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[He kind of figured if Levity was in his or Absinthe's hearts then there's a high chance he's a bit put off by meat at the moment...]
...You don't remember?
...You don't remember?
Whether you drank several energy drinks.
[What's an energy drink...must be like coffee or something.]
[What's an energy drink...must be like coffee or something.]
[....Please he is concerned.]
Have you been spending all your time here since we woke yesterday?
Have you been spending all your time here since we woke yesterday?
[He's glad hot choco is a hit, he doesn't really get it, but people seem to like food as comfort so!!]
...Levity. How are you feeling? Besides distracting yourself, which I can't tell whether you're doing a good job of or not.
...Levity. How are you feeling? Besides distracting yourself, which I can't tell whether you're doing a good job of or not.
[He blinks.]
What do you mean? I'm just working. See, me and Sho made some plans for dorm upgrades, and it's not exactly as simple as just ordering them, so I'm trying to draw up proper plans. And some aren't even developed beyond an idea, so there's actual logistics to work out on top of what we're going to put in the room! And I thought that maybe we don't need to stop at what we've already decided on, and maybe we can add other things, so I'm trying to write down what other ideas I get. And, well, Cosmo had some suggestions as to what I could build too, and it's all in there, and...
[He waves a hand at the piles of mechanisms and blueprints and books, then just... trails off, looking like he shut down. After a few moments, he seems to wake up.]
What of yourself? Are you doing alright? Ah... You know, I think I gave the flower to Cosmo, if you wanted that back. How did it come back with us, anyway? Does that happen every time?
[He's! Suddenly chatty!]
What do you mean? I'm just working. See, me and Sho made some plans for dorm upgrades, and it's not exactly as simple as just ordering them, so I'm trying to draw up proper plans. And some aren't even developed beyond an idea, so there's actual logistics to work out on top of what we're going to put in the room! And I thought that maybe we don't need to stop at what we've already decided on, and maybe we can add other things, so I'm trying to write down what other ideas I get. And, well, Cosmo had some suggestions as to what I could build too, and it's all in there, and...
[He waves a hand at the piles of mechanisms and blueprints and books, then just... trails off, looking like he shut down. After a few moments, he seems to wake up.]
What of yourself? Are you doing alright? Ah... You know, I think I gave the flower to Cosmo, if you wanted that back. How did it come back with us, anyway? Does that happen every time?
[He's! Suddenly chatty!]
[Hmmmm he knows that dissociating look. Don't think you can hide it young man (that doesn't mean he wants to talk about how he feels either shut up).]
...The flower?
[Oh right. He did see people with flowers that looked like demonic ones.]
I wouldn't know, this hasn't happened while I've been here. Well, I've seen something similar, but those were dreams, whereas this seems to have been directly within one's soul. But after those we did end up with a souvenir or two.
...I am sorry for anything that happened within mine. Or anything you saw. I have been told it was the Underworld which can't be any more pleasant to see than any of my thoughts.
...The flower?
[Oh right. He did see people with flowers that looked like demonic ones.]
I wouldn't know, this hasn't happened while I've been here. Well, I've seen something similar, but those were dreams, whereas this seems to have been directly within one's soul. But after those we did end up with a souvenir or two.
...I am sorry for anything that happened within mine. Or anything you saw. I have been told it was the Underworld which can't be any more pleasant to see than any of my thoughts.
[HE'S PROBABLY OLDER THAN YOU!!!
Souvenirs though, huh. Without realizing it, Levity brings up a hand to his stomach, where Somnus's blade had gone through him. Every now and then it makes Levity want to claw it open to get rid of it.
Only a mercy that he didn't have any "souvenirs" from the other encounter.]
I see...
Ah, but... Your soul was--it wasn't bad for me. Some things happened, yes, but... I've only grown fonder of you. And I'm thankful for the chance.
Souvenirs though, huh. Without realizing it, Levity brings up a hand to his stomach, where Somnus's blade had gone through him. Every now and then it makes Levity want to claw it open to get rid of it.
Only a mercy that he didn't have any "souvenirs" from the other encounter.]
I see...
Ah, but... Your soul was--it wasn't bad for me. Some things happened, yes, but... I've only grown fonder of you. And I'm thankful for the chance.
[He's definitely older, Vergil's older than his body but like. Only by 10 years or so? Not...Ancients level.
He watches that, frowning a bit... He's going to assume Levity was stabbed or something. Don't like that.]
Hah, is that so... Well I am glad if you only saw things to be endeared by, from what I hear it could have been...truly terrible. I want...to keep you safe, Levity.
[Like a lot? He's not sure why, he already wanted to look out for Levity but this is a lot.]
He watches that, frowning a bit... He's going to assume Levity was stabbed or something. Don't like that.]
Hah, is that so... Well I am glad if you only saw things to be endeared by, from what I hear it could have been...truly terrible. I want...to keep you safe, Levity.
[Like a lot? He's not sure why, he already wanted to look out for Levity but this is a lot.]
...I did?
[That makes him really glad? But he sure doesn't remember it!]
[That makes him really glad? But he sure doesn't remember it!]
