[You are greeted with the sound of randomly disrupted static, at the end of which three melodic beeping signals are heard. Yep, that's your cue to leave a message!]
[The fact that Hades pulls away quickly at least stops his panic from rising further, but does not exactly lessen it. Hythlodaeus is still breathing rapidly, trembling, hunched up in a defensive pose.]
You... You don't know?
[He tries to take a deeper breath, swallows a lump in his throat.]
Hythlodaeus feels the urge to laugh--though the word is technically accurate, it also feels so... bare, in a sense, compared to what he'd gone through. That's like saying that the ocean is on the deeper side.
But the impulse leaves as quickly as it came, filling him with a kind of empty bitterness instead.]
...Dehumanizing is what it was. And--horrifying. I had to kill myself to escape. Had the nails still. From the boards. Stabbed one in my throat. Still feel it there sometimes. Still feel his hands on me. Want to claw my skin off.
[He breathes more deeply, trying to chase away the vertigo that remembering brings in him.]
...No. I... I know you mean well, but--I don't want to go through that again.
[Hythlodaeus clenches his fists, bitter tears welling up in his eyes.]
...D.Va was there too, and--when she found out... She cried and begged me to forgive her, because--because she couldn't protect me, she thinks it's her fault, she thinks she failed me--
[He bites at his lip, sucking in a shaky breath.]
Do you know how that feels? To know she blames herself?
Does it make you remember before you forget? I wonder. I don't have the ability thus I would not know.
[He looks back up at the ceiling.]
Of course. How could I not?
And you would focus on that. The suffering of others. Your kindness and thoughtfulness ever at the forefront. But know that the fault is not hers nor yours. Do not hold onto this unnecessary burden.
You are important. Whatever worries, whatever fears, whatever pain claws at you ... you do not need to hide from it. I cannot speak for the others, but in the end you being content, being comfortable, knowing that you have others to lean on is what matters. And despite what your mind might say, caring for you is neither burden nor chore. There is very little I would not do for your sake.
Lily and D.Va are younger. They lack self-esteem and are still growing and learning, but I highly doubt they want perfection or complete composure from you.
Your companionship is sought out for you and all that you are. To cherish the pleasant times and support you in the difficult ones. Just as you would for them. I doubt you would be pleased if they hid their worries and concerns for your sake.
[Hythlodaeus is tense, at first - uncertain what will be said, wary of trusting anyone and anything. But it... helps. His mind has been running in circles, guilt and self-hatred and desperate need for an answer as to why all weighing brutally on him. And it's hard to remember that he's a person, not a thing, that caring for him is not a burden on others.
He closes his eyes halfways through Hades's words, tears welling up. Though it's been such a short time, he's already so starved for comfort.]
...Of course I don't want them to hide anything from me... I think--I think Lily tries, and I cannot bear it... I want--I want them to be happy, genuinely, I want them to be safe, I want... I want this to never have happened...
[He digs his fingers into the plush of the carpet, crying more openly now.]
I know you do. You want them to be happy, safe, content, because you love them. And it is something you should strive for. But perhaps not like this.
[He would normally hold his hand but he doesn't not want to scare him. He gives him a fond smile instead.]
Weak and foolish? You are neither. I have the privilege of being spoiled at what your true nature holds as you begin your journey regaining your memories and making new ones. You will change and grow, yes, but there are parts of you that will always be you, Hythlodaeus.
Kind. Compassionate. Inquisitive. Able to corral this grumpy man when he's being particularly stubborn.
And it never hurts to try to love, my friend. To look for connection. To open your heart. That I learned from you. Yes, sometimes it will hurt, strike at your very core, but in the end you'll find those that make it all worth it.
[It is quite painful to watch him and not be able to physically comfort him.]
My heart does yearn what is best for you, my friend. And no matter what happens, I will always care for you. This pain you feel will dull over time, replaced with better memories. At least that I can try to promise you.
