Entry tags:
[ rip
smoothly, deliberately with a higher, agreeable inflection to soothe him ]
Of course, I understand. It would be too painful to do so—I know.
[ he's foregone sitting in his seat but he won't be too close to levity; instead, he crouches nearby, at a lower angle so as to appear smaller, more harmless ]
You owe nothing to him—not your presence, nor your words, nor your grace.
. . . You are safe, here. This harm will not come to you again.
smoothly, deliberately with a higher, agreeable inflection to soothe him ]
Of course, I understand. It would be too painful to do so—I know.
[ he's foregone sitting in his seat but he won't be too close to levity; instead, he crouches nearby, at a lower angle so as to appear smaller, more harmless ]
You owe nothing to him—not your presence, nor your words, nor your grace.
. . . You are safe, here. This harm will not come to you again.
[The reassurance does help! His breathing evens out a little. It's... true. He doesn't owe anybody anything. It's his choice. The things he does, the things he says... they're going to be his choice.
He doesn't want to have those regrets again.]
...Thank you.
[Slowly, Levity rubs at his face, trying to wipe the remaining tears away.]
But it is... not just about me. D.Va... was there with me... but we were separated, and now she blames herself. For not saving me. When she didn't even know...
[He swallows thickly.]
I... What he did to me was--horrifying. I... I cannot kiss Lily anymore, or let D.Va hold me. I can't touch anyone. I can... barely look at myself in the mirror, or get dressed in the morning, I just--want to claw my skin off, and I want to die, every day...
[Levity takes a shaky breath.]
But I wasn't--I wasn't angry. But... D.Va cried, and begged me for forgiveness... and Lily tries to stay strong in front of me, but I know, I know just how much it hurts her, and--
I can... live through what he's done to me. One day at a time. One moment at a time. But I feel so furious and helpless at the thought of what he's done to them, and--and if it was any bloody use, I would face him myself. But--but it's not, and I can't do anything, just--just watch them be hurt and blame themselves.
He doesn't want to have those regrets again.]
...Thank you.
[Slowly, Levity rubs at his face, trying to wipe the remaining tears away.]
But it is... not just about me. D.Va... was there with me... but we were separated, and now she blames herself. For not saving me. When she didn't even know...
[He swallows thickly.]
I... What he did to me was--horrifying. I... I cannot kiss Lily anymore, or let D.Va hold me. I can't touch anyone. I can... barely look at myself in the mirror, or get dressed in the morning, I just--want to claw my skin off, and I want to die, every day...
[Levity takes a shaky breath.]
But I wasn't--I wasn't angry. But... D.Va cried, and begged me for forgiveness... and Lily tries to stay strong in front of me, but I know, I know just how much it hurts her, and--
I can... live through what he's done to me. One day at a time. One moment at a time. But I feel so furious and helpless at the thought of what he's done to them, and--and if it was any bloody use, I would face him myself. But--but it's not, and I can't do anything, just--just watch them be hurt and blame themselves.
Re: more sexual assault trauma plus suicidal tendencies
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maidenheaven
2021-02-13 11:46 am (UTC)(link)
. . . They are hurt, because of how deeply you were hurt—is that not so?
[ . . . ]
Though it might be too difficult now, they can only move on when you move on. ... And—it is difficult, to get better, but it is certainly possible. So long as you do not force yourself to do more than you can do at the time, and so long as you have the space to do so.
Until then, it is in their love for you that their hearts ache; there is naught else to be done for them but to let yourself heal.
[ . . . ]
Though it might be too difficult now, they can only move on when you move on. ... And—it is difficult, to get better, but it is certainly possible. So long as you do not force yourself to do more than you can do at the time, and so long as you have the space to do so.
Until then, it is in their love for you that their hearts ache; there is naught else to be done for them but to let yourself heal.
...I simply wish it had never happened in the first place. And... for them to know, truly know that it was not their fault.
[He sighs, feeling completely drained.]
...Jason suggested I turn to BAD END for help with... changing the memory. I was against it at first, but--it may be for the best now.
[He sighs, feeling completely drained.]
...Jason suggested I turn to BAD END for help with... changing the memory. I was against it at first, but--it may be for the best now.
. . . You don't wish to remove the memory entirely?
What good will it be, to change the memory so that the pain remains, but you don't know who to be wary of?
. . . I do not know if that ability can be used to remove the pain. If that were the case . . .
