[You are greeted with the sound of randomly disrupted static, at the end of which three melodic beeping signals are heard. Yep, that's your cue to leave a message!]
[Aaaannnnd it opens! Levity is there--he's taken to wearing the mask in public these days, but he doesn't wear it at the dorm. Despite the sounder sleep he got last night thanks to Five's abilities, he still looks exhausted, but does give Hades a small smile.]
Come in. I've just set the tea to boil... Cosmo brought me some yesterday.
[The gift is absolutely unexpected, and maybe it's because he's taken by surprise that it makes Hythlodaeus chuckle as he accepts the toy.]
Ah... I do not know what creature this is, but I will take you at your word. It would rather fit in with the sleepover room...
[Ah, the reason for their meeting, though. He looks away, silent for a time.]
...I don't know. I both do and don't. But it... may be good. At least before I...
[He sighs, shaking his head.]
Let us not get ahead of ourselves. Let me get the tea and we can go.
[He'll go pick up the tray with the teacups and some cupcakes from the kitchen and then lead the way to the FiN sleepover room. Take your shoes off when you come in, if you don't walk on the fluffy carpet with bare feet you're wasting your and all of FiN's time.]
[He helps him carry anything and does remove his shoes when entering the room so obviously made for sleeping. He also seem rather content at the level of lighting.
He sits down next to a Jyanta looking at it fondly as motions for Levity to sit next to him.]
We used to have a pair of lovebirds between BARiTONES and Future is Now. Silence and Wildfire. They ended up joining each other after leaving here and I do get letters from Wildfire every so often.
[He does come to sit down nearby, but not too close and in such a way that they're facing each other rather than side to side.]
Ah... Alas, I know next to nothing about the former members of our unit. But I suppose...
[Well, he was going to say that now it's him and Lily who are the lovebirds between their units, but. That unfortunately makes him think about the rest of his relationships with BARiTONES, and. well.
He shakes his head softly.]
Ah, do not mind it. But I know Five spoke very fondly of Wildfire.
The joke was he was our adopted child. We both watched over him in our own way. He had the most pure, simple life. Inspiring really.
[He gives him a teacup to hold.]
Lahabrea had a bad experience after the game and holding warm things seemed to soothe him. He didn't drink much of it, but we cycled out the tea when it returned to room temperature. Perhaps something similar would be soothing for you.
Of course you did. It is in both of your nature. Though now I am hurt Five would not think so highly of me.
[He's being overdramatic at the last part. But then he puts a hand very slowly, very carefully on Hythlodaeus' knee.]
You have many upon which you can rely. All of us eager and willing to help. Take the time you need. We will be patient. And you are truly loved, my dear friend. Do let that warm your heart when your mind wanders to cold places.
[He opens his mouth to reply to that first part, but then freezes, watching Hades's hand, his breathing speeding up, fingers beginning to tremble. That peculiar dizziness fills his mind again, tainting Hades's caring words with remembrance of that sickly-sweet voice, hiding sadism under an obviously faked veneer of affection, because it was more fun that way, because it was amusing to watch how desperate Hythlodaeus was to let himself be deceived and escape a little bit of horror...
He scrambles away from Hades, chest heaving in anxiety, stares at him wild-eyed. He feels sick.]
[The fact that Hades pulls away quickly at least stops his panic from rising further, but does not exactly lessen it. Hythlodaeus is still breathing rapidly, trembling, hunched up in a defensive pose.]
You... You don't know?
[He tries to take a deeper breath, swallows a lump in his throat.]
Hythlodaeus feels the urge to laugh--though the word is technically accurate, it also feels so... bare, in a sense, compared to what he'd gone through. That's like saying that the ocean is on the deeper side.
But the impulse leaves as quickly as it came, filling him with a kind of empty bitterness instead.]
...Dehumanizing is what it was. And--horrifying. I had to kill myself to escape. Had the nails still. From the boards. Stabbed one in my throat. Still feel it there sometimes. Still feel his hands on me. Want to claw my skin off.
[He breathes more deeply, trying to chase away the vertigo that remembering brings in him.]
...No. I... I know you mean well, but--I don't want to go through that again.
[Hythlodaeus clenches his fists, bitter tears welling up in his eyes.]
...D.Va was there too, and--when she found out... She cried and begged me to forgive her, because--because she couldn't protect me, she thinks it's her fault, she thinks she failed me--
[He bites at his lip, sucking in a shaky breath.]
Do you know how that feels? To know she blames herself?
Re: cw absinthe means literally every cw you can think of, likely
Does it make you remember before you forget? I wonder. I don't have the ability thus I would not know.
[He looks back up at the ceiling.]
