[You are greeted with the sound of randomly disrupted static, at the end of which three melodic beeping signals are heard. Yep, that's your cue to leave a message!]
It is, in part, duty, but in part it is borne from a selfish desire of mine—to know that you, a person that I'd like to become friends with, have been hurt by one of my countenance, and moreover by one of my relationships, is something that weighs deeply on me.
To speak nothing of the guilt, it is that I wished to reach out to you because I, quite selfishly, did not want our relationship to be strangled by that time.
[ a little softer, gaze falling to the teacups ]
. . . And, because I'm no stranger to pain.
Above all, it is no burden—Levity-san. If anything, I'm grateful to you for allowing me here.
['Strangled'. He closes his eyes at the word - it's neither the worst reminder nor the worst reaction he could have, but... well, it still makes him remember.]
...I'm... sorry that you have been hurt, too. By him, I assume.
...D.Va did not seem surprised, however... She said that it was, er, you being yourself. That was worrying.
. . . She isn't wrong. At least for myself, it was of my own volition. But, those with more regard for life and personal wellbeing than I would find it to be disturbing at the very least.
Levity stays silent for a time, then breathes out slowly.]
To tell you the truth... before, I would have agreed with you. I, too, have offered some of myself before... rather gladly. I was sympathetic. I wanted...
[He takes a deep breath, anxiety churning his stomach. It felt impossible to even remember at first, but... maybe he can come closer to putting it into words.
Heavens, it's still an ordeal, though.]
...You've... visited his mind too, yes? Which... places did you go to?
Levity feels that familiar dizziness again, brings up a hand to cover his eyes. Still... breathe in, breathe out. He can ground himself better these days.
Breathe in, breathe out. He's alive. No hands on his throat. He can feel the warmth of the cup in his hands, the scent of the tea. He's... alive.
Slowly, Levity nods.]
...all that is worst about him. Or perhaps... simply his true nature.
[Levity stays silent for a while, motionless... before slowly, carefully setting down his cup back onto the coffee table and just as slowly curling up to hug his knees to his chest and cry. He wouldn't even really be able to articulate why, exactly - it's a very tangled matter; being unable still to let go of his hurt, being exhausted by holding onto anger, having precious little else to hold onto, the guilt and weakness and desire for it to never have happened and heartbreak from seeing Lily and D.Va so devastated by his state.]
That is by no means an excuse, or a reason to think less of that time. But it is possible to be so kind and so cruel.
[ after a few moments, he stands himself up—carefully, from the space that he's in, he takes his shawl off to drape it over levity's shoulders, careful to avoid covering his head and doing his best not to get too close or to move too suddenly. he's certain levity couldn't deal with physical touch, but at least his shawl is warm. ]
I'm sorry, Levity-san. I know it hurts—to be so hurt, so deeply, by someone you loved and trusted.
[In a sense, the shawl does help. Levity wraps it around himself, almost without realizing it, as he sobs helplessly. He hasn't really let himself cry like this, yet - everyone else who's come to console him after this was close to Absinthe, and Levity couldn't quite let himself have the same level of vulnerability with them. And as for Lily and D.Va... The last thing he wanted was to add to their burdens. A selfish desire in this situation, maybe, but he would do anything to spare them a little bit of despair.
And in a way, it's... good to have someone who does understand. He did care for Absinthe greatly, and didn't want to believe that he would want to hurt him--until it was too late. And of course a part of him hopes that it wasn't really real, that it's not the way Absinthe truly sees him, but--
Levity shakes his head as he cries, voice choked with his sobs.]
I... I'm not the first... He's--done this before, to someone else, and I...
[Does he really have reason to trust Absinthe anymore? To think that the man ever did care for him? He's not the first to endure this particular kind of abuse from him, and the thought that he might not be the last leaves him utterly shaken and devastated.]
cw sexual assault talk thru this thread btw i forgot. also cannibalism imagery cuz lucifel is fucked
[ and honestly, though he doesn't know levity well he can tell that he's gentle, naive, a star at the least and certainly the sun of one would let him be so close—and it pains him to know how absinthe has hurt this gentle star, too young and almost assuredly not with the means to carry himself through something as painful as this.
(but he is not surprised; carnivores have a nose for the easiest prey, and while he's certain absinthe of all people would be more careful with someone precious to the ascians, pure predatory instinct—for what else could be in that closet but the husk of a man's darkest desires, fueled (if not poisoned) to pursue his need without care for even the closest loved one—could not resist an easy meal.
the bitter truth is that there are those that eat, and those that are eaten, and levity knew not how wide absinthe's maw is, nor how deep of a bite he could take if invited to just take the one.)
more softly he speaks, ]
. . . Is he aware?