[He simply... lets himself cry for a time. He wants to believe what Hades is saying, he really does, but... It's hard, right now, when his nearly every moment is haunted by memories.]
[WEENWOON NOISES!!!! Hythlodaeus gasps quietly at the sound of it. Lahabrea spoke to him in the language, too, before--before he started remembering. Right now, he's too shaken to think about it in more detail, but... there's comfort in it.]
P-Please... I asked Five, yesterday, I could--I could finally rest, but then when I'm awake, I remember...
[It is obvious by how he starts to move and then stops himself he would like to give him more physical comforts of embraces, but that would be a bad idea to say the least.]
I promise you, Hythlodaeus. Somewhere calm and quiet. I can also give you shared control of the dream, but I will reign it in would you fears begin to manifest in terrible ways.
Just take a deep breathe. You are in the company of someone who loves you very much. I will care for you as much as I am able. You never need be alone.
[That seems to be a revelation to him, and one that's... incredibly soothing, actually. What he needs is to have more control again, over himself, over his space, over his life--]
...could I... or could you--use it to make my body feel mine again?..
[The question is a whisper and even as he says it Hythlodaeus knows that the answer is no, that letting himself get lost in dreams is no real way out. But it is painful indeed to contemplate returning to reality if he is given a taste of peace, of comfort again.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
weenwoon
Re: Day 328
Date: 2021-02-12 09:55 am (UTC)You... You don't know?
[He tries to take a deeper breath, swallows a lump in his throat.]
If--If you guess--don't say his name. Don't.
Re: Day 328
Date: 2021-02-12 10:06 am (UTC)You have my deepest sympathies. It must have been painful.
cw uh. aftermath of absinthe. suicidal ideation suicide mention vague reference to sexual assault
Date: 2021-02-12 10:17 am (UTC)Haha.
Hahaha.
Hythlodaeus feels the urge to laugh--though the word is technically accurate, it also feels so... bare, in a sense, compared to what he'd gone through. That's like saying that the ocean is on the deeper side.
But the impulse leaves as quickly as it came, filling him with a kind of empty bitterness instead.]
...Dehumanizing is what it was. And--horrifying. I had to kill myself to escape. Had the nails still. From the boards. Stabbed one in my throat. Still feel it there sometimes. Still feel his hands on me. Want to claw my skin off.
honestly cw absinthe should just be a thing
Date: 2021-02-12 10:21 am (UTC)You could get rid of it. The memory. If you so wished.
cw absinthe means literally every cw you can think of, likely
Date: 2021-02-12 10:24 am (UTC)...No. I... I know you mean well, but--I don't want to go through that again.
[Hythlodaeus clenches his fists, bitter tears welling up in his eyes.]
...D.Va was there too, and--when she found out... She cried and begged me to forgive her, because--because she couldn't protect me, she thinks it's her fault, she thinks she failed me--
[He bites at his lip, sucking in a shaky breath.]
Do you know how that feels? To know she blames herself?
Re: cw absinthe means literally every cw you can think of, likely
Date: 2021-02-12 10:32 am (UTC)[He looks back up at the ceiling.]
Of course. How could I not?
And you would focus on that. The suffering of others. Your kindness and thoughtfulness ever at the forefront. But know that the fault is not hers nor yours. Do not hold onto this unnecessary burden.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-12 10:42 am (UTC)[He breathes out heavily, runs a hand down his face.]
I don't--I don't care what happens to me, but I cannot bear to see her like this. And Lily, too. I--I'll live through what he's done to me, but--
[Hythlodaeus clenches his fists, struggling with unfamiliar feelings. Anger is the strongest of them, but who - or what - should it be directed at?
He stays silent for a while, mind too full of words, then breathes out.]
I just... I just want them to be alright, to be happy again... To never have to worry about me...
no subject
Date: 2021-02-12 10:45 am (UTC)He pats the spot next to him.]
