[You are greeted with the sound of randomly disrupted static, at the end of which three melodic beeping signals are heard. Yep, that's your cue to leave a message!]
...but I will admit that--it was the much more merciful death for me.
[It dawns on Levity that maybe he wants to talk about it, just a little, with someone who can understand. He takes a sip of his tea slowly, trying to gather his thoughts.]
I... I have to confess that while I found it hard to face--most aspects of it, really... I know that it was easier on me than it would have been on others. At least, until--until that room...
[He falls silent for a bit, then shakes his head to chase away the remembrance.]
And yet that, too, is unpleasant. There was... another place I visited, that... I am certain that if I had been anyone else, I would go through some... terrible things, likely. Yet that was not the case for me.
[...]
Maybe that's--that's why--I thought it would...
[Levity trails off, staring at the floor. He looks miserable.]
...He... let me out immediately, yes. I came back later... to light some of the candles--it was so dark, and I wanted...
[He feels bile rise in his throat. He wanted to be kind, he wanted things to be brighter. He was an idiot.]
He did--warn me that some parts of his soul might want to hurt me. But I thought it to be Som--the man in the field, or even... or even that version of you. In the kitchen.
[Listen it was baby's first heart he didn't even know how these things work.]
[ he's not super keen on influencing levity's opinion one way or the other—but maybe this will comfort him. ]
It's possible that he would not have hurt you—that he would have been able to preserve himself—if that overgrowth was not so present. I did notice that the dungeon was the only place wherein that corruption was not present.
[ softly ]
Perhaps, that is why he had any mind to be able to hold himself back in that room—perhaps that is why the other rooms were so volatile. I could not say, but—when I eliminated the corruption in the bedroom, the being in the closet disappeared.
[He listens, breathing quietly, anxiety churning his gut. A part of him does want to believe that Absinthe cares for him in truth, that it was just... some outside influence. But it's so hard to separate whether that is what he truly wants to think or if it's just that terrified part of him, the one that hoped that belief can replace reality, that if he pretends enough it won't hurt as much, it won't damage him as badly.
It's a tangled mess, but unfortunately the last part just makes it worse. Levity stares at the floor, unseeing, feeling an abyss open up within him. He didn't... even find the actual source of the corruption, then. It was all for nothing. The stupidest mistake he could have made, and now he doesn't even have the shield of having tried to help. He was just... an idiot.
Slowly, he transfers his gaze to the cup in his hand. Maybe if he breaks it he will end up with a piece sharp enough to cut his throat with again. Or... the teaspoon... make into a knife--or, ahah, a nail, stab himself again, however painful it was, and being unable to even scream, and the blood in his lungs, and...]
[DO NOT @ HIM????? Levity actually flinches at the mortifying ordeal of being known, fingers digging into his palms, body tense, breath coming faster.]
[No, what he's actually going to do is cry :'( but at least rather than the tears of a self-hating breakdown it's more... helpless, vulnerable, at knowing that it wasn't just him, that someone understands how he feels. That maybe, just maybe, blaming himself is unreasonable--because it would mean blaming Lucifel, too, when he is strong and kind and caring.
...Why is it so that caring for others is a mistake in this world? Why is it apparently weak, laughable, naive, something to break, even by those very same people who want and need it?
Maybe it would be better if he could articulate it, but as it is Levity can only cry, pulling up his knees to his chest to hide his face in them.]
[ the deeply, deeply unfortunate part about all of this is that lucifel isn't really in a better headspace himself—food is food is food is food—but he can, at least, pretend that he is, so that he can walk levity through his own pain.
though, perhaps not right now—what can he do for levity right now, when he needs to get his pain out but he can't be touched?
persephone would do this for him—he would sing. so, he lets levity cry—if someone who's very nearly a stranger can make him cry so heavily, he's certain levity needs it—while he hums a soothing, hymnal sort of tune with a low, steady voice. ]
Edited ((i just wanted to add the ellipses it paces better in my head sorry)) 2021-02-14 13:11 (UTC)
luci stop being food!!!! also big debression vibes here
[The singing does, in fact, help - Lily sings to him too, and Levity generally finds great relief in music. Of course, it's not a way to stop crying, but it helps him coast through it more easily, his sobs eventually subsiding to quiet sniffling.