EVERYTHING'S FUCKED!! also thats such good prose what the fuck, im emo
[fun fact absinthe himself compared levity to the sun, so,
Levity only tenses up at the further confirmation that he's not the first. And Absinthe wanted him to be understanding about it? To understand the reason behind it? As if "I want to" is any kind of a worthy reason, as if it's anything other than greed and disregard for others--
He tries to breathe deeply to calm down, fingers digging into his scalp.]
...I-- I've no idea. I do not... I couldn't... I-I can barely handle the mention of his name, much less speaking to him.
smoothly, deliberately with a higher, agreeable inflection to soothe him ]
Of course, I understand. It would be too painful to do so—I know.
[ he's foregone sitting in his seat but he won't be too close to levity; instead, he crouches nearby, at a lower angle so as to appear smaller, more harmless ]
You owe nothing to him—not your presence, nor your words, nor your grace.
. . . You are safe, here. This harm will not come to you again.
more sexual assault trauma plus suicidal tendencies
[The reassurance does help! His breathing evens out a little. It's... true. He doesn't owe anybody anything. It's his choice. The things he does, the things he says... they're going to be his choice.
He doesn't want to have those regrets again.]
...Thank you.
[Slowly, Levity rubs at his face, trying to wipe the remaining tears away.]
But it is... not just about me. D.Va... was there with me... but we were separated, and now she blames herself. For not saving me. When she didn't even know...
[He swallows thickly.]
I... What he did to me was--horrifying. I... I cannot kiss Lily anymore, or let D.Va hold me. I can't touch anyone. I can... barely look at myself in the mirror, or get dressed in the morning, I just--want to claw my skin off, and I want to die, every day...
[Levity takes a shaky breath.]
But I wasn't--I wasn't angry. But... D.Va cried, and begged me for forgiveness... and Lily tries to stay strong in front of me, but I know, I know just how much it hurts her, and--
I can... live through what he's done to me. One day at a time. One moment at a time. But I feel so furious and helpless at the thought of what he's done to them, and--and if it was any bloody use, I would face him myself. But--but it's not, and I can't do anything, just--just watch them be hurt and blame themselves.
Re: more sexual assault trauma plus suicidal tendencies
. . . They are hurt, because of how deeply you were hurt—is that not so?
[ . . . ]
Though it might be too difficult now, they can only move on when you move on. ... And—it is difficult, to get better, but it is certainly possible. So long as you do not force yourself to do more than you can do at the time, and so long as you have the space to do so.
Until then, it is in their love for you that their hearts ache; there is naught else to be done for them but to let yourself heal.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: during among us
To speak nothing of the guilt, it is that I wished to reach out to you because I, quite selfishly, did not want our relationship to be strangled by that time.
[ a little softer, gaze falling to the teacups ]
. . . And, because I'm no stranger to pain.
Above all, it is no burden—Levity-san. If anything, I'm grateful to you for allowing me here.
Re: during among us
...I'm... sorry that you have been hurt, too. By him, I assume.
...D.Va did not seem surprised, however... She said that it was, er, you being yourself. That was worrying.
Re: during among us
[ pauses, giving a sheepish sort of laugh ]
. . . She isn't wrong. At least for myself, it was of my own volition. But, those with more regard for life and personal wellbeing than I would find it to be disturbing at the very least.
Re: during among us
Levity stays silent for a time, then breathes out slowly.]
To tell you the truth... before, I would have agreed with you. I, too, have offered some of myself before... rather gladly. I was sympathetic. I wanted...
[He cuts off. Heavens, he was so naive.]
...I was an idiot. Much like everyone said.
Re: during among us
[ listening to him, quiet for a few beats ]
Might I ask, what happened . . . ?
Re: during among us
Heavens, it's still an ordeal, though.]
...You've... visited his mind too, yes? Which... places did you go to?
Re: during among us
Re: during among us
...the last one. There was--the closet, that I thought to be the source...
Re: during among us
thank god he decided to go for the bed first. ]
. . . He was inside, wasn't he?
Re: during among us
Levity feels that familiar dizziness again, brings up a hand to cover his eyes. Still... breathe in, breathe out. He can ground himself better these days.
Breathe in, breathe out. He's alive. No hands on his throat. He can feel the warmth of the cup in his hands, the scent of the tea. He's... alive.
Slowly, Levity nods.]
...all that is worst about him. Or perhaps... simply his true nature.
Re: during among us
Before this, you were friends with him, were you not . . . ?
Re: during among us
...Yes. And maybe more than friends.
[It was the standard imeeji relationship of half fwb, half dating, ok.]
Re: during among us
[ a pause
softer, ]
. . . I don't believe what you knew of him was any less his nature than what you endured in that place.