Of course. How could I not?
And you would focus on that. The suffering of others. Your kindness and thoughtfulness ever at the forefront. But know that the fault is not hers nor yours. Do not hold onto this unnecessary burden.
You are important. Whatever worries, whatever fears, whatever pain claws at you ... you do not need to hide from it. I cannot speak for the others, but in the end you being content, being comfortable, knowing that you have others to lean on is what matters. And despite what your mind might say, caring for you is neither burden nor chore. There is very little I would not do for your sake.
Lily and D.Va are younger. They lack self-esteem and are still growing and learning, but I highly doubt they want perfection or complete composure from you.
Your companionship is sought out for you and all that you are. To cherish the pleasant times and support you in the difficult ones. Just as you would for them. I doubt you would be pleased if they hid their worries and concerns for your sake.
[Hythlodaeus is tense, at first - uncertain what will be said, wary of trusting anyone and anything. But it... helps. His mind has been running in circles, guilt and self-hatred and desperate need for an answer as to why all weighing brutally on him. And it's hard to remember that he's a person, not a thing, that caring for him is not a burden on others.
He closes his eyes halfways through Hades's words, tears welling up. Though it's been such a short time, he's already so starved for comfort.]
...Of course I don't want them to hide anything from me... I think--I think Lily tries, and I cannot bear it... I want--I want them to be happy, genuinely, I want them to be safe, I want... I want this to never have happened...
[He digs his fingers into the plush of the carpet, crying more openly now.]
I know you do. You want them to be happy, safe, content, because you love them. And it is something you should strive for. But perhaps not like this.
[He would normally hold his hand but he doesn't not want to scare him. He gives him a fond smile instead.]
Weak and foolish? You are neither. I have the privilege of being spoiled at what your true nature holds as you begin your journey regaining your memories and making new ones. You will change and grow, yes, but there are parts of you that will always be you, Hythlodaeus.
Kind. Compassionate. Inquisitive. Able to corral this grumpy man when he's being particularly stubborn.
And it never hurts to try to love, my friend. To look for connection. To open your heart. That I learned from you. Yes, sometimes it will hurt, strike at your very core, but in the end you'll find those that make it all worth it.
[It is quite painful to watch him and not be able to physically comfort him.]
My heart does yearn what is best for you, my friend. And no matter what happens, I will always care for you. This pain you feel will dull over time, replaced with better memories. At least that I can try to promise you.
[He simply... lets himself cry for a time. He wants to believe what Hades is saying, he really does, but... It's hard, right now, when his nearly every moment is haunted by memories.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Day 328
Come in. I've just set the tea to boil... Cosmo brought me some yesterday.
Re: Day 328
I'll have you know these are mischievous and heartwarming like you.
And before we begin, if you do not wish to speak, you do not need to. I just wish to offer you company in any manner that would help.
Re: Day 328
Ah... I do not know what creature this is, but I will take you at your word. It would rather fit in with the sleepover room...
[Ah, the reason for their meeting, though. He looks away, silent for a time.]
...I don't know. I both do and don't. But it... may be good. At least before I...
[He sighs, shaking his head.]
Let us not get ahead of ourselves. Let me get the tea and we can go.
[He'll go pick up the tray with the teacups and some cupcakes from the kitchen and then lead the way to the FiN sleepover room. Take your shoes off when you come in, if you don't walk on the fluffy carpet with bare feet you're wasting your and all of FiN's time.]
Re: Day 328
He sits down next to a Jyanta looking at it fondly as motions for Levity to sit next to him.]
We used to have a pair of lovebirds between BARiTONES and Future is Now. Silence and Wildfire. They ended up joining each other after leaving here and I do get letters from Wildfire every so often.
Re: Day 328
Ah... Alas, I know next to nothing about the former members of our unit. But I suppose...
[Well, he was going to say that now it's him and Lily who are the lovebirds between their units, but. That unfortunately makes him think about the rest of his relationships with BARiTONES, and. well.
He shakes his head softly.]
Ah, do not mind it. But I know Five spoke very fondly of Wildfire.
Re: Day 328
[He gives him a teacup to hold.]
Lahabrea had a bad experience after the game and holding warm things seemed to soothe him. He didn't drink much of it, but we cycled out the tea when it returned to room temperature. Perhaps something similar would be soothing for you.
Re: Day 328
[Teacup! He runs his thumbs along the rim slowly.]
...Vergil brought me hot chocolate. That was good, too...
[He breathes out slowly, face falling.]
I am... trying not to think. As much as I can. It's been...
[...]
But I am--still here. A day at a time. A moment at a time...
