[You are greeted with the sound of randomly disrupted static, at the end of which three melodic beeping signals are heard. Yep, that's your cue to leave a message!]
[He takes the hot choco, sniffs at it curiously... and then stands there transfixed for a few moments.]
...By the heavens, I forgot about chocolate.
[This is an extremely shockedpika moment for someone who's been feverishly trying to figure out food while excluding certain flavours while being unable to think about anything other than those flavours.
He startles, waking up from hot chocolate thoughts, and then gestures Vergil to come inside.]
[Oh did he pick good, well the other thing he pulls from a shopping bag is a package of chocolate cookies once he steps inside. ...Also just a big bag of spinach? Because vegetables are important. Nutrition.]
Well you'll need something to keep you going then.
[Thank you for being considerate of post-cannibalism diet, Vergil! Now just teach him your turnip chomping ways and you're set. No idea what you're set for, but you are.]
[He'll lead Vergil to The Lab, then, which... is a mess. Because someone's been living there like a traumatized bachelor for two days. There are several energy drink cans on the table.]
[He sits down to sip his blessed hot choco, but Vergil's question catches him by surprise. He looks around at the lab, raises a hand to scratch at the back of his neck.]
What do you mean? I'm just working. See, me and Sho made some plans for dorm upgrades, and it's not exactly as simple as just ordering them, so I'm trying to draw up proper plans. And some aren't even developed beyond an idea, so there's actual logistics to work out on top of what we're going to put in the room! And I thought that maybe we don't need to stop at what we've already decided on, and maybe we can add other things, so I'm trying to write down what other ideas I get. And, well, Cosmo had some suggestions as to what I could build too, and it's all in there, and...
[He waves a hand at the piles of mechanisms and blueprints and books, then just... trails off, looking like he shut down. After a few moments, he seems to wake up.]
What of yourself? Are you doing alright? Ah... You know, I think I gave the flower to Cosmo, if you wanted that back. How did it come back with us, anyway? Does that happen every time?
[Hmmmm he knows that dissociating look. Don't think you can hide it young man (that doesn't mean he wants to talk about how he feels either shut up).]
...The flower?
[Oh right. He did see people with flowers that looked like demonic ones.]
I wouldn't know, this hasn't happened while I've been here. Well, I've seen something similar, but those were dreams, whereas this seems to have been directly within one's soul. But after those we did end up with a souvenir or two.
...I am sorry for anything that happened within mine. Or anything you saw. I have been told it was the Underworld which can't be any more pleasant to see than any of my thoughts.
Souvenirs though, huh. Without realizing it, Levity brings up a hand to his stomach, where Somnus's blade had gone through him. Every now and then it makes Levity want to claw it open to get rid of it.
Only a mercy that he didn't have any "souvenirs" from the other encounter.]
I see...
Ah, but... Your soul was--it wasn't bad for me. Some things happened, yes, but... I've only grown fonder of you. And I'm thankful for the chance.
[He's definitely older, Vergil's older than his body but like. Only by 10 years or so? Not...Ancients level.
He watches that, frowning a bit... He's going to assume Levity was stabbed or something. Don't like that.]
Hah, is that so... Well I am glad if you only saw things to be endeared by, from what I hear it could have been...truly terrible. I want...to keep you safe, Levity.
[Like a lot? He's not sure why, he already wanted to look out for Levity but this is a lot.]
[Soulvore still gives him warm fuzzy feelings, what if he could just stay in Vergil's soul without ever having to go to Absinthe's :'( ]
You saved both me and Lily. And even before that...
[Levity pauses, wondering how to word this.]
There was a big library. And the child version of you there. We talked a little, and he was very concerned about me. He was very lonely, too... so I decided to stay with him. So he didn't have to be alone.
[He chuckles.]
You know, I think that was the first hug I've ever gotten from you.
Protecting both you and Lily...what, that childhood version of me?
[That does feel familiar? ...Which means it's his turn to stare into the distance for a few long moments, forgetting to breathe. A bit of a wild look in his eye --]
[Wowee everyone here is very okay and healthy! Levity looks at Vergil with some concern, realizing that maybe it wasn't the best idea to remind Vergil that his child self had to fight those knights--but with the change of topic it's Levity's turn to freeze. Could he use a hug?
...He could. He really could. He's been forcing himself to go on and on because stopping meant thinking about what happened, but that meant that there was never any way for him to deal with the pain. And he wants comfort so badly, to not feel sick about being in his own body again, for things to not have happened--
Levity hangs his head, slowly raises a hand to cover his eyes, starting to tremble. He does want comfort, except he'll never get it now. He couldn't even let Cosmo or Lily touch him.]
He watches that, frowning a little because he does know that feeling of desperately not wanting to be touched, because of that specific trauma. ...But he doesn't know the cause in this case.]
Not at all? Hm. [He nods.] Well, when you do, Levity, I will. Or anything you need.
...I haven't asked. Do you prefer Levity or Hythlodaeus?