[ pauses, frowns ]
. . . Well, though, Jason-san would surely know more than I.
[ pauses, frowns ]
. . . Well, though, Jason-san would surely know more than I.
[ his gaze flickers down for a moment—
then, he looks up to him ]
In the meantime—if it's the pain that you want alleviated, might I suggest contacting a member of pep!pep! . . . ?
Their ability, Cloud Nine, may be what you seek for the pain, at least in the present.
then, he looks up to him ]
In the meantime—if it's the pain that you want alleviated, might I suggest contacting a member of pep!pep! . . . ?
Their ability, Cloud Nine, may be what you seek for the pain, at least in the present.
Edited 2021-02-13 12:55 (UTC)
[ :) have fun luci!]
I... don't know. I opposed that at first, too--it was...
[He breathes out quietly.]
He... manipulated my perception, too. Made it feel pleasant, at first--until it was no longer fun, of course.
[Gods, he feels like he's going to throw up just thinking about it.]
I... don't know. I opposed that at first, too--it was...
[He breathes out quietly.]
He... manipulated my perception, too. Made it feel pleasant, at first--until it was no longer fun, of course.
[Gods, he feels like he's going to throw up just thinking about it.]
The ability does not introduce pleasant feelings—it simply strips away the negative.
. . . For myself, I could recognize, still, intellectually, that something was "unpleasant"—but it did not reach me. I could feel that my heart was not swayed, and so I felt I could move forward without being overwhelmed by those emotions.
[ then, ]
I understand, if you don't wish to allow yourself to be affected by others in such a way. I can only give you my word that it will not be like that time—that it will be safe, and that any member of pep!pep! that administers the ability—[ like it's a medicine ]—will remove it immediately if you do not feel comfortable with it, or otherwise will not administer it again.
. . . For myself, I could recognize, still, intellectually, that something was "unpleasant"—but it did not reach me. I could feel that my heart was not swayed, and so I felt I could move forward without being overwhelmed by those emotions.
[ then, ]
I understand, if you don't wish to allow yourself to be affected by others in such a way. I can only give you my word that it will not be like that time—that it will be safe, and that any member of pep!pep! that administers the ability—[ like it's a medicine ]—will remove it immediately if you do not feel comfortable with it, or otherwise will not administer it again.
[Hythlodaeus is tense, at first - uncertain what will be said, wary of trusting anyone and anything. But it... helps. His mind has been running in circles, guilt and self-hatred and desperate need for an answer as to why all weighing brutally on him. And it's hard to remember that he's a person, not a thing, that caring for him is not a burden on others.
He closes his eyes halfways through Hades's words, tears welling up. Though it's been such a short time, he's already so starved for comfort.]
...Of course I don't want them to hide anything from me... I think--I think Lily tries, and I cannot bear it... I want--I want them to be happy, genuinely, I want them to be safe, I want... I want this to never have happened...
[He digs his fingers into the plush of the carpet, crying more openly now.]
Why am I so weak, Hades?.. Why am I such a fool?
He closes his eyes halfways through Hades's words, tears welling up. Though it's been such a short time, he's already so starved for comfort.]
...Of course I don't want them to hide anything from me... I think--I think Lily tries, and I cannot bear it... I want--I want them to be happy, genuinely, I want them to be safe, I want... I want this to never have happened...
[He digs his fingers into the plush of the carpet, crying more openly now.]
Why am I so weak, Hades?.. Why am I such a fool?
[He looks at the floor for a time, thinking about it. It... it does sound like what he needs. To be able to distance himself from this, to finally be able to sleep again, maybe even kiss Lily again.
He misses her so much.]
You've... used it before, too?
He misses her so much.]
You've... used it before, too?
A number of times.
. . . It's saved me from great pain, when I needed something like that the most. I'm grateful to the members of pep!pep! who took care of me then.
. . . It's saved me from great pain, when I needed something like that the most. I'm grateful to the members of pep!pep! who took care of me then.
I understand the fear. ... But, I find. . . . those fears of mine were hardly ever rewarded. None have turned me away in my time of need, and I received no judgment—only sympathy. My humanity was respected.
If you would like me to contact someone, I can. But I'm sure Sky-san can do it for you, if that person has the ability or funds to purchase the ability.
[ pausing—in a lighter tone, ]
Would you like to try a brownie? I've read that chocolate does wonders for one's mood.