Re: during among us
Re: during among us
[ after a few moments, he stands himself up—carefully, from the space that he's in, he takes his shawl off to drape it over levity's shoulders, careful to avoid covering his head and doing his best not to get too close or to move too suddenly. he's certain levity couldn't deal with physical touch, but at least his shawl is warm. ]
I'm sorry, Levity-san. I know it hurts—to be so hurt, so deeply, by someone you loved and trusted.
Re: during among us
And in a way, it's... good to have someone who does understand. He did care for Absinthe greatly, and didn't want to believe that he would want to hurt him--until it was too late. And of course a part of him hopes that it wasn't really real, that it's not the way Absinthe truly sees him, but--
Levity shakes his head as he cries, voice choked with his sobs.]
I... I'm not the first... He's--done this before, to someone else, and I...
[Does he really have reason to trust Absinthe anymore? To think that the man ever did care for him? He's not the first to endure this particular kind of abuse from him, and the thought that he might not be the last leaves him utterly shaken and devastated.]
cw sexual assault talk thru this thread btw i forgot. also cannibalism imagery cuz lucifel is fucked
[ and honestly, though he doesn't know levity well he can tell that he's gentle, naive, a star at the least and certainly the sun of one would let him be so close—and it pains him to know how absinthe has hurt this gentle star, too young and almost assuredly not with the means to carry himself through something as painful as this.
(but he is not surprised; carnivores have a nose for the easiest prey, and while he's certain absinthe of all people would be more careful with someone precious to the ascians, pure predatory instinct—for what else could be in that closet but the husk of a man's darkest desires, fueled (if not poisoned) to pursue his need without care for even the closest loved one—could not resist an easy meal.
the bitter truth is that there are those that eat, and those that are eaten, and levity knew not how wide absinthe's maw is, nor how deep of a bite he could take if invited to just take the one.)
more softly he speaks, ]
. . . Is he aware?
EVERYTHING'S FUCKED!! also thats such good prose what the fuck, im emo
fun fact absinthe himself compared levity to the sun, so,Levity only tenses up at the further confirmation that he's not the first. And Absinthe wanted him to be understanding about it? To understand the reason behind it? As if "I want to" is any kind of a worthy reason, as if it's anything other than greed and disregard for others--
He tries to breathe deeply to calm down, fingers digging into his scalp.]
...I-- I've no idea. I do not... I couldn't... I-I can barely handle the mention of his name, much less speaking to him.
winky face
ripsmoothly, deliberately with a higher, agreeable inflection to soothe him ]
Of course, I understand. It would be too painful to do so—I know.
[ he's foregone sitting in his seat but he won't be too close to levity; instead, he crouches nearby, at a lower angle so as to appear smaller, more harmless ]
You owe nothing to him—not your presence, nor your words, nor your grace.
. . . You are safe, here. This harm will not come to you again.
more sexual assault trauma plus suicidal tendencies
He doesn't want to have those regrets again.]
...Thank you.
[Slowly, Levity rubs at his face, trying to wipe the remaining tears away.]
But it is... not just about me. D.Va... was there with me... but we were separated, and now she blames herself. For not saving me. When she didn't even know...
[He swallows thickly.]
I... What he did to me was--horrifying. I... I cannot kiss Lily anymore, or let D.Va hold me. I can't touch anyone. I can... barely look at myself in the mirror, or get dressed in the morning, I just--want to claw my skin off, and I want to die, every day...
[Levity takes a shaky breath.]
But I wasn't--I wasn't angry. But... D.Va cried, and begged me for forgiveness... and Lily tries to stay strong in front of me, but I know, I know just how much it hurts her, and--
I can... live through what he's done to me. One day at a time. One moment at a time. But I feel so furious and helpless at the thought of what he's done to them, and--and if it was any bloody use, I would face him myself. But--but it's not, and I can't do anything, just--just watch them be hurt and blame themselves.
Re: more sexual assault trauma plus suicidal tendencies
[ . . . ]
Though it might be too difficult now, they can only move on when you move on. ... And—it is difficult, to get better, but it is certainly possible. So long as you do not force yourself to do more than you can do at the time, and so long as you have the space to do so.
Until then, it is in their love for you that their hearts ache; there is naught else to be done for them but to let yourself heal.
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[He sighs, feeling completely drained.]
...Jason suggested I turn to BAD END for help with... changing the memory. I was against it at first, but--it may be for the best now.
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What good would that be?
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1/2
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cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
cannibalism implications
luci stop being food!!!! also big debression vibes here
he is food
stop! being food!
Re: stop! being food!
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luci answer ur own inbox also!!!
OH. I THOUGHT IT WAS DELETED MY BAD
dw is rude........
single tear
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