[...no, actually, you know what. He grits his teeth, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve - fuck that, he hates that reaction, he's never letting himself cry again, not when it makes him remember the laughter and the feeling of Absinthe's tongue on his skin, licking up the tears. Disgusting.
He stands up to come closer to Vergil, and... reaches out to take his hand.]
...I can do this. So... Not yet, but one day... I would love that. You made me feel really safe.
[He sniffles, wiping at his face stubbornly.]
And... I don't know, but I think--I would like to stop being Levity for a while. Can't do shite about the body, but might as well change the name. Not like it fits anymore.
[We are now in the angry stage and the rapid mood swings are normal, nothing to worry about.]
You don't need to be lighthearted all the time just because of your name.
I just thought...to me, my real name matters. I never wanted to be given another despite being unable to remember it. I would rather not have one at all than be someone other than myself.
To some that new name is who they are, now removed from who they were before the amnesia.
Either way can be a comfort. Holding on to an identity. ...When I think of certain things, sometimes I forget, I get lost in it and start to think that I am...not myself.
That is rather specific to myself but I think feeling that you know who you are can be grounding in any situation. Such as hearing the right name. Which may be a case of passing the bad off onto one...but overcoming difficulty is part of who you are too. I'm sure Hythlodaeus has too, even if this pain is much worse. Don't forget that. I know you can make it...regardless of how impossible it may feel to continue right now
But really I only wondered if one might make you happier than the other.
[You're getting the handholding throughout the whole speech. He missed non fucked up physical contact ok]
...Ah. I made you worry all for nothing...
[Emotional support Vergli helped, though! Levity actually smiles a little before technokinesis-ing a floaty cube chair closer to sit on it, closer to Vergil this time.]
I've thought a lot about names. I thought it didn't much matter to me because... I'm still myself, no matter what I am called. But now...
I can't help but want to separate them. And Hythlodaeus is someone who never had to go through... this. And a name that he never called me by. So... I want to keep it for when I am vulnerable. When I'm not strong enough to be Levity.
[He gives a one-shoulder shrug.]
...I suppose it's like I told Lahabrea. You can use whichever name feels more appropriate at the moment.
Thank you for caring about me, Vergil. It... means a lot more than you may think, right now.
[He shakes his head, setting his other hand on top of their already joined ones.]
No, I know. I may not know what happened, or how it feels, specifically. But I do know well how it is to feel helpless and weak, and to be afraid even of things that would give comfort. ...And to think that no one would care. Or that it is a burden on them.
But many of us do care very much, and it isn't any burden to try to help you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: 327 maybe??
...By the heavens, I forgot about chocolate.
[This is an extremely shockedpika moment for someone who's been feverishly trying to figure out food while excluding certain flavours while being unable to think about anything other than those flavours.
He startles, waking up from hot chocolate thoughts, and then gestures Vergil to come inside.]
Oh, you know! Inspiration strikes at any hour!
Re: 327 maybe??
Well you'll need something to keep you going then.
Re: 327 maybe??
I had some energy drinks earlier, I think.
[Drinks, plural. He thinks.]
Re: 327 maybe??
...You don't remember?
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[We are very busy not remembering many things. You have to specify.]
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[What's an energy drink...must be like coffee or something.]
Re: 327 maybe??
We can check!
[He'll lead Vergil to The Lab, then, which... is a mess. Because someone's been living there like a traumatized bachelor for two days. There are several energy drink cans on the table.]
Re: 327 maybe??
Have you been spending all your time here since we woke yesterday?
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Uh... maybe?
[don't know what yesterday you're talking about]
Re: 327 maybe??
...Levity. How are you feeling? Besides distracting yourself, which I can't tell whether you're doing a good job of or not.
Re: 327 maybe??
What do you mean? I'm just working. See, me and Sho made some plans for dorm upgrades, and it's not exactly as simple as just ordering them, so I'm trying to draw up proper plans. And some aren't even developed beyond an idea, so there's actual logistics to work out on top of what we're going to put in the room! And I thought that maybe we don't need to stop at what we've already decided on, and maybe we can add other things, so I'm trying to write down what other ideas I get. And, well, Cosmo had some suggestions as to what I could build too, and it's all in there, and...
[He waves a hand at the piles of mechanisms and blueprints and books, then just... trails off, looking like he shut down. After a few moments, he seems to wake up.]
What of yourself? Are you doing alright? Ah... You know, I think I gave the flower to Cosmo, if you wanted that back. How did it come back with us, anyway? Does that happen every time?
[He's! Suddenly chatty!]
Re: 327 maybe??
...The flower?
[Oh right. He did see people with flowers that looked like demonic ones.]
I wouldn't know, this hasn't happened while I've been here. Well, I've seen something similar, but those were dreams, whereas this seems to have been directly within one's soul. But after those we did end up with a souvenir or two.
...I am sorry for anything that happened within mine. Or anything you saw. I have been told it was the Underworld which can't be any more pleasant to see than any of my thoughts.