If you would like me to contact someone, I can. But I'm sure Sky-san can do it for you, if that person has the ability or funds to purchase the ability.
[ pausing—in a lighter tone, ]
Would you like to try a brownie? I've read that chocolate does wonders for one's mood.
[He smiles at the transition. Lucifel is sweet... er, edit that thought. Lucifel is kind. There we go.]
Indeed. Vergil brought me some hot chocolate, on the night after we all woke up... It was wonderful.
[Taking! A brownie!]
Thank you for coming to talk to me, Lucifel. I... do feel a little calmer. And, though it is selfish of me to say, and I wish with all my heart that we didn't both experience such things... it is good to know that someone understands.
Indeed. Vergil brought me some hot chocolate, on the night after we all woke up... It was wonderful.
[Taking! A brownie!]
Thank you for coming to talk to me, Lucifel. I... do feel a little calmer. And, though it is selfish of me to say, and I wish with all my heart that we didn't both experience such things... it is good to know that someone understands.
It isn't selfish—if I could bring even a little comfort to you with my presence, then I'm satisfied with that much.
[ with a soft smile, ]
And, I'm glad to finally meet you, though the circumstances are poor.
[ with a soft smile, ]
And, I'm glad to finally meet you, though the circumstances are poor.
I know you do. You want them to be happy, safe, content, because you love them. And it is something you should strive for. But perhaps not like this.
[He would normally hold his hand but he doesn't not want to scare him. He gives him a fond smile instead.]
Weak and foolish? You are neither. I have the privilege of being spoiled at what your true nature holds as you begin your journey regaining your memories and making new ones. You will change and grow, yes, but there are parts of you that will always be you, Hythlodaeus.
Kind. Compassionate. Inquisitive. Able to corral this grumpy man when he's being particularly stubborn.
And it never hurts to try to love, my friend. To look for connection. To open your heart. That I learned from you. Yes, sometimes it will hurt, strike at your very core, but in the end you'll find those that make it all worth it.
[He would normally hold his hand but he doesn't not want to scare him. He gives him a fond smile instead.]
Weak and foolish? You are neither. I have the privilege of being spoiled at what your true nature holds as you begin your journey regaining your memories and making new ones. You will change and grow, yes, but there are parts of you that will always be you, Hythlodaeus.
Kind. Compassionate. Inquisitive. Able to corral this grumpy man when he's being particularly stubborn.
And it never hurts to try to love, my friend. To look for connection. To open your heart. That I learned from you. Yes, sometimes it will hurt, strike at your very core, but in the end you'll find those that make it all worth it.
[u got that right, luci]
Likewise. But I am certain we can put the circumstances of our meeting behind us--not to mention that we technically first met in the game. A much more pleasant first encounter. I really am quite impressed by how level-headed and logical you are, not to mention pleasant company overall.
Likewise. But I am certain we can put the circumstances of our meeting behind us--not to mention that we technically first met in the game. A much more pleasant first encounter. I really am quite impressed by how level-headed and logical you are, not to mention pleasant company overall.
Your words are too kind, Levity-san—but I'm glad you find my company pleasant, despite my forwardness. You are quite kind, to indulge me so.
. . . And, I would ask you to continue that—though we've only met infrequently thus far, if I can be a source of comfort to your worries, I'd like to be that. Ah—and if you have need of healing, of course, you can always contact me.
. . . And, I would ask you to continue that—though we've only met infrequently thus far, if I can be a source of comfort to your worries, I'd like to be that. Ah—and if you have need of healing, of course, you can always contact me.
[He tilts his head curiously.]
Do you think yourself forward? The word seems to usually imply a degree of negativity. I would call you open and honest, instead--admirable qualities, to my eye.
And... thank you. I would certainly love to spend more time with you. As for healing--I do hope I will not need it often, but... I am grateful for the offer. On my end, if there is anything you need repaired or built, I am at your service.
[He touches his chest thoughtfully.]
...Remind me - can sensitIV remove scars?
Do you think yourself forward? The word seems to usually imply a degree of negativity. I would call you open and honest, instead--admirable qualities, to my eye.
And... thank you. I would certainly love to spend more time with you. As for healing--I do hope I will not need it often, but... I am grateful for the offer. On my end, if there is anything you need repaired or built, I am at your service.
[He touches his chest thoughtfully.]
...Remind me - can sensitIV remove scars?
[ just kind of laughs a little sheepishly at the compliments ]
Page 9 of 83