He feels so exhausted. He's tired of the nightmares, of remembering, of the way his body feels disgusting and alien now, of the constant background terror, of the way anger burns him out, whenever he manages to be angry instead of terrified. Of the acid in his insides and the way food doesn't taste like anything anymore and the way words fall apart in his mind when he tries to read and the way the world seems to be so much smaller, so much duller now.
He's so tired.
Levity lets himself stay curled up like that, just... listening to Lucifel's voice. The repeating patterns of the hymn help soothe him, draw his mind away from the bleak depths he usually finds himself in these days. Little by little, he lets his breath even out, even as he still shivers.]
[He actually looks a little flustered, but in a good way - and certainly more alive than before.]
Ah--no, in fact. I would be happy to share what I write, if you would wish to see. I've yet to write things that would truly be kept private by their nature or the subjects they address...
Ah, thank you so much. I am glad you enjoy them--I am not trained, truly, and it is possible that I break whatever conventions there are when it comes to composing poetry.
[He looks aside, smiling.]
...She was very happy. O-Or, well... She ended up crying, and I thought it was because I said something wrong, but it was simply that she was not used to such gestures. Which is why... I want to do more for her. And write more for her.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ pressing a hand to his own chest ]
. . . That heart was difficult to move through. A certain level of—ruthlessness, and willingness to kill, was necessary to survive in it.
no subject
[He exhales quietly.]
...but I will admit that--it was the much more merciful death for me.
[It dawns on Levity that maybe he wants to talk about it, just a little, with someone who can understand. He takes a sip of his tea slowly, trying to gather his thoughts.]
I... I have to confess that while I found it hard to face--most aspects of it, really... I know that it was easier on me than it would have been on others. At least, until--until that room...
[He falls silent for a bit, then shakes his head to chase away the remembrance.]
And yet that, too, is unpleasant. There was... another place I visited, that... I am certain that if I had been anyone else, I would go through some... terrible things, likely. Yet that was not the case for me.
[...]
Maybe that's--that's why--I thought it would...
[Levity trails off, staring at the floor. He looks miserable.]
no subject
. . . The dungeon—I'm sure he didn't lay a finger on you.
So, you thought that would be upheld in every part of his heart . . . ?
[ no judgment in tone, just encouraging him to talk ]
no subject
...He... let me out immediately, yes. I came back later... to light some of the candles--it was so dark, and I wanted...
[He feels bile rise in his throat. He wanted to be kind, he wanted things to be brighter. He was an idiot.]
He did--warn me that some parts of his soul might want to hurt me. But I thought it to be Som--the man in the field, or even... or even that version of you. In the kitchen.
[Listen it was baby's first heart he didn't even know how these things work.]
no subject
. . .
[ he's not super keen on influencing levity's opinion one way or the other—but maybe this will comfort him. ]
It's possible that he would not have hurt you—that he would have been able to preserve himself—if that overgrowth was not so present. I did notice that the dungeon was the only place wherein that corruption was not present.
[ softly ]
Perhaps, that is why he had any mind to be able to hold himself back in that room—perhaps that is why the other rooms were so volatile. I could not say, but—when I eliminated the corruption in the bedroom, the being in the closet disappeared.
cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
It's a tangled mess, but unfortunately the last part just makes it worse. Levity stares at the floor, unseeing, feeling an abyss open up within him. He didn't... even find the actual source of the corruption, then. It was all for nothing. The stupidest mistake he could have made, and now he doesn't even have the shield of having tried to help. He was just... an idiot.