[Soulvore still gives him warm fuzzy feelings, what if he could just stay in Vergil's soul without ever having to go to Absinthe's :'( ]
You saved both me and Lily. And even before that...
[Levity pauses, wondering how to word this.]
There was a big library. And the child version of you there. We talked a little, and he was very concerned about me. He was very lonely, too... so I decided to stay with him. So he didn't have to be alone.
[He chuckles.]
You know, I think that was the first hug I've ever gotten from you.
[And likely last now! Thanks Absinthe!]
You saved both me and Lily. And even before that...
[Levity pauses, wondering how to word this.]
There was a big library. And the child version of you there. We talked a little, and he was very concerned about me. He was very lonely, too... so I decided to stay with him. So he didn't have to be alone.
[He chuckles.]
You know, I think that was the first hug I've ever gotten from you.
[And likely last now! Thanks Absinthe!]
Protecting both you and Lily...what, that childhood version of me?
[That does feel familiar? ...Which means it's his turn to stare into the distance for a few long moments, forgetting to breathe. A bit of a wild look in his eye --]
[That does feel familiar? ...Which means it's his turn to stare into the distance for a few long moments, forgetting to breathe. A bit of a wild look in his eye --]
[-- Until he pulls himself back and looks at Levity.]
It doesn't have to be the only hug I offer you. ...I imagine you could use one.
[Haha,]
It doesn't have to be the only hug I offer you. ...I imagine you could use one.
[Haha,]
[Wowee everyone here is very okay and healthy! Levity looks at Vergil with some concern, realizing that maybe it wasn't the best idea to remind Vergil that his child self had to fight those knights--but with the change of topic it's Levity's turn to freeze. Could he use a hug?
...He could. He really could. He's been forcing himself to go on and on because stopping meant thinking about what happened, but that meant that there was never any way for him to deal with the pain. And he wants comfort so badly, to not feel sick about being in his own body again, for things to not have happened--
Levity hangs his head, slowly raises a hand to cover his eyes, starting to tremble. He does want comfort, except he'll never get it now. He couldn't even let Cosmo or Lily touch him.]
I could... I could, but... I can't...
...He could. He really could. He's been forcing himself to go on and on because stopping meant thinking about what happened, but that meant that there was never any way for him to deal with the pain. And he wants comfort so badly, to not feel sick about being in his own body again, for things to not have happened--
Levity hangs his head, slowly raises a hand to cover his eyes, starting to tremble. He does want comfort, except he'll never get it now. He couldn't even let Cosmo or Lily touch him.]
I could... I could, but... I can't...
[It's just a little trauma, it's cool it's fine.
He watches that, frowning a little because he does know that feeling of desperately not wanting to be touched, because of that specific trauma. ...But he doesn't know the cause in this case.]
Not at all? Hm. [He nods.] Well, when you do, Levity, I will. Or anything you need.
...I haven't asked. Do you prefer Levity or Hythlodaeus?
He watches that, frowning a little because he does know that feeling of desperately not wanting to be touched, because of that specific trauma. ...But he doesn't know the cause in this case.]
Not at all? Hm. [He nods.] Well, when you do, Levity, I will. Or anything you need.
...I haven't asked. Do you prefer Levity or Hythlodaeus?
[Little a trauma, as a treat!]
I'm sorry, Vergil... I would...
[...no, actually, you know what. He grits his teeth, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve - fuck that, he hates that reaction, he's never letting himself cry again, not when it makes him remember the laughter and the feeling of Absinthe's tongue on his skin, licking up the tears. Disgusting.
He stands up to come closer to Vergil, and... reaches out to take his hand.]
...I can do this. So... Not yet, but one day... I would love that. You made me feel really safe.
[He sniffles, wiping at his face stubbornly.]
And... I don't know, but I think--I would like to stop being Levity for a while. Can't do shite about the body, but might as well change the name. Not like it fits anymore.
[We are now in the angry stage and the rapid mood swings are normal, nothing to worry about.]
I'm sorry, Vergil... I would...
[...no, actually, you know what. He grits his teeth, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve - fuck that, he hates that reaction, he's never letting himself cry again, not when it makes him remember the laughter and the feeling of Absinthe's tongue on his skin, licking up the tears. Disgusting.
He stands up to come closer to Vergil, and... reaches out to take his hand.]
...I can do this. So... Not yet, but one day... I would love that. You made me feel really safe.
[He sniffles, wiping at his face stubbornly.]
And... I don't know, but I think--I would like to stop being Levity for a while. Can't do shite about the body, but might as well change the name. Not like it fits anymore.
[We are now in the angry stage and the rapid mood swings are normal, nothing to worry about.]
[He gives that hand a squeeze.]
You don't need to be lighthearted all the time just because of your name.
I just thought...to me, my real name matters. I never wanted to be given another despite being unable to remember it. I would rather not have one at all than be someone other than myself.
To some that new name is who they are, now removed from who they were before the amnesia.
Either way can be a comfort. Holding on to an identity. ...When I think of certain things, sometimes I forget, I get lost in it and start to think that I am...not myself.
