 am (UTC)...I do want to write more. Especially as I recover...
[He trails off; his expression falls then as he remembers something.]
...I suppose there is one there that was not for Lily.
OH. I THOUGHT IT WAS DELETED MY BAD
Date: 2021-02-16 09:25 am (UTC)Of course, it was for yourself.
dw is rude........
Date: 2021-02-16 09:31 am (UTC)Oh--not for myself, actually. Mainly for--
[--oh fuck. He's stupid. Levity sighs, running a hand down his face.]
...well, I might say for several people.
single tear
Date: 2021-02-16 09:35 am (UTC)In that way, to be able to express those emotions—that would be for yourself, don't you think?
no subject
Date: 2021-02-16 03:38 pm (UTC)...Perhaps, yes. It is about my understanding of their pasts, perhaps...
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