Slowly, he transfers his gaze to the cup in his hand. Maybe if he breaks it he will end up with a piece sharp enough to cut his throat with again. Or... the teaspoon... make into a knife--or, ahah, a nail, stab himself again, however painful it was, and being unable to even scream, and the blood in his lungs, and...]
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
[ in a low tone, slow, but in a firm one—to try breaking him out of his reverie ]
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
...I'm an idiot. Worse. I just...
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
[ shifting again, back to crouching for him ]
"It's my fault for letting myself get hurt. Even though I was warned, I made a mistake, and it was for nothing."
. . . Is that what you're thinking, now?
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
I-I--
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
[ with a reassuring tone, a little softer ]
It's alright, Levity-san. Please, breathe slowly.
Re: cw suicidal shit baybey!!!!
...Why is it so that caring for others is a mistake in this world? Why is it apparently weak, laughable, naive, something to break, even by those very same people who want and need it?
Maybe it would be better if he could articulate it, but as it is Levity can only cry, pulling up his knees to his chest to hide his face in them.]
cannibalism implications
[ the deeply, deeply unfortunate part about all of this is that lucifel isn't really in a better headspace himself—food is food is food is food—but he can, at least, pretend that he is, so that he can walk levity through his own pain.
though, perhaps not right now—what can he do for levity right now, when he needs to get his pain out but he can't be touched?
persephone would do this for him—he would sing. so, he lets levity cry—if someone who's very nearly a stranger can make him cry so heavily, he's certain levity needs it—while he hums a soothing, hymnal sort of tune with a low, steady voice. ]
luci stop being food!!!! also big debression vibes here
He feels so exhausted. He's tired of the nightmares, of remembering, of the way his body feels disgusting and alien now, of the constant background terror, of the way anger burns him out, whenever he manages to be angry instead of terrified. Of the acid in his insides and the way food doesn't taste like anything anymore and the way words fall apart in his mind when he tries to read and the way the world seems to be so much smaller, so much duller now.
He's so tired.
Levity lets himself stay curled up like that, just... listening to Lucifel's voice. The repeating patterns of the hymn help soothe him, draw his mind away from the bleak depths he usually finds himself in these days. Little by little, he lets his breath even out, even as he still shivers.]
...thank you, Lucifel.
he is food
How do you feel . . . ?
stop! being food!
[It's the best there is for him at the moment, really.]
Re: stop! being food!
[ pause ]
What do you like to do in your spare time? Besides playing phone games, that is.
no subject
...I like reading. Learning new things. I... write poems, sometimes. Mostly for Lily--my girlfriend. I know not if you know her...
no subject
I am indeed—we've met on occasion, and played together on occasion.
I suppose if they're for her, they're not to be shared with others?
no subject
Ah--no, in fact. I would be happy to share what I write, if you would wish to see. I've yet to write things that would truly be kept private by their nature or the subjects they address...
no subject
no subject
[He actually keeps the Embarrassment Notebook on him at all times and happily hands it over.
The last one is not for Lily, but, uh, he hasn't been thinking about that.]
no subject
. . . Levity-san is quite the romantic. Ah . . .
[ with a gesture to the second poem (day 315 date), not touching the paper ]
They are all elegant, but this in particular—I enjoy its simplicity. Was she happy to read it?
no subject
Ah, thank you so much. I am glad you enjoy them--I am not trained, truly, and it is possible that I break whatever conventions there are when it comes to composing poetry.
[He looks aside, smiling.]
...She was very happy. O-Or, well... She ended up crying, and I thought it was because I said something wrong, but it was simply that she was not used to such gestures. Which is why... I want to do more for her. And write more for her.
no subject
[ with a softness to his smile ]
You should certainly write more. I think you have a knack for this.
Of course, then it would not only be for her—perhaps you could write of other things, too. Your favorite things and experiences, and the like.
luci answer ur own inbox also!!!
OH. I THOUGHT IT WAS DELETED MY BAD
dw is rude........
single tear
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)