Re: Day 328
Of course you did. It is in both of your nature. Though now I am hurt Five would not think so highly of me.
[He's being overdramatic at the last part. But then he puts a hand very slowly, very carefully on Hythlodaeus' knee.]
You have many upon which you can rely. All of us eager and willing to help. Take the time you need. We will be patient. And you are truly loved, my dear friend. Do let that warm your heart when your mind wanders to cold places.
Re: Day 328
He scrambles away from Hades, chest heaving in anxiety, stares at him wild-eyed. He feels sick.]
N-No. Don't. Don't touch me. Don't--
Re: Day 328
Whose souls did you travel in?
Re: Day 328
You... You don't know?
[He tries to take a deeper breath, swallows a lump in his throat.]
If--If you guess--don't say his name. Don't.
Re: Day 328
You have my deepest sympathies. It must have been painful.
cw uh. aftermath of absinthe. suicidal ideation suicide mention vague reference to sexual assault
Haha.
Hahaha.
Hythlodaeus feels the urge to laugh--though the word is technically accurate, it also feels so... bare, in a sense, compared to what he'd gone through. That's like saying that the ocean is on the deeper side.
But the impulse leaves as quickly as it came, filling him with a kind of empty bitterness instead.]
...Dehumanizing is what it was. And--horrifying. I had to kill myself to escape. Had the nails still. From the boards. Stabbed one in my throat. Still feel it there sometimes. Still feel his hands on me. Want to claw my skin off.
honestly cw absinthe should just be a thing
You could get rid of it. The memory. If you so wished.
cw absinthe means literally every cw you can think of, likely
...No. I... I know you mean well, but--I don't want to go through that again.
[Hythlodaeus clenches his fists, bitter tears welling up in his eyes.]
...D.Va was there too, and--when she found out... She cried and begged me to forgive her, because--because she couldn't protect me, she thinks it's her fault, she thinks she failed me--
[He bites at his lip, sucking in a shaky breath.]
Do you know how that feels? To know she blames herself?
Re: cw absinthe means literally every cw you can think of, likely
[He looks back up at the ceiling.]
Of course. How could I not?
And you would focus on that. The suffering of others. Your kindness and thoughtfulness ever at the forefront. But know that the fault is not hers nor yours. Do not hold onto this unnecessary burden.
no subject
[He breathes out heavily, runs a hand down his face.]
I don't--I don't care what happens to me, but I cannot bear to see her like this. And Lily, too. I--I'll live through what he's done to me, but--
[Hythlodaeus clenches his fists, struggling with unfamiliar feelings. Anger is the strongest of them, but who - or what - should it be directed at?
He stays silent for a while, mind too full of words, then breathes out.]
I just... I just want them to be alright, to be happy again... To never have to worry about me...
no subject
He pats the spot next to him.]
Come here. I will refrain from touching you or any sudden movements.
no subject
What is it?..
no subject
Lily and D.Va are younger. They lack self-esteem and are still growing and learning, but I highly doubt they want perfection or complete composure from you.
Your companionship is sought out for you and all that you are. To cherish the pleasant times and support you in the difficult ones. Just as you would for them. I doubt you would be pleased if they hid their worries and concerns for your sake.
no subject
He closes his eyes halfways through Hades's words, tears welling up. Though it's been such a short time, he's already so starved for comfort.]
...Of course I don't want them to hide anything from me... I think--I think Lily tries, and I cannot bear it... I want--I want them to be happy, genuinely, I want them to be safe, I want... I want this to never have happened...
[He digs his fingers into the plush of the carpet, crying more openly now.]
Why am I so weak, Hades?.. Why am I such a fool?
no subject
[He would normally hold his hand but he doesn't not want to scare him. He gives him a fond smile instead.]
Weak and foolish? You are neither. I have the privilege of being spoiled at what your true nature holds as you begin your journey regaining your memories and making new ones. You will change and grow, yes, but there are parts of you that will always be you, Hythlodaeus.
Kind. Compassionate. Inquisitive. Able to corral this grumpy man when he's being particularly stubborn.
And it never hurts to try to love, my friend. To look for connection. To open your heart. That I learned from you. Yes, sometimes it will hurt, strike at your very core, but in the end you'll find those that make it all worth it.
no subject
Vergil--told me I can teach people t-to be kinder-- but I keep thinking that maybe... maybe I should learn how not to care, instead...
[He curls up more, hiding his face in his arms.]
And I-- I try, but I hate it too, and I don't know what to do...
no subject
My heart does yearn what is best for you, my friend. And no matter what happens, I will always care for you. This pain you feel will dull over time, replaced with better memories. At least that I can try to promise you.
no subject
I want to die, Hades...
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)