[You are greeted with the sound of randomly disrupted static, at the end of which three melodic beeping signals are heard. Yep, that's your cue to leave a message!]
[Wowee everyone here is very okay and healthy! Levity looks at Vergil with some concern, realizing that maybe it wasn't the best idea to remind Vergil that his child self had to fight those knights--but with the change of topic it's Levity's turn to freeze. Could he use a hug?
...He could. He really could. He's been forcing himself to go on and on because stopping meant thinking about what happened, but that meant that there was never any way for him to deal with the pain. And he wants comfort so badly, to not feel sick about being in his own body again, for things to not have happened--
Levity hangs his head, slowly raises a hand to cover his eyes, starting to tremble. He does want comfort, except he'll never get it now. He couldn't even let Cosmo or Lily touch him.]
He watches that, frowning a little because he does know that feeling of desperately not wanting to be touched, because of that specific trauma. ...But he doesn't know the cause in this case.]
Not at all? Hm. [He nods.] Well, when you do, Levity, I will. Or anything you need.
...I haven't asked. Do you prefer Levity or Hythlodaeus?
[...no, actually, you know what. He grits his teeth, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve - fuck that, he hates that reaction, he's never letting himself cry again, not when it makes him remember the laughter and the feeling of Absinthe's tongue on his skin, licking up the tears. Disgusting.
He stands up to come closer to Vergil, and... reaches out to take his hand.]
...I can do this. So... Not yet, but one day... I would love that. You made me feel really safe.
[He sniffles, wiping at his face stubbornly.]
And... I don't know, but I think--I would like to stop being Levity for a while. Can't do shite about the body, but might as well change the name. Not like it fits anymore.
[We are now in the angry stage and the rapid mood swings are normal, nothing to worry about.]
You don't need to be lighthearted all the time just because of your name.
I just thought...to me, my real name matters. I never wanted to be given another despite being unable to remember it. I would rather not have one at all than be someone other than myself.
To some that new name is who they are, now removed from who they were before the amnesia.
Either way can be a comfort. Holding on to an identity. ...When I think of certain things, sometimes I forget, I get lost in it and start to think that I am...not myself.
That is rather specific to myself but I think feeling that you know who you are can be grounding in any situation. Such as hearing the right name. Which may be a case of passing the bad off onto one...but overcoming difficulty is part of who you are too. I'm sure Hythlodaeus has too, even if this pain is much worse. Don't forget that. I know you can make it...regardless of how impossible it may feel to continue right now
But really I only wondered if one might make you happier than the other.
[You're getting the handholding throughout the whole speech. He missed non fucked up physical contact ok]
...Ah. I made you worry all for nothing...
[Emotional support Vergli helped, though! Levity actually smiles a little before technokinesis-ing a floaty cube chair closer to sit on it, closer to Vergil this time.]
I've thought a lot about names. I thought it didn't much matter to me because... I'm still myself, no matter what I am called. But now...
I can't help but want to separate them. And Hythlodaeus is someone who never had to go through... this. And a name that he never called me by. So... I want to keep it for when I am vulnerable. When I'm not strong enough to be Levity.
[He gives a one-shoulder shrug.]
...I suppose it's like I told Lahabrea. You can use whichever name feels more appropriate at the moment.
Thank you for caring about me, Vergil. It... means a lot more than you may think, right now.
[He shakes his head, setting his other hand on top of their already joined ones.]
No, I know. I may not know what happened, or how it feels, specifically. But I do know well how it is to feel helpless and weak, and to be afraid even of things that would give comfort. ...And to think that no one would care. Or that it is a burden on them.
But many of us do care very much, and it isn't any burden to try to help you.
Levity can't help blushing a little at the gesture - it's... very sweet, actually, at the extent of what he can handle right now and all the more meaningful because he knows expression is not Vergil's strong suite.]
...thank you. I really am grateful to know you.
[He smiles, softly, looking up at Vergil.]