That is rather specific to myself but I think feeling that you know who you are can be grounding in any situation. Such as hearing the right name. Which may be a case of passing the bad off onto one...but overcoming difficulty is part of who you are too. I'm sure Hythlodaeus has too, even if this pain is much worse. Don't forget that. I know you can make it...regardless of how impossible it may feel to continue right now
But really I only wondered if one might make you happier than the other.
You don't need to be lighthearted all the time just because of your name.
I just thought...to me, my real name matters. I never wanted to be given another despite being unable to remember it. I would rather not have one at all than be someone other than myself.
To some that new name is who they are, now removed from who they were before the amnesia.
Either way can be a comfort. Holding on to an identity. ...When I think of certain things, sometimes I forget, I get lost in it and start to think that I am...not myself.
That is rather specific to myself but I think feeling that you know who you are can be grounding in any situation. Such as hearing the right name. Which may be a case of passing the bad off onto one...but overcoming difficulty is part of who you are too. I'm sure Hythlodaeus has too, even if this pain is much worse. Don't forget that. I know you can make it...regardless of how impossible it may feel to continue right now
But really I only wondered if one might make you happier than the other.
[You're getting the handholding throughout the whole speech. He missed non fucked up physical contact ok]
...Ah. I made you worry all for nothing...
[Emotional support Vergli helped, though! Levity actually smiles a little before technokinesis-ing a floaty cube chair closer to sit on it, closer to Vergil this time.]
I've thought a lot about names. I thought it didn't much matter to me because... I'm still myself, no matter what I am called. But now...
I can't help but want to separate them. And Hythlodaeus is someone who never had to go through... this. And a name that he never called me by. So... I want to keep it for when I am vulnerable. When I'm not strong enough to be Levity.
[He gives a one-shoulder shrug.]
...I suppose it's like I told Lahabrea. You can use whichever name feels more appropriate at the moment.
Thank you for caring about me, Vergil. It... means a lot more than you may think, right now.
...Ah. I made you worry all for nothing...
[Emotional support Vergli helped, though! Levity actually smiles a little before technokinesis-ing a floaty cube chair closer to sit on it, closer to Vergil this time.]
I've thought a lot about names. I thought it didn't much matter to me because... I'm still myself, no matter what I am called. But now...
I can't help but want to separate them. And Hythlodaeus is someone who never had to go through... this. And a name that he never called me by. So... I want to keep it for when I am vulnerable. When I'm not strong enough to be Levity.
[He gives a one-shoulder shrug.]
...I suppose it's like I told Lahabrea. You can use whichever name feels more appropriate at the moment.
Thank you for caring about me, Vergil. It... means a lot more than you may think, right now.
[He shakes his head, setting his other hand on top of their already joined ones.]
No, I know. I may not know what happened, or how it feels, specifically. But I do know well how it is to feel helpless and weak, and to be afraid even of things that would give comfort. ...And to think that no one would care. Or that it is a burden on them.
But many of us do care very much, and it isn't any burden to try to help you.
No, I know. I may not know what happened, or how it feels, specifically. But I do know well how it is to feel helpless and weak, and to be afraid even of things that would give comfort. ...And to think that no one would care. Or that it is a burden on them.
But many of us do care very much, and it isn't any burden to try to help you.
Edited 2021-02-06 11:59 (UTC)
[does Vergil even like realize how charming he is
Levity can't help blushing a little at the gesture - it's... very sweet, actually, at the extent of what he can handle right now and all the more meaningful because he knows expression is not Vergil's strong suite.]
...thank you. I really am grateful to know you.
[He smiles, softly, looking up at Vergil.]
That was how you felt when you were young, wasn't it? I hope you know, now, that you have people who care for you, too. I am not much use right now, but... if there's ever anything I could help you with, please ask.
[hey turns out it's easier to forget your own trauma if you throw yourself into fussing over others. lifehack]
Levity can't help blushing a little at the gesture - it's... very sweet, actually, at the extent of what he can handle right now and all the more meaningful because he knows expression is not Vergil's strong suite.]
...thank you. I really am grateful to know you.
[He smiles, softly, looking up at Vergil.]
That was how you felt when you were young, wasn't it? I hope you know, now, that you have people who care for you, too. I am not much use right now, but... if there's ever anything I could help you with, please ask.
[hey turns out it's easier to forget your own trauma if you throw yourself into fussing over others. lifehack]
[Lifehack!!! And no he sure does not know, unless it's other people with shitty senses of humour talking about that, then that makes sense...]
...Not quite. There was just a moment like that when I was a child. I am thinking mainly of things that are much more recent. Here, when I forget myself especially. Or shortly before I came here.
It does feel like a burden on others, it is difficult not to. But I know that isn't the case. They do remind me. Frankly, I know I won't ask, it isn't something I know how to do. But...thank you. You too, Hythlodaeus.
...Not quite. There was just a moment like that when I was a child. I am thinking mainly of things that are much more recent. Here, when I forget myself especially. Or shortly before I came here.
It does feel like a burden on others, it is difficult not to. But I know that isn't the case. They do remind me. Frankly, I know I won't ask, it isn't something I know how to do. But...thank you. You too, Hythlodaeus.
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