Re: 327 maybe??
Souvenirs though, huh. Without realizing it, Levity brings up a hand to his stomach, where Somnus's blade had gone through him. Every now and then it makes Levity want to claw it open to get rid of it.
Only a mercy that he didn't have any "souvenirs" from the other encounter.]
I see...
Ah, but... Your soul was--it wasn't bad for me. Some things happened, yes, but... I've only grown fonder of you. And I'm thankful for the chance.
Re: 327 maybe??
He watches that, frowning a bit... He's going to assume Levity was stabbed or something. Don't like that.]
Hah, is that so... Well I am glad if you only saw things to be endeared by, from what I hear it could have been...truly terrible. I want...to keep you safe, Levity.
[Like a lot? He's not sure why, he already wanted to look out for Levity but this is a lot.]
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I... You did. And I never got to say it, but... thank you.
[Despite everything he's smiling, genuinely fond.]
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[That makes him really glad? But he sure doesn't remember it!]
Re: 327 maybe??
You saved both me and Lily. And even before that...
[Levity pauses, wondering how to word this.]
There was a big library. And the child version of you there. We talked a little, and he was very concerned about me. He was very lonely, too... so I decided to stay with him. So he didn't have to be alone.
[He chuckles.]
You know, I think that was the first hug I've ever gotten from you.
[And likely last now! Thanks Absinthe!]
1/2
[That does feel familiar? ...Which means it's his turn to stare into the distance for a few long moments, forgetting to breathe. A bit of a wild look in his eye --]
Re: 327 maybe??
It doesn't have to be the only hug I offer you. ...I imagine you could use one.
[Haha,]
Re: 327 maybe??
...He could. He really could. He's been forcing himself to go on and on because stopping meant thinking about what happened, but that meant that there was never any way for him to deal with the pain. And he wants comfort so badly, to not feel sick about being in his own body again, for things to not have happened--
Levity hangs his head, slowly raises a hand to cover his eyes, starting to tremble. He does want comfort, except he'll never get it now. He couldn't even let Cosmo or Lily touch him.]
I could... I could, but... I can't...
Re: 327 maybe??
He watches that, frowning a little because he does know that feeling of desperately not wanting to be touched, because of that specific trauma. ...But he doesn't know the cause in this case.]
Not at all? Hm. [He nods.] Well, when you do, Levity, I will. Or anything you need.
...I haven't asked. Do you prefer Levity or Hythlodaeus?
Re: 327 maybe??
I'm sorry, Vergil... I would...
[...no, actually, you know what. He grits his teeth, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve - fuck that, he hates that reaction, he's never letting himself cry again, not when it makes him remember the laughter and the feeling of Absinthe's tongue on his skin, licking up the tears. Disgusting.
He stands up to come closer to Vergil, and... reaches out to take his hand.]
...I can do this. So... Not yet, but one day... I would love that. You made me feel really safe.
[He sniffles, wiping at his face stubbornly.]
And... I don't know, but I think--I would like to stop being Levity for a while. Can't do shite about the body, but might as well change the name. Not like it fits anymore.
[We are now in the angry stage and the rapid mood swings are normal, nothing to worry about.]
Re: 327 maybe??
You don't need to be lighthearted all the time just because of your name.
I just thought...to me, my real name matters. I never wanted to be given another despite being unable to remember it. I would rather not have one at all than be someone other than myself.
To some that new name is who they are, now removed from who they were before the amnesia.
Either way can be a comfort. Holding on to an identity. ...When I think of certain things, sometimes I forget, I get lost in it and start to think that I am...not myself.
That is rather specific to myself but I think feeling that you know who you are can be grounding in any situation. Such as hearing the right name. Which may be a case of passing the bad off onto one...but overcoming difficulty is part of who you are too. I'm sure Hythlodaeus has too, even if this pain is much worse. Don't forget that. I know you can make it...regardless of how impossible it may feel to continue right now
But really I only wondered if one might make you happier than the other.
Re: 327 maybe??
...Ah. I made you worry all for nothing...
[Emotional support Vergli helped, though! Levity actually smiles a little before technokinesis-ing a floaty cube chair closer to sit on it, closer to Vergil this time.]
I've thought a lot about names. I thought it didn't much matter to me because... I'm still myself, no matter what I am called. But now...
I can't help but want to separate them. And Hythlodaeus is someone who never had to go through... this. And a name that he never called me by. So... I want to keep it for when I am vulnerable. When I'm not strong enough to be Levity.
[He gives a one-shoulder shrug.]
...I suppose it's like I told Lahabrea. You can use whichever name feels more appropriate at the moment.
Thank you for caring about me, Vergil. It... means a lot more than you may think, right now.
Re: 327 maybe??
No, I know. I may not know what happened, or how it feels, specifically. But I do know well how it is to feel helpless and weak, and to be afraid even of things that would give comfort. ...And to think that no one would care. Or that it is a burden on them.
But many of us do care very much, and it isn't any burden to try to help you.
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