That was how you felt when you were young, wasn't it? I hope you know, now, that you have people who care for you, too. I am not much use right now, but... if there's ever anything I could help you with, please ask.
[hey turns out it's easier to forget your own trauma if you throw yourself into fussing over others. lifehack]
[Lifehack!!! And no he sure does not know, unless it's other people with shitty senses of humour talking about that, then that makes sense...]
...Not quite. There was just a moment like that when I was a child. I am thinking mainly of things that are much more recent. Here, when I forget myself especially. Or shortly before I came here.
It does feel like a burden on others, it is difficult not to. But I know that isn't the case. They do remind me. Frankly, I know I won't ask, it isn't something I know how to do. But...thank you. You too, Hythlodaeus.
[It's ok Levity can just have a baby crush forever that he never acts on because Vergil is too cool for him. This is real middle schooler hours.
He rubs Vergil's hand with his thumb gently. It's reassuring, to still be able to have some form of contact and a certain manner of closeness. Vergil saying that he doesn't know how to ask people for help is also--very much like him, and very endearing in its way.]
I could ask you for help, to show you how it's done.
[...so Lahabrea cries. Hmmm. Right now Hythlodaeus doesn't have enough in him to ask about that, but that only reinforces the idea that he should be there for the man, too.
He shakes his head, smiling.]
Well, if you want something more difficult... try to ask me for something?
[Literally all of you deserve to be terrorised with soft!!!]
Something I could do for you? Like...
[He pauses thoughtfully.]
...come to visit you. Or repair or make something for you. Or simply hold your hand when you need reminding we care for you. Or even just discuss books or art.
If Emet-Selch and Lahabrea are not to do with it, then we will just have to bring you to Taisho while they visit. We do tend to split our time between the two more evenly these days, you will find them with us often.
They are, and Five is who I mean by "we". Since we four are all close, we often move in a pack, you see. But even when we are alone at Taisho, there is high chance of finding Five and me together. So. If you wish to see anyone, you can easily make it many at once.
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Re: 327 maybe??
...He could. He really could. He's been forcing himself to go on and on because stopping meant thinking about what happened, but that meant that there was never any way for him to deal with the pain. And he wants comfort so badly, to not feel sick about being in his own body again, for things to not have happened--
Levity hangs his head, slowly raises a hand to cover his eyes, starting to tremble. He does want comfort, except he'll never get it now. He couldn't even let Cosmo or Lily touch him.]
I could... I could, but... I can't...
Re: 327 maybe??
He watches that, frowning a little because he does know that feeling of desperately not wanting to be touched, because of that specific trauma. ...But he doesn't know the cause in this case.]
Not at all? Hm. [He nods.] Well, when you do, Levity, I will. Or anything you need.
...I haven't asked. Do you prefer Levity or Hythlodaeus?
Re: 327 maybe??
I'm sorry, Vergil... I would...
[...no, actually, you know what. He grits his teeth, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve - fuck that, he hates that reaction, he's never letting himself cry again, not when it makes him remember the laughter and the feeling of Absinthe's tongue on his skin, licking up the tears. Disgusting.
He stands up to come closer to Vergil, and... reaches out to take his hand.]
...I can do this. So... Not yet, but one day... I would love that. You made me feel really safe.
[He sniffles, wiping at his face stubbornly.]
And... I don't know, but I think--I would like to stop being Levity for a while. Can't do shite about the body, but might as well change the name. Not like it fits anymore.
[We are now in the angry stage and the rapid mood swings are normal, nothing to worry about.]
Re: 327 maybe??
You don't need to be lighthearted all the time just because of your name.
I just thought...to me, my real name matters. I never wanted to be given another despite being unable to remember it. I would rather not have one at all than be someone other than myself.
To some that new name is who they are, now removed from who they were before the amnesia.
Either way can be a comfort. Holding on to an identity. ...When I think of certain things, sometimes I forget, I get lost in it and start to think that I am...not myself.