Come here. I will refrain from touching you or any sudden movements.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-12 10:47 am (UTC)What is it?..
no subject
Date: 2021-02-12 11:00 am (UTC)Lily and D.Va are younger. They lack self-esteem and are still growing and learning, but I highly doubt they want perfection or complete composure from you.
Your companionship is sought out for you and all that you are. To cherish the pleasant times and support you in the difficult ones. Just as you would for them. I doubt you would be pleased if they hid their worries and concerns for your sake.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-13 01:12 pm (UTC)He closes his eyes halfways through Hades's words, tears welling up. Though it's been such a short time, he's already so starved for comfort.]
...Of course I don't want them to hide anything from me... I think--I think Lily tries, and I cannot bear it... I want--I want them to be happy, genuinely, I want them to be safe, I want... I want this to never have happened...
[He digs his fingers into the plush of the carpet, crying more openly now.]
Why am I so weak, Hades?.. Why am I such a fool?
no subject
Date: 2021-02-14 12:22 am (UTC)[He would normally hold his hand but he doesn't not want to scare him. He gives him a fond smile instead.]
Weak and foolish? You are neither. I have the privilege of being spoiled at what your true nature holds as you begin your journey regaining your memories and making new ones. You will change and grow, yes, but there are parts of you that will always be you, Hythlodaeus.
Kind. Compassionate. Inquisitive. Able to corral this grumpy man when he's being particularly stubborn.
And it never hurts to try to love, my friend. To look for connection. To open your heart. That I learned from you. Yes, sometimes it will hurt, strike at your very core, but in the end you'll find those that make it all worth it.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-15 02:54 pm (UTC)Vergil--told me I can teach people t-to be kinder-- but I keep thinking that maybe... maybe I should learn how not to care, instead...
[He curls up more, hiding his face in his arms.]
And I-- I try, but I hate it too, and I don't know what to do...
no subject
Date: 2021-02-18 08:16 am (UTC)My heart does yearn what is best for you, my friend. And no matter what happens, I will always care for you. This pain you feel will dull over time, replaced with better memories. At least that I can try to promise you.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 06:16 am (UTC)I want to die, Hades...
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 06:59 am (UTC)[And he sure is speaking in that warbly language of the ancients.]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 07:21 am (UTC)P-Please... I asked Five, yesterday, I could--I could finally rest, but then when I'm awake, I remember...
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 07:25 am (UTC)He did tell me, and that was kind of him. And when sleep takes you, I will steer your dreams into something more pleasant.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 07:30 am (UTC)...Promise? Hades, I'm--I'm scared to let... to let anyone into my mind...
[He takes a shaky breath, helpless tears welling up in his eyes.]
I don't want to be scared, I hate it, but, but it's there, it's not leaving, I don't feel safe anywhere--
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 07:35 am (UTC)I promise you, Hythlodaeus. Somewhere calm and quiet. I can also give you shared control of the dream, but I will reign it in would you fears begin to manifest in terrible ways.
Just take a deep breathe. You are in the company of someone who loves you very much. I will care for you as much as I am able. You never need be alone.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 07:46 am (UTC)[That seems to be a revelation to him, and one that's... incredibly soothing, actually. What he needs is to have more control again, over himself, over his space, over his life--]
...could I... or could you--use it to make my body feel mine again?..
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 07:58 am (UTC)[He puts his chin in his hand.]
I could try. Or at the very least I could attempt to soothe your soul. But it would be a temporary measure.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 08:00 am (UTC)...One day at a time. One moment at a time. Temporary is better than nothing, Hades...
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 08:11 am (UTC)I would suspect you have trouble falling asleep on your own.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-19 11:56 am (UTC)[The question is a whisper and even as he says it Hythlodaeus knows that the answer is no, that letting himself get lost in dreams is no real way out. But it is painful indeed to contemplate returning to reality if he is given a taste of peace, of comfort again.]
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