That is rather specific to myself but I think feeling that you know who you are can be grounding in any situation. Such as hearing the right name. Which may be a case of passing the bad off onto one...but overcoming difficulty is part of who you are too. I'm sure Hythlodaeus has too, even if this pain is much worse. Don't forget that. I know you can make it...regardless of how impossible it may feel to continue right now
But really I only wondered if one might make you happier than the other.
Re: 327 maybe??
...Ah. I made you worry all for nothing...
[Emotional support Vergli helped, though! Levity actually smiles a little before technokinesis-ing a floaty cube chair closer to sit on it, closer to Vergil this time.]
I've thought a lot about names. I thought it didn't much matter to me because... I'm still myself, no matter what I am called. But now...
I can't help but want to separate them. And Hythlodaeus is someone who never had to go through... this. And a name that he never called me by. So... I want to keep it for when I am vulnerable. When I'm not strong enough to be Levity.
[He gives a one-shoulder shrug.]
...I suppose it's like I told Lahabrea. You can use whichever name feels more appropriate at the moment.
Thank you for caring about me, Vergil. It... means a lot more than you may think, right now.
Re: 327 maybe??
No, I know. I may not know what happened, or how it feels, specifically. But I do know well how it is to feel helpless and weak, and to be afraid even of things that would give comfort. ...And to think that no one would care. Or that it is a burden on them.
But many of us do care very much, and it isn't any burden to try to help you.
Re: 327 maybe??
Levity can't help blushing a little at the gesture - it's... very sweet, actually, at the extent of what he can handle right now and all the more meaningful because he knows expression is not Vergil's strong suite.]
...thank you. I really am grateful to know you.
[He smiles, softly, looking up at Vergil.]
That was how you felt when you were young, wasn't it? I hope you know, now, that you have people who care for you, too. I am not much use right now, but... if there's ever anything I could help you with, please ask.
[hey turns out it's easier to forget your own trauma if you throw yourself into fussing over others. lifehack]
Re: 327 maybe??
...Not quite. There was just a moment like that when I was a child. I am thinking mainly of things that are much more recent. Here, when I forget myself especially. Or shortly before I came here.
It does feel like a burden on others, it is difficult not to. But I know that isn't the case. They do remind me. Frankly, I know I won't ask, it isn't something I know how to do. But...thank you. You too, Hythlodaeus.
Re: 327 maybe??
He rubs Vergil's hand with his thumb gently. It's reassuring, to still be able to have some form of contact and a certain manner of closeness. Vergil saying that he doesn't know how to ask people for help is also--very much like him, and very endearing in its way.]
I could ask you for help, to show you how it's done.
Re: 327 maybe??
You could, and I just might learn something.
Go ahead.
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Alright... Pay attention.
[He clears his throat dramatically, but there's a smile on his lips. This is a lot better than him freaking out!]
Vergil, can you bring me some more hot chocolate tomorrow?
Re: 327 maybe??
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Or don't, he wouldn't want to admit it.
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He shakes his head, smiling.]
Well, if you want something more difficult... try to ask me for something?
Re: 327 maybe??
...What would I ask you for?
Re: 327 maybe??
Something I could do for you? Like...
[He pauses thoughtfully.]
...come to visit you. Or repair or make something for you. Or simply hold your hand when you need reminding we care for you. Or even just discuss books or art.
Re: 327 maybe??
Hah... Then you could visit, any time you wish, to borrow books or speak with me.
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That's less asking and more giving permission, isn't it?
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...Yeah. I can't visit Baritones much now.
Re: 327 maybe??
If Emet-Selch and Lahabrea are not to do with it, then we will just have to bring you to Taisho while they visit. We do tend to split our time between the two more evenly these days, you will find them with us often.
Re: 327 maybe??
...It's not them. Lahabrea... actually looked after me when I woke up. So did Emet-Selch.
Five and Cypher are both on Taisho too, yes? I could come visit them as well.
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I see... it does sound great.
I don't know why you've ever tried to convince me you're not a good friend. You're doing a wonderful job.
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